My Thoughts Exactly

to blog or not to blog

2011-06-28T22:41:00.004-04:00

that is the question?

what has happend to the blogging world? is it the same for everyone else as it is for me?

just don't have the time or energy

or is blogging being pushed out by facebook and twitter (which I can say I don't do)

I can say that I do miss blogging and my few friends that I have made on here I do still read, I just don't comment

I can also say that I cannot possibly delete or remove this site as I have so many near and dear memories and some great posts on here that I can't part with. perhaps someday (if I get time) I will transfer them somewhere other than here so I can keep them to look back on

or better yet perhaps I will get the blogging bug again now that i'm on summer break from school?

who knows

I sure as hell don't

I have missed you

life is good, i'm happy, doing well in school, little miss is growing up before my eyes, time moving much to fast

life moves along

and so are the days of our lives

untitled

2011-06-28T22:13:00.003-04:00

sometimes,

I sit and think and wonder

I can feel invincible and on top of the world one day

other times

I feel so alone, scared and vulnerable

we are part of such a vast and mighty universe it frightens me sometimes

sometimes,

I could sit and sob and cry

other times

I could laugh out loud and smile all day

sometimes,

I sit and think of you, an unknown you who may be thinking of me too

I wonder if i'm on the right path

have I chosen right?

Is everything pre-planned ahead of time?

sometimes,

my imgination runs wild

and i'm far away from here, having chosen that other path

would things be any different?

sometimes, I miss my old life

I miss blogging

and sleep

would I change it if I could

but sometimes, I just wonder and imagine

busy busy flea flea

2011-02-26T21:47:00.004-05:00

I haven't forgotten you my dear old blog, i've just been, well, umm busy to say the least. Since I started school back in January (which seems like a lifetime ago), life has become an utter whirlwind. My life consists of school, homework, more school, spending time with my daughter whom I can't help but feel that i'm also neglecting - its that hardcore. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary and it will be worth it in the end but it is exhausting.

I have no clue what i'm running on anymore - i'm that tired

but strangely i'm happy

this is what i'm meant to do, it feels so right

just wish I would've done it years ago when I thought of it and was just to chicken to do it. would have still been hard i'm sure but at least it would've been number one priority where as now that is my daughter. not saying that I wish I hadn't had her (never in a million years would I take that back) but just sayin. ya know?

probably not making much sense, again, i'm sleep deprived people cut me some slack

just thought I would post a quick update for anyone out there that still reads or cares - i am still alive, and doing alright :P

2010 wrap up

2010-12-30T19:31:00.002-05:00

well goodbye 2010! really, honestly I don't know where the last few months have gone but one word fits best and that is "blur". not sure what has kept me busy I guess just life. some days are good along with a few bad. but mostly good. I love watching little miss, I love hearing her laugh and seeing her changing and learning every day

Christmas was ok, I think I had hyped it up to much or I dunno you look forward to something for so long and then its never what you expected. but it was nice to spend time with the family and a good turkey dinner

i've been doing a few shifts at work, nice to get back and felt like I had never even left at times but then at other times I was like I was gone for 14 months and there was a lot of people changing shifts and lots of new people/faces so it was sort of weird too. I did well leaving lily and only almost cried once! I think she is loving the time with her daddy and they have really bonded

getting nervous and a little anxious as I start school again next Tuesday (lots of nail biting going one) but I hope it will be a positive and good thing.

so bring it on 2011! i'm ready for you

happy new year y'all

Christmas!

2010-12-24T12:58:00.000-05:00

ho ho holy FACK!!

2010-12-10T16:47:00.002-05:00

this month is going way to fast for my liking

and why is it you have a couple of "up" days and you just think wow i'm almost feeling pretty good and back to normal (whatever normal is) and then you discover or find something that just sets you into a total tailspin. yeah that just happened and it sucks! now i'm in full blown panic mode and my brain will just not quit spinning.

sigh

nothing changes

in other news, I went back to work and did two shifts last weekend and I survived and actually sort of enjoyed myself. baby girl did well too I still hate leaving her but what can you do....

tree is up and decorated and i'm actually channelling the Christmas spirit this year (well I was) only 2 more weeks!

less than a month before I start school (eek!), i'm terrified and excited and nervous as hell. just hope that I like it and that it will all work out

so much to do before then and I'm dreading buying school supplies (uck)

and that's really all that is new

busy busy busy

tis the season

a year ago today...

2010-11-23T22:05:00.002-05:00

I was laying in a hospital bed awaiting your arrival. nervous, scared, excited and hopeful. I just wanted to see you and to hold you. and at 3:30 am (roughly) you came out into the world screaming and you were the best thing that I have ever laid my eyes on (all red and covered in goo you were perfect). how awkward that first attempt at breast feeding was, the sleepless nights, worrying if you were to cold, to hot, not breathing..and just coming to terms with it all

I cannot believe it has been a year already

i'm quite weepy about this really

its going too fast, my baby isn't really a "baby" any more. well not a helpless little baby anyways, she'll always be my baby in my heart

Happy 1st Birthday baby girl

guilty pleasures

2010-11-10T21:08:00.002-05:00

while I should be more focused on many things (like getting ready for school in January, Christmas shopping, finances, etc, etc) I tend to get distracted by little things and while most of my day is spent entertaining a 11 1/2 month old or watching cartoons a girl does need her me time and these are a few of mine

T.V shows:

#1 Dexter - god I love this show and cannot stop watching and wish it wasn't on only once a week. have even resorted to watching it online now so I can see season 5 which has special guest star Julia Stiles! whom I also like from way back when she was in 10 things I hate about you (love that movie)

#2 Vampire Diaries - two words people Ian Somerhalder!!!! freakin hot and he steals the show

#3 Glee - sometimes this show is a bit too much for me so I tune in and out of the vocals but it usually makes me smile, cry and laugh out loud within one episode

#4 Raising Hope - this show has caught me by surprise and only happend on it by chance (its on right after Glee) and let me tell you it is hilarous!! pee your pants funny

#5 The Walking Dead - happend on this by chance as well, read about it online and had to watch it and now i'm hooked. again watching online. think I may start watching most shows this way as I can watch after little one is to bed and its just more convenient or seems to be

Music

#1 Pink - Raise your glasses - great anthem, party song, makes me happy and catchy as hell

#2 Katy Perry - Firework - wow, two songs in a row from Katy Perry that I love (also heart teenage dream still), great message in this song and very moving

#3 Shawn Desman - A night like this - I was going to youtube the vid to here but changed my mind, great dance sequence, catchy, makes me feel like a young school girl again (haha)

#4 Rhianna - only girl in the world - i've had mixed reviews from other people on this one but I have loved it since the first time I heard it and usually pick lily up and dance around with her too it (she loves it too), catchy as hell and cannot get it out of my head once it is there

#5 Enrique Ingelsis ft Nicole was her name from the PCD - heart beat - love the piano in this one and the music vid is pretty cool until they get into the hallway of mirrors. great song

and that's that

in other news i'm a bit down this dreaded 10th day of November due to it being the anniversary of a good friends death. hate this day. cannot believe its been 9 years. sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago (cuz it was) and other times just like yesterday. I can't help but wonder where she would be today, what she would be doing, would we even still be friends? all the what ifs. guess you can't live like that but sometimes you just can't help but wonder....

I miss her

uck

2010-11-04T22:04:00.003-04:00

its November and I can cry if I want too....

ok well i'm not really crying but frig I hate november. so dark, gloomy, rainy and depressing and cold!

boo on you november

and man October was a long month but did it ever just fly by, like blink and it was over....

20 days pps until baby girls birthday! I can't believe it, very surreal to think that 2 years ago she wasn't even a thought in my mind, then a year ago I was not so patiently awaiting her arrival and now she's babbling, teething and standing (with help) and even a few steps!

i'm so going to hate leaving her and changing up my (our) routine but as it is fastly approaching i'm almost sort of glad to be getting back out and about and back to work (very faintly), more on the social level of things I think. actually talking to other people would be nice!

trying to start weaning little one off the boob, some days are better than others and the days where I do cut corner the next day she just wants it a lot. not sure the teething of some new teeth is helping either as its a comfort thing...i'm sad about this as well. who knew that I would enjoy breastfeeding so much? weird. always thought that I would hate it beforehand and its been the best thing for both me and her. sure the first few months were hell but I think I had a bit of PPD going on too on top of the exhaustion and for a bit you feel that's ALL you do but I can't imagine measuring out or preparing formula (I wouldn't even know how to do it, never done it) and i'm glad I don't have to as I suck at math and calculations, measuring and with the lack of sleep my brain isn't at full capacity so in a nutshell I (personally) was much better off. and never had latch problems and lily is a trooper

how did I get talking about boobs and breastfeeding....

honestly

i'm sure you all care about that now don't you!

and i'm rambling, time to call it in
over and out :P

no sleepy for me

2010-10-27T22:20:00.004-04:00

i've often joked about having insomnia/lack of sleep but for reals I think I am suffering from it. and you know that you are really tired when even just 30 min of sleep feels like 3 hours of sleep.

all jokes aside though i'm getting very little sleep lately. little one has been going to bed later and later the last few weeks so now I put her down to bed at 11 pm, then that leaves me no time to down low and unwind thus i'm up until past midnight/1 am, and some nights little one is up at 4 am (teething, ugh) thankfully she usually goes back to sleep (most times) until 9 am and I doze but that's not a "deep" sleep. god. I can't even remember the last time I had a deep sleep

its just very frustrating as I want so badly to sleep once she is asleep that I just can't is mind boggling. you would think I would just hit the pillow and be out. well, not that easy

why can't things be easy?

in other news i'm so needing to go on a diet but finding it extremely difficult due to a)Halloween candy (which I so didn't even need to buy as we get no kids way out here in the boonies) and b)my severe tiredness aka laziness. and today i'm so freaking bloated I just feel nasty and FAT

blah

did I mention that a tired me = one cranky biatch, well not all the time it comes in waves and you never know when they will hit. my poor husband never knows what he will come home too....

wide awake and I don't know what to do with myself, quiet house = me having to be as quiet as a mouse. I can't take a bath as that would make noise and I really don't want to lay in bed and listen to my husband snore...so what does one do to make themselves sleepy. clearly its not being on the computer as that seems to make me more awake/alert. tips advice are needed here i'm desperate people

a few pictures of my princess

2010-10-26T11:03:00.006-04:00

lily and her best friend "kitty" (I swear she can almost say kitty)

so you had a bad day

2010-10-14T22:25:00.002-04:00

well how bout a bad week? geesh what next

first of all baby girl is sick with a bad cold and this is only the 2-3 time shes been sick. not fun. its exhausting enough trying to deal with just the day to day stuff but throw in being sick and you have one cranky, clingy baby who wants her mommy, thus making it impossible to do anything else (ie; housework and making that important phone call that i've been meaning to do since Tuesday). that first night she was up all night - meaning I was up all night. I can't believe how a person can still function after being up for 24 hrs but amazingly it is possible. mind you I wouldn't have me perform surgery or ask me tough questions cuz I was not exactly all there but I managed. still managing actually on only about 6 hrs sleep within the last 48 + hours

so on top of having no sleep and now me getting this stupid ass cold I had to deal with my dogs. now the last few months my relationship with my pets has been getting colder. I just don't have the time to deal with them. yah I love them but I don't love them. you know?? and frankly they drive me insane (perhaps the tiredness makes me even more cranky towards them...probably..) what with all the dog hair all over the place, they want in, they want out, they bark...and yadda yadda yadda I just can't stand them most of the time. anyways so I was trying to deal with fussy lily at like 3 am and they are whining and jumping up every time I moved (not so great when trying to get little one to sleep) and I just got so angry and I knew I shouldn't put them out as HELLO I live in the freakin hicks and yes there are skunks, bears, and everything else outside for them to get into and lo and behold one of them gets freakin sprayed by a skunk not even 5 minutes after being outside.

FACK

and holy stink bomb

god I can't stand that smell, makes me want to vomit even now....

so yah you can say i've had a bad few days, here's to hoping that tomorrow is better

things I am thankful for

2010-10-11T21:29:00.002-04:00

seeings how this is our (Canadian) thanksgiving i've been reflecting a lot (probably due to me feeling melancholy) and I'm just so thankful for so many things. ok that came out or is coming across really corny but honestly I am so greatful to be alive, healthy, mostly happy and I have an amazing, beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who loves me for me. can't get any better than that really.

so why am stewing about things that are beyond my control? why do I fret and worry when everything should be perfect? why can't I go to sleep when i'm so exhausted...?

the list goes on

but frankly i'm tired and at a loss for words. I just wish that I could turn my brain off sometimes as I think about things way, WAY too much

and no, nothing major or bad has happend its just me being me, worrying about silly things (mostly leaving lily to go to work, finances, etc), needing to plan a birthday party for little miss also needs to become top priority as it is fastly approaching (eeek!) and i'm rambling and the words are starting to blur together. must stop typing

so what i'm trying to say I guess is

thanks

thanks for making me "me"
thanks for giving me lily and my husband
thanks for giving me kind, caring, wonderful, loving parents who would do anything for me

that is all

emotional baggage

2010-10-03T22:19:00.002-04:00

for some reason the last few days i'm extremely emotional (well honestly mostly tonight after watching undercover boss and bawling my eyes out about the story of the mom who lost her 9 year old daughter in a car accident) I mean like I just can't imagine how awful that would be if I was to lose my little miss, I just would die

it could be several things really. the on set of fall usually triggers me into a downward spiral of depression, the days get shorter, you wake up in the dark and its dark after supper time (what can be more depressing than that), the weather gets cooler and then finally bitterly cold, I could go on but frankly that is really starting to depress me and I'm not quite there (yet)

it could also be how much has changed in just the past year. this time last year I was restlessly awaiting the arrival of my baby, bored out of my mind as I was put off work. I would read, watch t.v. surf the net endlessly and sleep (god how I miss those naps) and now she's ten (yes 10) months old almost a year (already!) and I know i've gone on and on before but its just so amazing (i'll leave it at that)

but mostly its probably the knowing in the back of my mind that in the next month I'll have to get back to work and then in January (possibly) back to school. I've become pretty accustomed to being at home which is weird as I never thought that I would be that way. I was always work, work work and thought I would want to jump right back in after having a baby. well, don't ever assume to know anything, if we were well off financially I would never go back. but like most families today, that's just not feasible. sure some days it can really get to you and you really think you are going to lose your shit but you manage and somehow i've adapted and I don't want it to change

but it has too

that's just life

i'm rambling and probably not making any sense but somehow typing it out makes me face it and perhaps maybe come to terms with it

enough of that crap

so we did go on our little adventure to see my sissy in Kingston it was so nice to see her and spend time with her (even though it was exhausting) it was nice to get away but even nicer to come back home. their is honestly no place like home. Lily did very well overall on the plane and only had one minor (teeny tiny) melt down in Toronto coming back home as we were delayed. so I fretted and worried over nothing

and that's a wrap - need to go to bed

a big ole RANT FEST!

2010-09-14T20:50:00.002-04:00

ugh! ARGH! sometimes you just have got to let it out and this one has been pent up for days

DAYS!

perhaps it is the lack of sleep (more than likely)

little miss is teething again in a big way (the two upper teeth) and is not sleeping at night too well and is a fussy pants too boot. very tiring, stressful and hard to keep my patience some days which makes me feel like a bad mother at times

or the bloatedness...

have I mentioned that I still have not had a menstrual period yet. yeah. you read it right. no red tide, monthly gift, whatever in well over a year (I don't count the messy after birth crap), turns out (after a Dr appt for me and miss) that the pill i'm on acts the same as the dreaded needle and hence no periods (which I don't believe is healthy or normal), why I never googled and researched it months ago is beyond me (oh, wait I've been busy and pre-occupied and never have time for anything!). so I have to wait another month (as I just started another month of the pill i've been on..) before I can switch to my old pill that I was on prior to pregnancy.

ugh!

and then after that same dr. appt I finally (i've been putting this off for awhile too..) wanted to get a perscription cream for lily's exzema as the over the counter stuff just wasn't clearing it up. and take a guess as to how much that little tube of cream cost?

you may say oh $20

try higher than that

add on another $80 to that $20 and while I'm no math genius that gives you 100.

ONE HUNDRED FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR A SMALL TUBE OF STEROID CREAM

un-freakin believe able and if she hadn't needed it so badly I probably would have thrown it at the cashier's face which I really wanted to do anyways as I had to wait an HOUR (shoppers drug mart you suck ASS) with a fussy/tired baby for the stoopid dumb ass pharmacist to stick a label on. just typing this here makes me so angry all over again

and for weeks I have been fretting worrying about this appt with employment insurance today about seeing if they would help me go back to school and frankly after meeting with him today I don't know anymore than I did before hand and I have to wait another 2-3 weeks before I know that I am approved....

sigh

and I was all happy and giddy thinking that the new season of GLEE was starting tonight and turns out I was wrong as it is NEXT week so now i'm sitting here watching the finale of last season all teary eyed..

on a lighter happier note this is my 500th post! crazy! something that started as a fad six years ago is still going strong (although not as strong) been quite the ride and I don't plan on getting off anytime soon

over and out

i should so be asleep right now

2010-09-07T21:10:00.003-04:00

ugh. why is it when you are so beyond tired that you can't sleep.

I was sleepy two hours ago and now not so much

and i'm so needing sleep right now. lily hasn't been sleeping so well at night time the last few weeks so i'm up at night with her and then up also with my insomnia. not fun. I can't seem to turn my brain off, I try to invision closing blinds (suggested by a friend), that didn't work, I try pretending that i'm going down an elevator and level by level i am supposed to get sleepier, that doesn't work. I also tried subtracting 9 from 100 on down and well frankly I suck at math so I don't get to far and just get mad

so yeah sleep would be nice

you know what else would be nice

smaller boobs!

i never, NEVER would have or could have imagined myself saying that but there it is. i'm so sick of these GINORMUS honking boobs, please tell me that they will shrink a little after breastfeeding? they are massive, and heavy and ugh. i want my b cups back

trip is all booked and set to go to go and see my sissy! yay!!!! count down is on, 2 weeks. hope that lily will be alright on the plane (in fact i'm having severe anxiety about this...I get anxiety while flying anyways and then to have a baby involved...eek!) so n'ways it will be nice to see my sis and spend some time together

and yes I did watch the red carpet of the emmy's and i had intentions to post and talk about the gowns but I think little miss was a tad cranky and up all night that night so it got sheleved (sorry!)

and that's all I got, my little bubble of energy has just been evaporated.

think I will go listen to the husband snore and count sheep

or something...

who are you?

2010-08-29T11:12:00.004-04:00

I cannot possibly believe that I have been away from the blogging world for so long. I am totally out of the loop.

I also can't believe how summer is practically over. and wow what a great summer it has been! the weather has been amazing and I have been soaking it all up. so lucky to be able to enjoy that and my baby girl (although she is rapidly becoming a non-baby). She has changed soooo much just in the last couple of months, it is astonishing and amazing to see. sometimes I look at her with such wonder (like how could I have partaked in creating her?) and I get all teary eyed and have a moment

times moves way to fast for my liking

what else is new

so I did get accepted into school (yay! but yet scary at the same time) and would start in January of next year taking nursing (licensed practical nurse), it runs for 2 years and i've been hearing rumours that some day they may except this program at the college level and that I could eventually get my BN (bachelor or nursing) should I so choose to do so....

but all of this is sort of up in the air as i'm waiting to find out if un-employment will help pay for me to go back, because if I can't get help then I likely can't afford to go back on my own. so cross your fingers and pray for me!

I guess what will be will be and if it is ment to be then it will be. seeings how I have applied to this program several times before it just sort of seems like it is....but will see.

so that's my big news of the summer

i'm also trying to work out a visit with my sister in ontario as I haven't seen her in months and its a perfect opportunity to do so as I am home/off work right now and I know she is just dying to see little miss so I hope we can work it out

and that's about it I guess. i'm loving my new laptop and just enjoying life to the fullest that I possibly can

time to catch up with you all

quickie

2010-08-21T17:41:00.002-04:00

no i have not been sucked into a black hole just been really busy and without my own computer...

thankfully one has been ordered so future posts are well overdue

just know that all is well and will catch up soon

tick tock tick tock

2010-07-13T21:34:00.002-04:00

ugh! in less than one month and in 25 days I will turn 30

3 0

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

i initially didn't care (denial) about this birthday, but as it is ever vastly approaching I am starting to hyperventilate just a teency tiny bit

I mean as a kid I used to think 30 was old

house, married, kid, dogs, check. all I can say is thank god I don't have a mini van because that would complete my mental image of a 30 year old back when I was in my early 20's. and while I have most of those things I don't feel any older (ok, who am I kidding some days I feel it). and it leaves me wondering what the hell have I done or accomplished in the last 10 years? career wise, I have gone absolutely no where, I am still with the same man so that is something...and I have a beautiful daughter so life is good. but holy hell times flies! i'm going to blink and I'll be 40!! eek.

can I become peter pan? I just want to stay in this now

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

in other news:

I need to go on a serious diet but to lazy to even try it (haha that rhymes)

BIG BROTHER!

Lily is doing so well and i'm savoring and enjoying every day with her and dreading the thought of even looking for work/going back to work. but i'm trying to not think about it or dwell on it and just enjoy the summer, which is turning out weather wise to be fab! and super hot, even fabber! she's still not crawling yet (i'm actually sort of dreading her moving, I like her staying in one spot) but it won't be long, i'll probably shed a tear when she does get a moving

I just can't believe it is July already, and the month is half gone! summer is way to short

hello sunshine my old friend

2010-06-26T15:54:00.003-04:00

well now you know that I'm not dead at least. geesh.

I have been a bad, bad, very bad blogger

or just to busy and caught up into other stuff I guess. but I have missed you, somehow I don't think you have missed me quite so much....

so what the hell have I been doing you may be asking (or not), living each day to the fullest and savoring every moment (blah blah blah). ok I have my good days and then the occasionally bad one too. baby girl is getting so BIG! it just makes me want to cry as she is growing up so fast. she now has TWO teeth (teething = stressful mommy) and the hair, is well still not so much there but it is growing (just very slowly..)

I still have 20 pounds to lose...nothing new there (can you say lazy!)

it is officially SUMMER!!!!! ah bring on the sun, bbq's, pool time, god life doesn't get any sweeter

we celebrate Alexander's 1st birthday tomorrow (27th), that is just so crazy and mindblowing to believe, I remember waiting up all night just waiting to hear the call that he was born safe and sound...miss lily was still just a small peanut in my belly.....just unbelieveable. so happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY little manny!!!

word up

2010-05-29T10:29:00.006-04:00

another month gone by and I honestly don't know where time is going or what I do in a run of a day but I blink and they go by.

this month Lily has seemed to just grow right before my eyes, one day she was little and now she's eating baby food, rice cereal and showing her first tooth. her poops have changed along with everything else and let me tell you oh how I miss the breast milk poops! sure they were a bit more messy but at least they didn't smell...ugh these new ones smell unlike anything I have ever smelled before!

what else has happened? well we purchased a new truck (new to us, it is a 2005) at the start of the month so that was sort of exciting. been walking a lot as the weather is still very nice & warm for this time of year. and that's about it really for may.

I leave you with a couple of my recent fav pics

laughing at mommy cuz she is funny!

6 months old!

see, I can sit up! well almost...

weird

2010-05-21T20:25:00.002-04:00

it's weird how when I do get a moment (usually when little one is asleep) I don't know quite what to do with myself. it is just go, go and go all day long. and according to one friend it just gets worse the bigger and busier they get. so i'm trying to enjoy the moment of her not crawling although i'm sure I will just blink and off she'll go

I also take back all the harsh words and criticism I used to give to stay at home mothers, this by far is the hardest thing I have ever done. at the end of the day you sit and try to think where the hell the day went? you're exhausted, hair not combed (yet again), no makeup, same clothes pretty much as the day before (clean underwear, check), and somehow you manage to shrug it off, smile crawl in bed and get up and do it all again

day

after day

after day

I don't know what the hell I did before. god when I think back, I think wow you were really, really lazy. but at the same time, oh what I would give just to lay in bed all day and curl up with a good book. those were the days

and may i just bring up for a moment, becuase i'm sure it will leave me just as fast if I don't but holy hell my breasts are HUGE. none of my previous shirts from before will ever fit me again, I swear. who would've ever thought my small little "B" cups would become such mammoths. and not only are they mammoths but they are starting to droop and sag. ugh. so grose. I miss my "B" cup.

i'm sure they weigh in at about 5 pounds

another 10 pounds sits around my middle, in the deflated tire that i'm sure I will have for the rest of my life. and yah I could probably lose it if I did sit ups or crunches but i'm too tired and can't seem to fit it in anywhere. I have been walking a lot though, not much good that does to lose the poundage but it is good to get out in the fresh air, the weather here has been pretty good the last few weeks

i'm excited and sad about the LOST finale on Sunday. i'm sure I will bawl my eyes out

missing survivor already too

baby girl will be 6 months old on Monday! 6 months, that's half a year gone already. jeebus. now that makes me want to cry.

what day is it today? like seriousily

2010-05-12T20:37:00.002-04:00

holy shitballs, I feel like I haven't been here in a long, long time

I can't believe we are half way through May already. May people! jebus I still feel like it is February or March at least as our nice warm weather has gone right out the window. it is FREEZING, well, at least today it is. I can't seem to get warm...

i'm off topic

what's new people? I so need to catch up with you all

there is a lot going on

were on the countdown for the final episode of LOST, Survivor, Supernatural and my guilty pleasure The Vampire Diaries. i'm so giddy and excited for them all but yet sad at the same time as we all know summertime t.v. blows. god I watch way to much t.v.

but hey at least I admit it!

loved Betty White on SNL ~ awesomeness

rumors are swirling that another crackbook group has formed to get her on Glee, now that would be hilarious!

in other news baby girl is growing and changing every stinking day, it is just so amazing to see, I know I have talked about it before, but it is just, wow. speechless.

i'm still dwelling/stewing about what I am going to do job wise in the fall (the dreaded fall...), and I keep trying to tell myself to not sweat it or to worry, but I can't help having that little nugget of info in the back of my brain, and it's driving me insane

I also think I have insomnia

I'm dead tired as baby girl is usually up at 5:30/6 am every day and I go, and go all day until her bedtime at 8/8:30 p.m. but do you think I can go to sleep when it comes my bedtime. hell no. probably cuz I can't turn my brain off, it just will not stop. little bits of things to do just keep popping up out of no where

i'm serious about the insane thing too by the way

ok, ok i'm not insane

just a typical overtired, mommy

and that's all I got - over and out

quick ramblings

2010-04-29T19:35:00.002-04:00

another month gone by, crazy. except this month seemed really long for some reason.

anyways, we had our first easter celebration with baby girl. she's also growing like a weed, she is now 13 pounds, 26 inches long. and she is finally starting to get some hair, although you still can't really see it as it is really, really blond. we have started her on rice cereal and she doesn't quite know what to make of that, but is gradually starting to taste it more and more each time we do it. she is growing up right before my eyes and it is so amazing to see and be a part of...

what else has happend this month, well not a whole hell of a lot.

I had a much needed hair appointment but yet I still hate my hair. I think the pregnancy changed my hair or something, it isn't quite the same

I had a potential job prospect which terrified me, but I went for the testing and I think I bombed it but whatev I am so not ready to go back to work yet anyways

the weather has continued to be above normal here, and everything is turning green and coming out early. the trees are even starting to bud, and I have flowers in my flower bed that usually don't bloom until June but they are out!

on to t.v. land stuff

omg I am so glad that GLEE is back on, oh how I love that show

survivor was freakin AWSOME last week and can't wait for tonights episode

newest guilty pleasure is abc's shows modern family & cougar town. seriousily funny. like laugh out loud funny

and I know I had more on my brain at one point to talk about but now it's gone

and I would like to shout out a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my hubby on May 1st

over and out

happy Earth day!

2010-04-22T21:23:00.003-04:00

well, ok it's almost over (2 hrs left and counting..) but better late than never

I've never really been a big recycle freak, but I try to do my part. we don't leave lights on, un-plug stuff that we don't use, try not to waste water, yadda yadda. the simple stuff you know. but today Oprah's show really hit me, like I had my ah-HA moment. perhaps it didn't help that I recently watched the movie 2012 and I'm now certain that the end is near, or better yet it's the "mommy" syndrome setting in and i'm thinking of her future. and the rate we are going I don't think its looking good.

depressing as hell but so true

that ginormous pile of garbage in the pacific ocean is beyond horrible and it's all OUR fault

and the slaughtering of dolphins, shocking, horrifying beyond words (I cried)

how did we get this way?
why do we waste so much?

don't know

don't think will ever know but we need to stop

so i'm going to try just a little bit harder to go "green". I want to start a compost, in fact we are even going to plant our first garden this year. I want to start using chemical free products (mostly cleaning stuff as it is bad for the baby) and I just want to learn as much as I can about it all so that I can make a difference. I feel empowered and excited for the first time in a long time

blah, blah blah

2010-04-16T21:03:00.002-04:00

I promised myself that I would do better with posting but finding it hard to come up with something that people would want to read or just something at all to write.

I'm sure none of you want to hear about me breast pumping my boobs and feeling like a jersey cow - MOO!

or how I have been peed on (FYI - cheap diapers SUCK and LEAK like a mofo) & puked on

or how I will just randomly babble in baby talk to myself even when miss lily is no where in sight

can you say mommy brain

ugh

and i'm also doing things that I swore up and down BEFORE I had a child that I would never do when I became a parent.

case in point: sleeping in the same bed

I watched/heard other people battle with their screaming child (toddler), in fact I think they probably still sleep with them but anyways, I swore I would never do this, that they had their own bed and blah blah blah. well, never say never because it is the simplest, most convenient thing to do and sometimes when you are breastfeeding and severely tired you just can't help dozing off for a few minutes and then next thing you know it's an hour later, your boob is still hanging out and the baby is zonked out cold and your like OMG WHERE THE HELL AM I!? and you wipe off the drool, scoop up the baby put her in her crib and fall back into a dead sleep and faguely remember doing all that the next day. and then other times it is the only, ONLY way they will go to sleep. and then there are other times that its just nice to have a cozy nap together in the afternoon. I am so going to have a screaming toddler aren't I? or am I over thinking all of this??

i'm sure I had more things listed in my head at one time but sadly they have left my one track brain (probably to never return) so I guess I am moving on to other topics.

I am missing Boston Rob BIG time from Survivor, in fact I even shed a tear when he was kicked off. boo. and it's just not the same any more.

YAY! for Glee finally being back on

and yes it is pathetic that my life revolves around t.v. in fact I think that is the only thing keeping me a little sane....

and alas i'm out of words. over and out

picture time

2010-04-07T14:42:00.009-04:00

hope everyone had a happy and safe Easter holiday! will try to get a written post done up in the next day or two

march in review

2010-03-31T10:50:00.002-04:00

wow it's the 31st of March already! I could almost do a happy dance as winter is almost (surely) behind us.

yet another month has gone by in a blur

what can I say about March of 2010 other than holy wow the weather was fantabulous! for almost 2 weeks I was out everyday with baby girl walking or snowshoeing. very warm/mild and more importantly sunny! I felt great these weeks like I was almost back to normal and then well the weather shifted and I feel like shit, ok, it's not that bad but it's totally the weather blues.

many visits this month with friends and family (so lots of road trips or running the roads as the hubs likes to call it)

a surprise visit from my favorite auntie on the 19th for a week was another bonus

changes in Lily this month:

- lots of laughs and giggles

- plenty of smiles

- talking (well in baby talk) lots of a-goos & razzing noises

- reaching and grasping at things (loves to pull mommy's hair)

- holding her head up better & stronger every day

her personality is starting to come out which is so fun. overall I couldn't ask for a better baby, she sleeps good, she eats good and hardly ever cries or fusses (for now). I am trying to just enjoy every minute and not fret and worry about my future work plans. I wish I could just hit pause sometimes and just stay in this moment as she totally worships me and her daddy right now, when she sees either one of us she just lights right up (makes my heart melt a little)

i promise to post pics soon

so long March!!!

another one bites the dust

2010-03-26T21:58:00.003-04:00

quickie post coming up but at least it is a post...

so I didn't get into the 2nd course that I applied for either, which left me very upset. actually no, I was major upset and flew into a tail spin (aka hissy fit), I cried, I yelled and then I cried some more. I thought I didn't have my hopes up but I guess I sort of did...so now I don't really know what my future holds work wise and frankly i'm done worrying about it at least until summer is over.

that is one thing I am very, very grateful for is that we have a one year mat leave option (even though the pay is paltry to say the least at least it is there)

sigh

i'm sort of feeling dim and low actually, perhaps it is the weather as it went from very warm/mild/sunny to bleak, cold and windy within a week

or perhaps i'm a tad bit depressed

there I said it

I shouldn't be at all but that blackness is there

la de da happy thoughts happy thoughts cannot let it in again

I need a girls day out

or hair therapy

or a $5000 shopping spree...wouldn't that be fun!

and i'm over and out for now, must sleep

another weekly update

2010-03-19T20:31:00.003-04:00

umm nothing really new with me actually but I am setting a goal this year to at least try to post weekly and well it's been a week since my last rant. so here I am again. sadly though it seems like the few blogs that I have been reading haven't been updated, so where is everyone at? on vacay? or just not blogging?

boo on there not being a survivor episode this week, I look forward to my weekly dose of Boston Rob so shame on you CBS

and OMG lost, where to start? I feel like the last few shows have been a tad disappointing, they hype it up so much and then nothing! so next weeks show had better be good

I finally got a new camera so you will probably be bombarded with pictures of my precious one, so don't say I didn't warn you. or I may just not as i'm lazy when I do have a free minute

ah what else...

the weather has remained so far fantabulous for March, in fact it feels more like April and I have to constantly remind myself that indeed it is still March. craziness but I love it!

and I've been walking almost every day and feel a lot better a)knowing that I am at least making an effort to get in shape and b)getting outside in the fresh air

it's amazing how good you feel after

oh and surprize!

my auntie Sharol is home again! woot woot love the last minute, unplanned surprize trips, so she's home for 8 days

and that's a weekly wrap for ya!

over and out

still crabby abby

2010-03-12T20:51:00.002-05:00

i'm still a bit crabby and irritable as ole hell but i'm trying but man oh man it's hard

went shopping today and wanted to cry/scream as the clothes just didn't look pretty, and therefore didn't make me feel pretty. it's weird as I feel almost back to normal size wise, other than the deflated tire that is my abdomen (aka baby harvester) and I really only need to lose about 15 pounds to be back to where I was pre-pregnancy and you honestly wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference but holy hell I guess it does!

ugh

and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself it has only been about 3 1/2 months and I can't just snap my fingers and be back to normal but man I wish

I just wish sometimes you know...

sigh

didn't watch the oscars, don't really care about them honestly so no fashion run down this year

don't give a rats ass either about Idol this year, it really, really needs to be the last year for this show. just not the same anymore and sadly I must admit that I do indeed miss paula a little. and while I normally love Ellen, she's coming across wrong or something I can't quite pinpoint it...nerves perhaps? dunno, don't care, not watching

two shows that I cannot miss are LOST and Survivor

highlights of my life

well other than miss lily

who is just utterly amazing and probably the only person I can't be a craby abby to, no matter how tired I am

over and out ~ shut eye time

mid life crisis?

2010-03-08T19:27:00.003-05:00

so i've been in sort of a funk, or more like anxiety ridden, depressed, out of sorts and I can't really figure out why

ok, no that isn't true I can pinpoint what it is

I had a baby

and while I love her more than my life it's totally spun me in new directions. I mean I knew it would change my life but yet I don't think I really grasped it until it happened.

everything and I mean everything is different

I'm late for everything now, I never in my life was ever late for anything. no matter how organized I try to be (mind you it is getting better/easier with practice) i'm at least 10-15 minutes late

I can't just pick up and leave anymore I have to have a game plan

when I hear bad news about other small children either being sick, injured, hurt or killed I cry (example the children in Haiti) and am heartbroken and sick to my stomach at the thought of anything happening to her

I am not number one anymore, hunger, the need to pee, shower, whatever can wait until she is happy and or asleep

i'm just having a time of it all and can't quite comprehend that i'm a mother

add in on top of that i'm going to be the big 3 0 this year and you can say mid life crisis - hello!

oh

and I also didn't get into 1 of the programs for school in the fall (still waiting on the other but i'm thinking it doesn't look good either).

so i'm bummed out

and I have no clue what my plan is for the fall

as of right now I don't want to work at all, I would be happy/content to just stay home with her but financially we can't do that

i'm freaking out here

February Rewind

2010-02-28T13:07:00.003-05:00

It's the last and final day of February and yet another month has gone by in baby girls life, and while I would love to say that this month has flown by like January this one seemed to drag on a bit...perhaps due to the non-stop footage of the Olympics (now don't get me wrong I do enjoy watching the Olympics but c'mon already 24/7 is a bit much) and thus resulting in endless mindless days in front of the TV watching speed skating, skiing, bobsledding and whatever else they subjected us to, cuz frankly there was absolutely nothing else on TV

so lets recap February shall we

the 1st week started off well enough my very special auntie (aka 2nd mommy) was home from Alberta for 2 wks so lots of time was spent with her and she even surprised us by flying my sister home for a couple of days, which was awesome. love surprises or un-planned events.

we took our 1st overnight trip with the babies to Moncton for a shopping trip, well, there wasn't much shopping done but at least we made our 1st overnight outing. it was freezing the days that we were down there which sort of hampered things but it was family time together with all my girls.

I haven't been doing my DVD which I spent like $100 on, not sure why other than I can't seem to even find 10 minutes (well it would be 20 you do two together), in those 10 minutes I can do dishes, pick up toys, brush my teeth or hair...you get my drift. I have however been doing or taking lots of walks with the hubs & Lily as the weather this month has been super mild and just plain fantastic

we also had another play date with Lily's friends, this time at my house, which was another success. so nice to talk with other moms and to just socialize with people other than the hubs or family

did I mention that I have been watching nothing but the Olympics?

also had Lily's 3 month mark, she's changing and growing so much! spent this day by getting her pictures done by a local friend. was a bit of a challenge as she was tired and a bit fussy but I'm hoping we got a few good shots

and that's about it, it's been a short month but man it feels like that 1st week was a lifetime ago

so now bring on March lets see what you have in store!

over and out! :P

strike a pose

2010-02-25T21:23:00.009-05:00

star light, star bright

2010-02-23T17:08:00.002-05:00

why does a person chew, and chew her nails until they bleed? like really I know I shouldn't do it but yet when i'm bored, anxious, nervous, worried whatever they are in my mouth

sadly looks like i've passed this trait onto miss lily as she is constantly chewing on her fingers!

why can't I read miss bina's blog anymore? it's asking me for a login and then says I haven't been invited?

same goes for a few other blogs that I used to read

lately I do well to come here though and check the blogs that I love and enjoy (ie. swishy, WC & beth)

I sent off applications for school last week!!

eek!!

hating my hair ~ again

perhaps I'll just shave my head a la Britney Spears

ok

maybe not

getting Lily's 3 month pictures done tomorrow. i'm nervous and excited about this hoping she co-operates and doesn't scream the whole time....

and that's about all I have - off to catch up with the rest of you

over and out

NeverShoutNever! - What Is Love? [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

2010-02-17T20:59:00.001-05:00

I happend to hear this song one day on MuchMusic and ever sense I can't get enough of it. It's catchy and the words hit home with me.

had to share it

boring!

2010-02-15T21:24:00.003-05:00

i'm sick of the Olympics already

however

I am happy that we finally won GOLD @ home

I was mortified and sick to my stomach and angry that CTV showed the footage of the Luger that was killed in that accident. i'm still haunted and sickened by it all. sad. sad. sad

i'm sick of hearing that gay ass stupid "I believe" song (will not get out of my head, who knew two words could be so evil?)

i'm tired of winter, even though compared to last year (snow wise) we have had it pretty easy

i'm glad V day is over for another year, man I hate that holiday

i'm tired of just being well tired

i'm tired of wearing the same clothes and having nothing fit and wishing that 10 pounds would magically disappear from my body

I would also love to have a personal chef prepare my meals

i'm tired of being indecisive

cannot make a decision

i keep flip flopping on the idea of going back to school

do I take the easy option and just improve upon my current skills or take a risk and take an entire different direction?

I JUST DON'T KNOW

and i'm driving myself insane

stupid olympics, yeah that's right I blame you

surprize!

2010-02-07T20:17:00.002-05:00

no i'm not pregnant again

and I didn't win the lotto but I got the next best thing

my sister is home for a short stint

and the best part (or worst depending on how you look at it) was that it wasn't planned it was just a spur of the moment thing.

so sometimes surprizes can be a good thing

so we've been cramming in as much time together as possible and sadly she leaves tomorrow (boo)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

OMG how good was LOST last week?

I have no idea where they are going with this and I am so looking forward to this last season I have even restrained myself from reading spoilers

it's just so darn good

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

miss Lily has been sleeping in her own room in her crib and is doing so well I think the first night was harder on her dad and I than her as we constantly were checking in on her. I don't know where or what I think will happen to her in there as she can't go anywhere but I can't help but think the worst so i'm a total paranoid wack job.

now I have a question

to pierce her ears now or to wait until she is older? I was always initially very opposed to this idea but the more I think of it I wonder if it would be easier now....

thoughts and feedback would be appreciated

and that's all I got for now

so long January...SUCKA!

2010-01-31T22:12:00.003-05:00

man I hate the month of January, it's right up there with November (which I now can't hate so much as my lil baby was born in this month) and March, I would throw in February as well but you blink and that month is over

surprisingly this month has gone very fast for me

I have survived another month of breastfeeding, diaper changes, baths, changing of clothes, cleaning up of spit ups, waking up at 3 am for a feed barely functioning (this is where just whipping out a boob comes in really handy) and on and on it goes

we have also survived Lily's first batch of immunization needles (now that was a traumatic experience and I have been scared for life) oh how she cried! and then I wanted to cry but I'm sure she forgot about it shortly thereafter but still SO CRUEL! and yes I know in the long run it's best for her as I so wouldn't want her to get polio, or the measles but comon 3 needles in one little babies leg (2 in one leg, 1 in the other) is a bit much. it broke my heart

we also had Lily's 1st playdate with two other babies a couple of months older than her, which is nice a) because I can talk with other moms b)I get out of the house and c) they will eventually be going to school together so why not get them friends before then? I initially was hesitant to do this but I'm so glad that I did and I think we will continue to meet once a month or at least while we are all off on Mat leave

also believe it or not it has been warm enough to go on a couple of walks outside with her which has been really enjoyable

we also had our 1st "day" trip as I had to go to see a specialist 2 hrs away regarding my SVT, went to the mall successfully without incident and we have sense made trip #2 which went a little more smoothly - practice does make perfect...

so the month just blew bye

funny how time really can fly, I just want to hit pause and enjoy every moment. she's growing way to fast...sniff sniff

n'ways good riddance January

p.s

from what I have seen of the Grammy's (which is very little snippets) they sooo SUCK. Taylor Swifts performance was horrible and really akward who the hell had the idea to pair her with Stevie Nicks? and who were the bearded cowboy men singing with Guitars? bad, bad bad

cranky pants

2010-01-29T21:51:00.002-05:00

and no it's no my precious baby, its ME

i'm so irritable and tired and just plain old cranky that nobody is safe, well, ok Lily makes me happy most of the time but even I have moments with her

sigh

i think i'm in a funk or just plain old tired

or maybe i'm pre-menstrual as I am almost done my 1st batch of birth control pills and the 1st period post pregnancy is looming (that aught to be a whopper)

i'm so angry or better yet resentful of the hubs as he can come and go as he pleases and doesn't seem to be as effected of things to do with the baby. he's sooo laid back about it all it makes me sick

i'm really annoyed with my pets too, they have so been demoted in the household...they want in they want out, they bark, there's hair everywhere and I have no time to vacuum. the damn cat was sleeping in the baby's crib (no worries she is still sleeping in her bassinet)

and it goes on and on

tomorrow is another day I sure hope it's better than today cuz I could rip someones face off today

pictures!

2010-01-24T22:12:00.007-05:00

in honor of my baby girl being two months old today, here are a few pictures from the last few days

8 weeks old, sporting my pink camo outfit that daddy bought special just for me!

just had a bath, all clean!

Lily and I on January 19th, just got my hair all cut off & colored (too dark, not sure I like..)

cuddle time with Mommy, she loves to hold my fingers

2010 Golden Globe Fashion Run Down - The BAD

2010-01-18T16:19:00.008-05:00

Ok, while I took a break from this last year...let's see if we can dust ourselves off and take a gander at the 2010 awards (which I failed to watch yet again)

now i'm doing this very rushed and hurried and used the 1st site that I came across for pics, and only now discovered that it's showing 2 in 1 so a few of these dresses do not apply

ok here we go

disregard the dress on the left, I love, LOVE Olivia Wilde and she rocked her dress so ignore her... The dress on the right however...meh. I love the color and she is sort of trying to go for the whole peaches and cream thing but I hate the extra fabric across the front (would you call that frilling?) and she's totally almost popping out up top. I mean I can understand as my boobs are huge right now too but keep those things in check!

next we have Amy Pohler who again I love and really her dress isn't that bad, but I must comment on her hair, not liking it that blond, in fact nobody except Gwen Stefani should have hair that blond...Girl on the right - Marion Cotillard however not so lucky. the dress from the waist up is beautiful, love the color but what is up with the whole peak-a-boo slit with the slip showing? strange, very strange

next up we have a girl I don't know and don't want to take time to google again as I can't remember what site I pulled these from. anyways she's a pepto bismal mess. bleh. again with the frilling and wtf is up with the white bow? FUGLY and hello what the hell were you thinking Tina Fey? you make me think of Mary Poppins and that you will float away if the wind was to pick up, and the shoes??!! nasty

oh Rita Wilson, where to begin with you? while I love that you are actually probably the only woman on the red carpet that represents the rest of us actual "real world" women you don't need to make it worse for yourself by wearing a dress that resembles drapery or an area rug. and Anna Paquin are you trying to audition for a new role as a stripper? cuz this is what you make me think you are in this dress, and hello stripper shoes!

and lastly who better to close with than Cher and Mimi?

can I first say that both of these photo's look like they are of wax figures? I should not be surprized as Cher has had more plastic surgery then anyone else in tinsel town. and really we have learned to accept Cher for wacky outfits on the red carpets and she once again does not fail us. I don't even know what to say about this dress really other than it's ugly, and strange and weird. now Mimi however, I do like the dress except for one small detail...there is no fabric in the front AT ALL. like hello titties. and can someone please inform miss mimi that she is no longer 20 some years old and to dress age appropriately?

anyways that's all I have time for for now

peace out

latest and greatest

2010-01-15T19:19:00.006-05:00

so with a new year comes the typical "weight" loss/diet mode plans, and needing to shed those extra 25 pounds of baby fat I purchased this:

I have been wanting it for quite awhile, even pre-pregnancy

so it arrived the other day

and it's official I am definitely, DEFINITELY way out of shape

course I did just have a baby and a c-section so I have backup (ahem excuses I know) but anyways this shit is hard, I can still hardly walk 2 days later.

n'ways movin on don't have much time

also took in this movie the other night

now i'm a scary movie fan or I used to be, now i'm just a 29 year old wimp who is scared of the dark (probably from watching one to many scary movies).

this movie was very much like the Blair Witch project, filmed with a hand held camera and making it feel like it was "real" t.v. a bit slow in parts but man it was freaky as hell when it needed to be

and while I don't want to ruin it for anyone who wants to see it

i'll just warn you to watch it with the lights on

and that's all I got

exciting eh

lil flea is doing so well, still breastfeeding and growing like a weed. not looking forward to taking her for her two month needles in a couple of weeks...boo

over and out for now

it's Friday, i'm in love

2010-01-08T09:25:00.003-05:00

i'm doing much, much better

and more importantly

i'm sooooo in love with my little flea flea

she's got me hook, line and sinker now

the reason

her smiles

they light up her face

oh and she actually looks at you now which just steals my heart away

it's just so amazing to me the changes in her every day

like how on one day she just all of a sudden had eyelashes

i didn't even realize that she didn't have them until they were just there

it's so hard for me to imagine my life before all of this, I know people say that all the time but it is so true. it's even harder for me to believe it's been six, yes six weeks already. and she's growing we had a Dr. appt yesterday and she is now 10 pounds! and the legs on her, holy (she sure doesn't get it from me) they just go on and on.

so yeah, i'm in love

and i'll try to blog about other stuff besides "baby" as i'm sure you are bound to get sick of hearing it but it's hard as that is my life now

over and out for now

a quick look back at 2009

2009-12-31T02:51:00.005-05:00

well this is a first for me, typing a post at 4:00 am but when you are wide awake and have an urge to write, well you go with it.

while I love New Year's Eve (there is just so much anticipation/excitement in the air), I hate New Year's Resolutions. in fact i don't think i've ever made one. people never keep to them, so why bother?

however, I do enjoy reflecting and taking a look back at the year, even when frankly you don't remember much as it went by in a pregnant blur, but it's still nice to look back a few years from now and think gee how could I be so (insert whatever word fits here) dumb, naive, vague...

so 2009 for me was a good year (I guess), normally (and I know this will sound stupid) the odd year numbers are not good ones for me but again I don't know if it was because I was distracted or perhaps the jinx has been broken but all in all it's been a pretty good year.

I didn't break any bones, or get deathly sick

I didn't lose a job (at least not this year)

I didn't go bankrupt

or lose my mind

on the other hand

I did manage to pack on 50 pounds of excess fat

but I had an excuse

cuz I spent nine (ahem ten) months out of the 12 of the calendar preggers

man what a long, LONG pregnancy that was

of course finding out almost the instant of conception didn't help either (a tip to anyone else that gets pregnant - don't tell anyone when you are 3/4 weeks pregnant that you are indeed pregnant, because then everyone will keep asking how far along you are and will point out constantly how much further/longer you have, this is truly agonizing and painful and will just save you from becoming the smiling, nodding robot)

so let's see what I can recall from 2009

umm ok here we go..

January - March - snow, snow and umm more snow. we were battered with snow storms last year. I was working quite frequently as I started my temp part time job in February and this was the lucky month that I got knocked up in. what can i say we had winter cabin fever and had nothing better to do! also had a death in the family, well not my family but my 2nd family and he was sort of a neighbor, well he lived down the street....anyways a good man died in March (right around the time that I found out for sure that I was pregnant, about 4 wks along) so that was rough as he died way to young

April - June - still working a lot, had my 1st ultrasound done in April also started our prenatal classes in April as I had the bright idea to do it while the husband was off work, well he only went to a couple classes and then started work in May so I don't know why I didn't just wait until the fall as I totally forgot everything that they taught us or talked about by the time November rolled around...May is a blur I don't really remember anything standing out in this month...June came along and we had the arrival of miz jilly's sweet little bundle of joy at the end of the Month and a nice visit with my auntie Sharol

July - September - Had my 2nd ultrasound done in July and found out that it was A GIRL! July also had to have been the crappiest month ever, it rained practically every day, but when it didn't rain I was at my parents and in there pool (a godsend and my most favorite place to be on a hot day). spent a lot of time here through the summer, in fact I was never more grateful to only work 2 days a week than I was this summer. my sissy was also home for a stint in July, so that was nice. August I got nothing but memories of the pool, bbq's and being ridiculously hot and sweaty. September rolled around rather quickly and I had my 3D ultrasound done and was able to see and bond with lil baby flea. I was also put off of work early on in the month of September due to my SVT

October - December - October was a very long, painful excruciating month for me, time literally stalled and did not pick up until after lil flea was born into this world. I would literally go insane trying to think of things to do to kill time, why I couldn't or didn't sleep is beyond me and believe me I tried to sleep but I just couldn't turn my mind off. nothing really exciting happened, oh wait I did have my baby shower in October that was fun/nice. then the waiting began, it was a long haul until November and even longer until the 24th but she finally arrived and the wait was over. then I hit a brick wall or what I refer to as the black pit. time doesn't exist beyond that point it all just sort of blends together. my hospital stay was hell on earth, rooming with a crazy biatch on crack, finding out the day after my c-section that I almost bleed to death (ok that is a bit dramatic probably but still I hemorrhaged and that's pretty serious..) coming to terms with the fact that I, (me who never ever thought) HAD A FREAKIN BABY!

like really

and it wasn't love at first sight for me, I wish i could say it was but I think it was quite possible that I was in shock from being strapped onto a table at a horrible/awkward angle and my neck was KILLING me being so very, very thirsty and shaking like a leaf (a reaction to the meds??) and wanting to vomit, my 1st thought was wow, she's really big and really red, and then i was back to thinking it want to vomit and get me off this fucking table. god i'm such a selfish bitch aren't I? like who doesn't love there child at first?

and i know i'm totally off the "reflecting back of 2009" topic but I need to vent

so not only are you exhausted, sore as hell from being cut open, bleeding out your va jay jay like a freaking tap but you have to deal with excess "fluid". god my poor feet, I thought they were bad pregnant well they had nothing on what they were like after. on top of all that, you have to deal with a baby, add in breastfeeding if you choose that option (which i am) and you've got a lot on your plate it's no wonder people get the blues and yes, you betcha I had the blues. quite bad really, almost wondered if I had PPD there for a bit. I would just cry, and cry for no reason AT ALL.

i can't explain it

you would think a person would be happy bringing a new baby into the world, but I wasn't, i just felt numb

I sort of still do feel numb

i'm doing better, feeling more like me and getting into a routine (thank god) but i'm having a time coming to terms with it all. I have a difficult time talking to lil flea as I feel awkward/weird. I don't like talking to her in "baby" talk as I feel like a tool, I do read to her and sing/hum but I just feel like all I am to her is food...does that make sense? and I worry about the stupidest things, like her not breathing or making weird nosies, and why is her poop green?

sigh

its just exhausting

in fact i'm tired so over and out for now

~Happy Holidays!~

2009-12-23T19:07:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas!

from our family to yours, I wish you all a safe, happy, joyful holiday season

(aka eat, drink and be merry!)

my life is like, WHOA!

2009-12-15T19:36:00.010-05:00

ok, ok I know it has been like forever, but seriousily i'm doing well enough to keep track of what day it is...

what day is today anyways??

I think its Tuesday and the only reason I actually know that for a change is because I had a Dr appt/check up today

what is it with time when you have to much of it on your hands it drags but when you have a tiny little infant to feed every 2-3 hrs it somehow manages to fly by...??

so

long time no talk my fellow bloggers sorry to keep you all in limbo but really I have a good excuse

I FINALLY HAD MY BABY!!!!

and frankly the last couple of weeks my life has pretty much been, breastfeeding, sleeping, diaper changes, rocking, more breastfeeding (why is this so hard?), etc, etc...

long story short (I don't have much time) I was induced on November 23rd, here's a pic of me early on (after they gave me the drugs to "start" labour).

You can totally tell that i'm scared shitless here..

n'ways

remember how I had a Dr. that I was totally uncomfortable with, well guess who was on call that day. yup, the one and only...what are the odds.

so my water broke around 3 pm (now that was a weird feeling and sooooo disgusting) but what I couldn't get past is that it sort of keeps on breaking, well, not really so to speak but you keep "leaking" through the whole thing. I hated that part, it felt like I was constantly peeing myself.

it's mostly a blur after that

I remember trying a bath and hating it

diddo with the ball

the back pain was way intense

my happy place or moment was a cold face cloth, my eyes closed just focusing on my breathing

oh and the ice chips, god I loved those

around 8 or 9 pm I think I was about 4-5 cm dialated I finally got the epidural, now that shit is fer real DA BOMB. you can bash me all you want for not having a "natural" birth but God created that drug for a reason and by god I would do it again in a heart beat

time moved slowly after that

looking back I totally should've slept, but like a dumb ass I couldn't/didn't as I was numb clear up to my nipples

n'ways

around 2 am, I was checked again finally made it to 10 cm only to discover (which by the way I knew before hand and they totally should've picked up on this sooner) that the baby wasn't turned properly and no way, no how could I deliver vaginally (again Karma hates me as I so didn't want to have a c-section but I just knew that I would...weird). so I had a c-section and viola

miss Lily Rose (aka lil flea) was born into this world at 3:27 am on November 24, 2009

weighing in at 9 lbs 7 oz

here she is meeting mommy

a little closer up this time

here she is meeting Grampie for the 1st time

hanging out with Daddy

just chillin

sleepin on mommy after a big feed

(I could've/should crop me out of this as I look like death but again - NO TIME!)

just had a bath!

that's all I have time for - for now, maybe someday I will do a longer more detailed post on the labour (as I would like to have a write up on it as a keepsake) but that isn't happening right now. I hope you are all well, I have been somewhat reading your posts just haven't commented.

ugh and can you believe Christmas is next week!!

omfg

so not ready

but in case i'm not back by then I wish you all a happy, safe and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

peace. love. joy

over and out

light at the end of the tunnel

2009-11-20T18:32:00.003-05:00

there is an end in sight!

I had my 39 week prenatal appointment today and I finally got a good, kindhearted Dr. who has swooped in and saved the day. This is the first Dr. that I have had since I was initially transferred from one hospital to another that I have actually liked, or better yet who actually seemed to care about me, my condition that I have and actually listened/seemed interested in what I had to say, my last few appointments were horrible experiences so it was nice to finally get some answers.

Of course he didn't stand a chance as I practically burst into tears when he asked how I was coping/holding up and I may have over exaggerated my SVT symptoms (sort of, but not really as I have been having more "episodes") but it's all for a good reason AND better yet I have already started the process on my own (sort of). My cervix is 2 cm dilated and has started to soften so really I could go into labour on my own this weekend but if I don't I'm scheduled to be induced on Monday!!!

YAY!!

Thank god I won't have to go past my due date, or even until 42 weeks

thank you
Thank You
THANK YOU!

now if you are really there god, please get the wheels turning and tell my baby to come out this weekend as that super nice Dr. (who I could've kissed) is on call this weekend and it would be really great if I could have him deliver my baby...pretty please??

so the end is near my friends ~ 3 more (possible) days!

killing time

2009-11-17T11:56:00.008-05:00

as I have a lot of free time on my hands (for the moment) my days are pretty long and extremely boring. I mostly mindlessly surf the Internet, checking crackbook every half hour hoping for something to change (nothing ever does), visit Perez Hilton & TMZ and I even frequent the shopping channel website (thankfully, I have so far been able to resist purchasing anything although I came really close the other day to buying a new laptop...).

I am now hooked to HGTV and love the shows - Property Virgins, House Hunters & Restaurant Makeover

I also watch quite a bit of the Slice network - Til Debt do us Part & Wedding SOS

pretty much the only show left on TLC that I want to watch is - Say Yes to the Dress, I cannot get enough of this show! like how much I love Randy and ALL the dresses! I also still cannot believe that people pay as much as they do for the "perfect dress" - CRAZY but I love it!

and because I've lost interest in a lot of shows that I used to love (ahem Gossip Girl, So You Think You Can Dance) I've finally joined the club of watching t.v shows on DVD

I can't forget about Ellen & Oprah gotta watch those two shows too every day or at least if Oprah has something non depressing/serious I'll watch it

the hubs and I are also getting caught up on Dexter (Season 2 & 3), I borrowed the DVD's from my hairdresser and OMG we both LOVE this show! we wrapped up season 2 last week and are on about episode 4 of season 3, it's just so good and I so didn't know that Jimmy Smits was on this show! Love him too! course now I swear even more than I did (which I didn't think was possible) but whatever

moving on..

ok, I have always loved General Hospital and have watched it since the early 90's but how freakin cool is it that James Franco will be joining the cast for 10 - yes TEN episodes starting this Friday - November 20th (how much you want to bet that baby flea will probably pick this day to make her arrival?)

can you say HOTTIE

drooling....

oh and the storyline actually sounds pretty interesting too...

cannot wait to watch

oh and I actually read a book that wasn't about breastfeeding, going into labour or about babies for a change, miz jilly lent me the latest Sophia Kinsella novel and I read it in a day. it was light fluff and a fun read, nice to get away from my reality and step into another one

and the other 12 + hrs of the day consist of eating, sleeping and frequent trips to the bathroom. I think I may take up permanent residence in my bathroom as I spend most of my time there

One more week til D-day (aka Due Date) but I have a feeling i'm totally going to be overdue and that this will be a December baby. I hope to god i'm wrong

over and out

benched

2009-11-14T09:20:00.002-05:00

I've been benched, sidelined put out of the game

this waiting thing really, really, REALLY SUCKS!

I'm beyond uncomfortable

to all the people that have been saying all along that I will go "early" I HATE you, way to get a pregnant women's hopes up all for nothing. I'm beginning to think that she will never come out! I cannot fathom 10, TEN more days of this!!!!

so in case you are wondering - no baby...at least not yet

in loving memory

2009-11-10T11:16:00.003-05:00

for those of you who have been with me over the years you may know that I usually do up a post or write up about a dear friend of mine - Lisa - who was tragically killed in a car accident on this day, so I always hate November 9/10th (the car crash happened on the 9th, she was taken off life support on the 10th).

this year i'm keeping it short and sweet

I can't believe it has been eight years, so much has changed, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday as I can remember everything in such vivid detail and then days like today it feels like a whole other life ago

I miss you so much sometimes and I think of you often

you will never be forgotten

I leave you with a fav pic of mine of all us girlfriends at Marsha's wedding dance, I think this was the year before she died

left to right

Sandy, me, Marsha, Jilly and Lisa

Friends Forever

IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

2009-11-05T07:30:00.002-05:00

*WARNING* major pregnancy rant ahead, you may want to skip this post. remember you have been warned

18 days ppl

or less depending on if I "go early" or not which every single person I know seems to think that I will. so then of course I get excited and think ok today is the day, and then, nothing. this does not include the tips that people just have to tell you to "bring on labour".

like for example having lot's of sex (which the hubs is ALL over, cuz frankly he hasn't gotten much through this pregnancy) but honestly there is nothing more un-appealing or sexy about getting nekid when you are 9 months pregnant and feeling like a whale but heck i'm willing to try just about anything at this point to get this over with. and well, let's just say so far this hasn't worked yet either

then there's the good old faithful of tweaking of ones nipples, or take a drive over a bumpy road. I haven't become desperate enough (at this point) to try either of these i'm still recuperating from the traumatic sex experiences mentioned above.

when I do leave my house (which is not often) I am constantly asked, "how much longer" or "must be any day now dear" which is all well and good and nice of people to ask or care, but frankly I just want to rip there faces off

in fact I want to rip a lot of people's faces off

irritable and cranky doesn't even come close to the rage I have been feeling lately

nobody is safe

then on top of that I discover that my now sausage like legs have become stretch mark heaven, they have become my very own road map. I discovered this yesterday and had a good cry. the hubs didn't even ask as he knows better by now to just keep his mouth shut. but really, why on my legs? why! I can handle the ones on my belly at least they can be covered but the ones on my legs.....sigh i'm ruined!!!!

this old girl ain't what she used to be

I also have to deal daily with the babies feet or bum sticking waaaayyy out of my belly leaving me wondering if it will poke right through the skin as the skin does not look like it can stretch any more, but it always does. it's the weirdest, grossest yet coolest thing ever

and then there are my feet

yes, I know I've complained about them before but guess what they still are hurting like a mofo, and the swelling!! UGH! they puff all up and do not look like they belong to me at all, in fact they seem so far away at times I think that they aren't mine

another thing that I've just noticed within the past couple of weeks is that it is now even difficult to wipe my own ass

and gassy

holy hell I thought that was just something funny they made up for movies

I hadn't really had much of an issue with gas until a few weeks ago (then again most of my pregnancy up until a few weeks ago was a piece of cake!) now I could be a methane gas producer, it's that bad

and the heartburn. OMFG the heartburn/indigestion is killing me!

i keep trying to tell myself it's almost over, only a little bit left but it isn't working

fun times

fun times

no more monkeys jumping on the bed

2009-10-28T17:57:00.003-04:00

i am going insane with boredom

INSANE!

I tell you the days are really, really long sometimes. I mean a person can only nap so much. believe me I am tired, cuz sleep and I are no longer friends, I do well to get an hour at a time through the night but lately I cannot seem to sleep through the day and naps and I used to be very good friends indeed

but not no more

my mind is constantly racing with things to do

like packing my bag for the hospital (which is practically done other than the last minute stuff that I use every day)

or cleaning out that hallway closet with all the "junk" in it, cuz who knows when I will ever get to that once baby is here

or should I bake some cookies, that would kill a half hour and hello cookie dough!

or there is always my dogs looking at me all sad and depressed like "hello, pay attention to me, take me for a walk, something, anything??" when was the last time I paid them attention?

then there is also the growing pile of pregnancy books that I have yet to read, i've got 3 or 4 on the go

so

yes there is tons for me to do

but I literally get tired in like 5 minutes

and I can't stand on my feet too long, because they are swollen and hurt like hell so I've been going in small little bursts of 15 minute cleaning sprees with several hour intervals in between.

i'm sick of the t.v (we too used to be best of friends), sick of the Internet (esp. crackbook which I seem to check every 5 minutes with nothing ever changing)

i'm just soooo bored

sure in 6 months I will probably look back at this and think, you freaking crazy crackwhore what the hell were you complaining about, enjoy the peace and quiet while you can! i'm on my 7th week of being home, not working with only the rare outing or two a week. a person can only take so much.

in other news I received my h1n1 vaccine on Monday so we can all breathe a sigh of relief (for now)

also I am now 4 weeks away from my due date

how freakin scary is that?!

showered with gifts

2009-10-24T18:48:00.002-04:00

I had my baby shower today, which was fitting because it is also pouring rain here today. I was sort of dreading this actually (meshing my family & his always stresses me) but it really wasn't that bad at all, in fact I feel all warm and fuzzy inside and well very much loved.

kind of nice really

I think my cold bitter heart grew a little bit more today..

ok, I kid I do have a heart but I couldn't help but swell up and get a little teary at times to know that a)i'm very much loved and that b)people already love my baby too

sure there could've been a few more people there, but really I don't have many friends outside of family (i'm a bit of a loner espically of late) but there was just enough to not make me freak out and have an anxiety attack, cuz I hate being the center of attention. and the best part of all was that there were cupcakes, lot's and lot's of cupcakes. I have been craving cupcakes for most of this pregnancy. When I was working I would sit and watch that show on TLC where the guy bakes cakes and cupcakes...i'm totally drawing a blank on the name...and I would literally drool over the cupcakes. well I finally got me some today. in fact I've lost count as to how many I have eaten, I might actually have eaten one too many but omg they were sooooo good and so worth the wait. I may sneak one more before bedtime....

also the presents

who doesn't love presents?

they were all so pretty and damn my little girl is going to be sporting some pretty fancy duds let me tell you. we did VERY well. other than the odd one or two things with pooh on them (I despise Winnie the Pooh, i'm not sure why exactly or where the hate comes from but I cannot stand pooh...) everything was perfect. I couldn't have asked for nicer stuff or a better day.

I haven't felt this good in a long time

course

it could be all the sugar from the cupcakes...

just sayin

:P

fly on the wall

2009-10-20T10:08:00.002-04:00

nothing fits me anymore, i'm freakin HUGE and i'm so sick of wearing the same maternity clothes, day in and day out. the other night I was to tired and wore a t-shirt that I could wear two months ago with my pj's and honestly it was a belly shirt gone horribly wrong. the hubs took one look at me and laughed. that BAD but I didn't change because i'm to the point that I just don't care anymore. I never thought I would get to that point either but i'm totally there.

I had an ultra sound done yesterday to see how the baby is growing due to the medication that I am on for my SVT it can cause the baby to not grow so they had to be sure she's "ok", well I could tell them that she is, as I stated above i'm huge and all along i've been measuring a couple of weeks ahead of what I should be or the "normal". well guess what, she's at about 7 pounds already and I still have 5 weeks to go! the ultrasound tech was all smug like "guess you won't be needing much for newborn stuff" and "I am betting on about 9 pounds". I wanted to take that little wand thingy that they rub on your belly and wack him in the head.

insensitive ass

on a side note from what i've googled, they can typically be two pounds off, so i'm hoping to god she's really only 5 pounds in there...

I thought I was waddling before, well, that was nothing compared to now. I feel like the baby is going to fall right out of my vagina at any moment. imagine walking around like that, go ahead try (for those of you who have been pregnant before i'm sure you know what I am talking about) try it, I bet you CAN'T!

and my feet, omg my feet I can't stand on them for longer than 5 minutes at a time without them hurting and screaming at me "GET OFF! GET OFF OF ME NOW YOU HEAVY COW!"

I have a crush on Justin Bieber

yeah, sad I know but he's so gosh darn cute...

i'm so going to jail or hell

i'll just blame it on hormones

another guilty pleasure is the t.v. show the Vampire Diaries, I was really expecting this show to be so cheesy and a Twilight rip off, but it's actually not that bad. ok, no it is sort of bad really, maybe that's why I watch? I dunno but I can't get enough. and the evil vampire brother totally steals the show

can you believe that October is almost over!?

where the hell has that gone?

i'm starting to wig out, like really, me a mom

really???

I really don't think i'm ready for this life curve ball, you get so cushy and comfy in your normal every day routine and that's all going to change. I think my main problem is that I just can't invision what life will be like once she is here, sure I know it's going to be plain hell for the first 6 weeks, no sleep, diaper changes, feedings, no time for me what gets me is the "joy", "love" everyone talks about that they instantly feel once there child is born. what if I don't have this? what if I look at her and think "it's so not worth it"?? what if I don't love her right away? what if I think she is ugly??

these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, along with the annual nightly kickings and moving arounds

what's your bet?

2009-10-15T08:02:00.002-04:00

honestly, I feel like a frickin race horse or something..

everyone is placing bids as to when I am going to have this kid

my "actual" due date is November 24th

I'll know more after today as I have another pre-natal apponitment as to whether or not they are talking induction so that will screw this all to hell, or I can keep it a secret and not tell when that will be.

the hubs thinks that I won't last through October and is claiming it's going to be a Halloween baby

my mom is saying I'll go early too, but I can't remember what she or even if she picked a date, but early November anyways.

so what do you think?

the wicked witch is dead!

2009-10-12T11:14:00.003-04:00

you may or may not recall that the hubs and I had purchased my grandmother's property (which is adjacent to ours) last year (sure I could be all cool and put a link up, but I don't roll like that) and to be honest I thought we would be stuck with it forever, especially after the last people screwed us over royally. but as of October 9th, it's not ours anymore!!

it's gone

SOLD

done and good riddance!

a Dutch family of 5 (who has 5 kids now-a-days?!) actually bought and paid for it, and were extremely happy and excited to buy/move in. frankly, I thought it was a hovel myself but with some hard work and $$ that the hubs and I do not have it could be a good house again. I haven't written anything here about it cuz I didn't want to jinx it but now that they have signed the paper work and actually moved in, I sort of can't really believe it. sure it's going to be sort of shitty having neighbors again, but it's such a huge relief and such a weight/stress has been lifted from my shoulders

in other news

I've been having frequent braxton hicks or at least I hope to god it's braxton hicks, it's too early for her to come yet (I'M NOT READY!) yesterday was the worst yet, very crampy with sharp pains and then I also had diarrhea, not cool, especially when it's Thanksgiving and you are visiting family and ingesting not one, but TWO turkey dinners within 2 hrs of each other

sigh

I have such a rough life, I tell ya

over and out for now I lost my energy burst

*UPDATE* so I did go to the hospital yesterday just to be sure (at my mother's persistence) and it IS Braxton Hicks (which I so knew it was) but still it was scary being hooked up onto the stress test and worrying that I was in early labour, thankfully i'm not (yet) but the Dr. told me to take it easy and try my best to get to 36 weeks cuz she CANNOT come out before then. so i'm sitting here with a dirty house trying very hard to restrain myself from vacuuming the floor which scary as it sounds is VERY hard for me but so not worth the consequences

Glee - Single Ladies (Football Team Dance) 09/23/09

2009-10-08T07:21:00.001-04:00

I've been meaning to post this for awhile (well @ least since it was first aired which was a couple of weeks ago). I laughed so hard I was crying, and then I think I peed a little but that's just cuz I pee ALL the time and sometimes I just can't control it (it's entirely the babies fault)

n'ways

I am LOVING everything about this show. its so off the wall, out of the blue funny and DIFFERENT. sure a lot of it wouldn't happen in real life (like what guy would be so dumb to think you can get a girl pregnant without even having sex??) but I think that is just part of Glee's appeal, you get away from your "norm" for an hour of entertainment.

my fav's or better yet the people that make the show are the cheerleading coach, the principal and, Kurt (I hate to refer to him as the gay guy, that sounds so crude, so he's the Kicker above) and oh yeah let's not forget the hottie with the mohawk.

if you aren't watching this show YOU need to be, trust me

baby room completed!

2009-10-05T15:04:00.007-04:00

baby flea's room pics

2009-09-29T13:05:00.009-04:00

cuz I have no life and i'm going out of my mind with boredom today, I picked up my piece of junk camera (i'm sooo upgrading before baby comes), I thought I would snap some pics of the babies room of what I have so far and do a before and after once I paint (I finally decided on colors, so hopefully the hubs will paint this weekend)

this is as you first walk in, that's the diaper stacker/holder

mobile and the two colors I am going to paint. doing the long wall in the dark purple and the rest in the beige/tan

front of the crib

car seat (we practice with curious george) & bassinet

change table

belly shot, yes it's blury as hell but it was the best out of the lot

and lastly and most importantly....

wardrobe!!

32 wks this week, only 8 more to go!

warblings

2009-09-21T18:30:00.004-04:00

not much to report my friends, my life has become so bland and boring I put myself to sleep all the time. can't remember if I told you that I was put off work or not, in fact I can hardly remember this morning, each day blends into the last. it's rather depressing really and I may possibly go insane.

this is what I have picked out for baby flea's bedding/room theme, except the room will be done in a lilac purple color

i've also been overcome with "nesting" aka cleaning or just plain rummaging with something. my reasoning is that I won't be able to do it once the baby is here, so i've been re-arranging rooms, cleaning closets, doing laundry galore, you name it i've probably done it in the past couple of weeks.

I didn't watch the Emmy's, but I have to ask does anyone even watch Mad Men or money or what-ever that show is? cuz I never have...just sayin....

I'm feeling very rotund, sort of like this...

and I cannot possible imagine that I am going to get even bigger but sadly that's the fact and there isn't anything I can do about it.

two months to go people

9 weeks

64 days - at least until my due date, I hope to GOD that this little one arrives on time like her mama and that I don't go over

our friends wedding was beautiful, I took maybe 5 pics and then my camera died. I so wanted to get a pic of myself and the hubs (who looked quite sexy in his tuxedo) but, didn't happen cuz my camera is a piece of shit.

and that's all I got for now - peace out

Dirty Dancing - Time of my Life (Final Dance) - High Quality

2009-09-15T14:11:00.001-04:00

in memory of my first "man" crush, I'll never forget watching this movie over and over, and OVER again with my sister and never getting enough

nobody puts baby in a corner

well Patrick nobody ever put you in a corner either, and you will never be forgotten. my heart goes out to your wife and family

~rest in peace~

skittles are good for you

2009-09-11T11:22:00.002-04:00

I've never been a what you would call "healthy" eater, i'm a carb-a-holic and I openly admit that. I have no qualms facing the music, but since being pregnant and hearing CONSTANTLY "wow you are HUGE" and then hearing the Dr. say "you are measuring 3 wks ahead" (aka BIG baby)...really takes it's toll on a person. i've become even more self consensus during these oh 7 months, I try to eat a apple and incorporate veggies but it's hard (did I also mention i'm a picky eater?) and i've gained probably in the area of 25 pounds so far and I still have 10 weeks to go....

sure i'm pregnant and I shouldn't care about the excess weight - but I DO! It's going to have to come off at some point and my even bigger issue is that I don't want to have a big baby.

stupid I know

but there I said it

and some of you know I worry about everything so I am constantly thinking or dwelling on this

oh

and it so didn't help matters yesterday when the in-laws were here to watch the DVD of the 3D ultrasound and having my mother-in-law say "you need to go on a diet"

I

was

speechless

UGH!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

in other news, I was put off of work - THANK GOD but sort of not in the way I had intended...

I haven't mentioned it here, but I have always (since I can remember) had a condtion where my heart would do what I call "palpate" aka go really fast and I would just brush it off and sometimes it would stop in a few minutes other times it would last quite awhile. I was diagnosed when I was a kid and knew a few tricks to help stop them when they occured. so no big deal right??

well not exactly

since I've been pregnant they happen A LOT more frequently, before they may happen once every 3-4 months if that (usually caffeine triggers it so I would avoid that, god I miss diet coke...), like i'm talking at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week. at first I did what I always did, I brushed it off, sometimes I could get it to stop, other times, not. then my mom just randomly mentions one day that it may become an issue during labour, what if my heart has what I call an "episode" during labour, or when I need to push? and then I realized it isn't just ME that I have to worry about any more, it can't be good for the baby when these "episodes" happen and I was also really concerned about my heart during labour. so I mention it to the Dr. this was back in June I believe.

the months go by and nothing is being done

finally last month I was able to be hooked up to a heart monitor for 24hrs, and of course I don't have an "episode" the entire time (which I soooo knew would happen).

anyways, long story short I went to work on Tuesday the 8th and I was having an "episode" so I thought well i'm here the ER was quiet, why not just ask to be hooked up to the monitor to see how fast my heart was going.

it was going 192 - the normal rate is under 100

so I was whisked away in a wheel chair (they wouldn't even let me walk), hooked up to monitors, had an IV inserted and basically had the shit scared out of me. I never fully realized how serious that this could be, like I said I always just dealt with it and brushed it off, stupid probably but that's what I did. at it's highest point it was 234 beats per minute. major wake up call. baby flea is fine, I now have to take medication to help keep it under control and i'm also lined up to see specialists, both OBS and Cardiologists. the exact medical term of what I have is called supra ventricular tachycardia (SVT). and me being a google whore, had to google it and discovered that most people with this do end up having C-sections, while there are a few cases where they deliver vaginally with no problems. I really don't want to have a section which is weird because before I was ever pregnant I was like "I so want a c-section if I ever have kids", and now I totally don't. funny how things change like that

enough about that for now

the big wedding is tomorrow!! I booked myself a pamper day and I'm getting my hair and nails done, which I think I totally deserve after such a stressful week. I may or may not post a pic of me in my dress all done up or not (depending on how much of a whale I look like)

happy friday everyone

It's a....

2009-09-06T06:49:00.002-04:00

GIRL!!!!!!!!

HOLY fracking leg cramps!

2009-09-03T07:45:00.003-04:00

so isn't it bad enough that i'm up every 1-1/2 hrs to pee, or change sleeping positions because my hips hurt from all the "weight" i'm carrying, on top of all THAT I get leg cramps like you would not believe

in fact a friend warned me that she had them and I just brushed it off like ah they probably weren't that bad

well, let me tell you

pain unlike anything I have EVER had before and it doesn't instantly go away, in fact I half thought that my leg would remain locked (and when I say locked I mean it's locked, like rigid, solid cannot move) in this excruciating pain for the rest of my life, so then you panic and my eyes are watering and i'm rolling around on the bed in agony, panicking and then its gone as fast as it appeared leaving me to wonder when the next one will hit....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I got my hair done yesterday and I hate it, well, no that's not right I just hate everything about myself lately

my boobs are leaking colostrum already - woke up the other morning and the hubs was like what is one your shirt, didn't even know it happened or better yet didn't know that that could happen

still working hopefully not for much longer, so want to be done, tired of it all physically and mentally and terrified that I could get H1N1 aka swine flu. it kills pregnant people! esp. if they are in the 3rd trimester - which I am!! paranoid much, check

can you believe it's September already? like where did August go?????

i'm going on Saturday to have a 3D ultrasound done of baby flea, cannot wait to actually see his/her face and to know for sure what we are having

I also need to find a dress to haul my pregnant ass into for the hubs bestest buds wedding the following weekend, so wish me luck on that cuz i'm sure i'm going to need it....

other than that it's business as usual for me - aka not a whole lot :P

check ya later!

where has the time gone?

2009-08-23T07:32:00.003-04:00

six years ago today I (at 23) took the plunge and got married, not knowing that there would be hard times and many goods times ahead. it's been a journey and more importantly, we've done it together.

love you babe

Happy 6th Anniversary!

bloody hell it's HOT

2009-08-17T11:14:00.004-04:00

well, we have had possibly the crappiest summer on record (aka rain every damn day thru June & July, I think we had 7 or 9 days without rain in July alone...) but alas the past week has made up for it. it has been hot, sunny and just beautiful, which is fine as long as I plant myself in or beside my parents pool. if i'm not there i'm not happy. cannot handle the heat. this is new to me, I could always handle the heat. well not no more. as you can see carrying a basketball (ahem child) can do that to a person

25 wks (5 days, almost 26 wks)

amongst other things, like peeing yourself without you even knowing (mind you it's not a lot, but still it just dribbles out without control)

I have a double chin

I can't even walk to the end of my driveway to get the mail without becoming short of breath and thinking I may keel over and die

i'm starting to panic as I only have about 3 months left to go, where the hell has the time gone? and how the hell can I possibly get any bigger?

sigh

OMFG i just counted out the "actual" days left til my due date and it's 99, that's under 100!!!!

and how would you take it if someone (actually A LOT of people) tell you that you look healthy?? would you take it as a compliment? or would you be offended as that is basically the friendly way of someone saying that you are GINORMOUS

and if one more ONE more person says - are you sure there aren't twins in there. i swear to god the Apocalypse is going to happen

other than being extremely hot and sweaty, I feel great. I have some nights where I can't get comfortable and sleep poorly but other than that i'm doing just swell as can be for someone not quite 7 months pregnant but looks 8-9 months...

sigh

99 bottles of beer on the wall....

hmmm

2009-08-01T19:47:00.002-04:00

well i'm at work again, and while I don't want to complain or jinx it so that I will be crazy busy let's just say that it is going very, veeerrrryyy slowly.

but again

i'm not complaining

cuz I would rather sit on my ass than be busy

so what's new...

well it has finally warmed up and we've had a "few" sunny days in my parts (finally) this has to be the worst summer EVER

also enjoyed some much needed time with my sissy as she has been home for the past week (is now gone :( again)

i've been eating like a hungry hippo (seriously) and in fact gained 8 pounds in one month @ my last prenatal visit, which was shocking but really up until this point i've only put on 2-3 pounds a month, i just hope next month isn't quite as bad...

some foods that i've been loving:

BBQ Ruffles and or Plain Ruffles (to DIE for)
strawberry shortcake
bbq'd steak (mmmmm)
Skor icecream by Breyers (yummy)
still lovin the freezes

and ya that's enough talk about food cuz now i'm hungry....

what else have I got??

ummm

i'm really disappointed in SYTYCD this season, there is just nobody that I am loving, you know like how I loved Twitch or Will last year. it's just meh. and I cannot stand Evan and i'm sure he's totally going to win. I would like to see Jeanine win but that's just my opinion. and the 100th episode show where Katie Holmes did her little piece - omg was so bad like beyond bad and hello if it was pre-recorded at least she could've sang live...ugh it was a lot of hype for NOTHING

I can't really get into Big Brother this year either...

and that's all I got a few bits about reality t.v and food

pretty sad really

catch ya later :P

quickie

2009-07-18T15:04:00.002-04:00

well i'm at work on a 3 day stretch (stuck on day 2) and had a moment to think well I should blog about that and so here I am

i'm finding working more difficult of course it doesn't help when my job is mostly physical and extremely tiring and just plain hard work. I can't go and go like I used to, i'm noticing the 1st thing to go is my back, then my feet and then i'm just plain tired and that's only usually 3-4 hrs into my shift. i'm going to cut back though as I have been lifting on heavy stuff that I prob shouldn't be and frankly the way I felt when I left here last night I could have cried (then I laid awake all night with aches and pains) so i'm not doing it anymore it's so not worth it

i also noticed yesterday that I now waddle

I always thought to myself well I will never walk like that when i'm pregnant, well guess what you have no say what-so-ever in that matter, it's like your body has a mind of it's own

i've also lost my belly button, i don't know how that's even possible but it's happened. it's just gotten flatter and flatter and what do you know GONE, well not entirely and god I hope I don't get one of those protruding belly buttons but i'm sure that is BOUND to happen too.....

and the peeing

ugh

you think you have to go sooooo bad and then when you take all the effort to haul your gigantic ass out of bed (doesn't help when your back is screaming at you) there's only a tiny dribble. i think I may take up permanent residence on the toilet, i mean you can sleep there can't you??

I had my ultra sound last week, thankfully i'm not carrying twins, despite the fact that every person I run into seems to think so...

or that my dates are totally wrong, surely i'm further along than what I am cuz i'm so huge

well guess what i'm not ppl she's just measuring long, cuz she's tall like her daddy. so back off. mmm kay

also survived and passed my sugar testing which I was DREADING and actually it was so not bad at all, I had heard horror stories about how awful the drink was and frankly I didn't mind it at all and frankly I don't know why I was so stressed and worried about it but i'm glad it's over and done

and that's all I got - peace out :P

picture time!

2009-07-13T17:27:00.001-04:00

20 wks 5 days (almost 21 wks)

i should've stayed in bed...

2009-07-03T18:12:00.006-04:00

you know how some days you wake up and know that you should lay in bed ALL day and just chill?

our weather here in my neck of the woods has been pure shit rain for the last 3 weeks and it won't be letting up anytime soon, so this morning was just like any other morning it was raining and better yet starting to thunder quite badly in the distance and I of course am awake at 5:00 am and cannot get back to sleep (suffering from insomnia lately which is a whole other post), i'm laying there my body is aching (esp. my bum knee prob from all this GD rain) and work calls, which they never do and I think well I might as well get up and do something and better yet make some $$

worst idea of my life ever

1st of all I couldn't shower cuz it is thundering like a mofo, which isn't too bad but it would have at least woken me up, I mean sure it's been a few days but I don't smell (at least I don't think I do....) and who the hell do I have to impress anyways....?? so off I go

I drag my sorry ass ALL day long, cannot seem to shake being sleepy and tired and frankly the bags under my eyes are probably harvesting little creatures they are that deep. seriously

oh, I forgot to mention that my dog Zoey is terrified of thunder and lightning and she so did not want me to leave which I felt terribly guilty about doing and also knowing, knowing in the back of my mind that I would arrive home to a mess on the floor (aka pee or poop which I would have to clean up cuz the hubs is a wuss). so one dog was out to do his business and the other wasn't. just had to get that in here...

ok 2nd mistake was eating 2, yes 2 (I was hungry) hot dogs from the evil cafeteria @ the hospital. at the time they were so good, and yummy. not so much later

so I finally finish work, exhausted beyond words I was supposed to get groceries after work but the thought of doing that made me want to weep, so I scratched that off my to do list and proceeded right to going and eating greasy french fries & deep fried chicken (mistake #3), while eating my supper/lunch I encounter the first bowel spasm. not good. not sure if I haven't talked about it before but I hate to go to public washrooms unless I really, really have to, especially if it's #2 so I brush it off knowing i'm heading straight home and finish my meal as quickly as possible. I should note that I live about 25 min away. this was the most excruciating drive of my life ever. I don't know how I didn't shit myself, i don't know how I managed to drive with severe bowel spasms rocking my body every 5 minutes. at one point I was almost ready to pull over and just go on the side of the road. the whole time i'm thinking just pull over and go but I just can't. I finally make it home run inside literally doubled over and just make it to the bathroom noting on my way inside that yes the dog did indeed piss on the floor in fact I have the river Nile in my hallway but I DON'T CARE

i'll spare the details but will use this one word EXPLOSIVE

that's all you need to know

well that and I managed to plug the toilet

I let the dogs outside (finally) poor things i'm such a terrible bad mother (this kid really doesn't have a hope in hell), go to the 2nd bathroom (avoiding the pee which is everywhere) and go to the bathroom AGAIN. change out of work clothes and proceed to bathroom #1 with the plugged toilet to un-plug it, which frankly I have no clue how to do "properly" and thus ended up splashing my own poo poo onto myself.

argh

finish unplugging the toilet and change into yet another pair of pants avoiding the pee yet again

as I was leaving my room for oh now the 3rd time I thought I had avoided the pee but I guess I didn't cuz the next thing I know I am on the floor right dab in the middle of the freakin puddle on my ass

told ya I should've stayed in bed didn't I

I changed yet again and somehow managed to clean up the remainder of the pee that I didn't land in without throwing up (it was close, holy hell it stank) I think the only reason I didn't puke was that would be yet another mess to clean and I was having no more of that....

honestly, I think I was more traumatized from slipping and falling in the pee more than anything but as the cramps continued on and on and on I than began to worry about my little flea inside of me. thankfully i'm fine today (now a day later), baby is fine but the next time I have the feeling to stay in bed all day I think that's exactly what I'll do

Introducing....

2009-06-29T10:40:00.004-04:00

Alexander Mark

born June 27, 2009

10.07 lbs

He's HERE!!!!!

isn't he just the cutest thing!! of course i'm a dumb ass and forgot my own camera so this is one I took from a friend and I just thought it was soooo sweet. I love everything about him, of course he is a chubby monkey (which is nice as i'm not so scared to hold him, which is weird...normally i'm terrified to hold a baby) weighing in at 10 pounds and miss jilly is a super star or super woman cuz she delivered him vaginally! imagine! actually, no I don't want to......and he has red/blond hair (which you can't see cuz of the hat, hope to get one soon to show you)

sigh this just makes me soooo happy and I could look at him all day

welcome to the world Alexander and I can't wait to watch you grow, and grow

sweat and stretch marks

2009-06-25T11:29:00.002-04:00

i have never in my life, EVER minded the summer heat and humidity, well I do now. holy hell i'm hot and clammy and sticky and sweating like a mofo, there is literally a river running through my now plumper fuller breasts (which sag and lie on my upper most fat roll which also sweats), I should probably wear a bra all the time now but I hate to when I'm just home lounging and did I mention that I'm hot and any extra clothing would just make me hotter. I think I may consider becoming a nudist, although i'm sure it wouldn't be a pretty sight....

I also discovered my first stretch marks on my above mentioned breasts at first I thought it was just creases from my shirt (I just woke up) but sadly no, they didn't fade away, still there. I think I cried a little and i'm sure they are only the beginning even though I religiously lather myself in lotion that is supposed to enhance my skin's elasticity. well at least I smell nice

in other news, miss jilly has yet to have her baby and will be induced tomorrow so let's all keep her in our thoughts and prayers and hope for a good delivery and healthy, happy baby. I can't wait to meet him!!

giggle fits

2009-06-20T17:47:00.002-04:00

oh boy, i have had a few giggle fits in my day but lately due to all the hormones raging through my body I have been averaging at least once a week if not more and some of them like the other night occur at the oddest times

and I mean these are full on, hardcore fits, like laugh until your sides hurt, tears (literally gushes of water) streaming from my eyes and i'm left gasping for air, i'm sure I look like either

a) someone having a epileptic fit (i mean no offense to anyone who has seizures..)
b) some crazy wacked out lady whose high on acid or whatever drug and will soon have the munchies..
c) someone having an allergic reaction (my face gets beat red)
d) all of the above

n'ways

the 1st time this happened I was shopping in Sears with my mom and Jilly who can literally pop her baby boy out any day (this was a few weeks ago), now I dunno what it is about Sears but I hate this store in fact we all hate it, but every time we shop we end up in there like a bad dream. perhaps it is the dreary gloomy dank lighting or the lazy clerks who never want to help you and so painfully ring you in ever so slowly or it may be all the 100's of different perfumes they have on hand, i just cannot stand this store.

so here we are in the ladies section (again) as jilly needs to get a nursing bra and my mom (who is on the shorter side) somehow manages to back into a clothing rack driving the rack into her back. not really funny right, in fact I should have been concerned about whether or not she was truly hurt but something about the look on her face as it happened and the way she grabbed her neck set me off

I was so gone, i burst out laughing and could not stop

time laughing 10 min at least and then I still had the giggles the entire time in the store

and then the weird case happend

I took to laughing during sex

yes, that's right you read it right. right dab in the middle of having sex I took the fits and could not stop

like what the hell

honestly

so other than having lot's of giggle fits and receiving more and more comments about my ever expanding waistline, not much else is new. I recently signed and started an on-line course which lasts for 6 wks and hopefully will snag me a much better job than what i'm currently doing, so keep your fingers crossed

other than that I got nothing! hope everyone else is doing fine

latest and greatest

2009-06-01T14:19:00.003-04:00

no I haven't fallen off the face of the earth (again) just haven't felt much like blogging of late

still nothing really new and exciting other than I'm sporting a larger belly, which has grown drastically the last couple of weeks. (15 weeks this week!!!)

so far I have encountered the following sayings repeatably and i'm sure it is only going to get worse but every time I hear one of these I want to scream:

How are you feeling? - ok, I know you mean well but how the hell do you think i'm feeling? I feel like shit, i'm tired, i'm cranky and oh yeah i've gained 5+ pounds nothing fits anymore and I want to CRY ALL THE TIME. i say none of this though I just smile and nod

Are you excited? - no, not really because I am in DENIAL. again, smile and nod

When are you due? - November, to which they smile look at my every protruding belly and say, oh??! WTF then they usually say are you sure there is only one in there? like c'mon how freaking RUDE can a person be and as another pregnant friend has informed me this only gets WORSE, that and they resort to patting your belly. if some stranger pats my belly I will attempt to hit them or throw something at them

Do you want to know what it is? - well I sure as hell hope it's not an alien (which I think it sort of is..) and I always hesitate on this one because you either say "yes" to which you get the following response of "well I wouldn't want to know, your ruining the surprise" or if you say no you get the opposite of "well, it would make it so much easier to buy things". so I just smile and nod at this too and walk away

people probably think i'm deaf, dumb or whatever but I don't care

and I just lost my energy burst

think i'll have a nap

catch up with u all later :P

[HD] No Doubt- Hella Good (Live At Ellen Show 05/19/2009)

2009-05-23T02:05:00.001-04:00

I LOVE me some No Doubt and I have, HAVE to see them this summer when the go on tour, regardless of the fact that I will be however many months pregnant I have to be there. I have loved this band since the beginning before they blew up and hit the roof and have not stopped since. and I have a love/hate realtionship with Gwen as I wish I could be her, she's cool, hip, stylish and the girl next door all in one (and she is married to Gavin Rossdale whom I also LOVED in the 90's)

so here's a snipet of them on Ellen the other day just to tease me and get me even more excited about the tour this summer

one no two words GRANNY PANTIES!

2009-05-07T12:37:00.003-04:00

sigh

oh the lows one has to face while pregnant

i finally got to go shopping for some much needed new clothes (ahem maternity) this past weekend in Bangor, Maine. and let me say AMEN for maternity clothes it's so nice to have clothes fit and better yet to be comfortable.

anyways in my haste at the cash register to pay for my wonderful, comfy new clothes I happened to notice a display of panties and thought yeah i'm probably due for some of these too and i don't know if I had a blond moment or just couldn't read or perhaps I was distracted by my grumbling stomach (which is ALWAYS hungry) which knew it was going to have a feast at Olive Garden shortly hereafter, either way I thought I grabbed the "lowrise boy short" kind and continued on my merry way.

well when I got home I soon discovered that I had purchased the wrong frigging kind, like way wrong. these things are so hideous and repulsive and BIG. sure when i'm 8-9 months pregnant they probably won't be but for right now the can stay hidden in the bottom of my pantie drawer. this really depresses me for some reason like farewell thongs hello granny panties!

UGH!

i'm on the cusp of a whole new world and it is TERRIFYING

and since i'm a lazy ass and haven't started a journal and may never get around to it thought i would track or write some of the things i've been craving, feeling, etc

freezes - omg i cannot get enough of these and i'm sure they are so bad for me (umm can you say sugar) but one word yummy!

i've been super nauseous and sicky poo the last few weeks, hoping now that i'm at 12 weeks to be on the other side of this....

i'm 12 weeks pregnant!

that is sooooo wrong and weird and exciting all in one

sometimes i don't feel or think i'm pregnant

then i see the already growing bump and it goes away

i can and could sleep ALL day

not sure if this is part of pregnancy but i'm blaming it on it anyways, but my memory is like, non existant at this point. for example I had to work the weekend, didn't have anything to eat for supper so I stopped at Subway and being the good girl that I am I picked up a chocolate milk instead of a Diet Coke drove not even 5 min down the road, get out of car to go to work, then proceed to work for 30+ min before I realized that I left the stupid choc milk in the car

I would do or give anything to have clear skin again, thankfully it hasn't spread to my face but everywhere else, mainly my poor back is peppered in zits. ewwww

I'm freaking out thinking that my baby will be handicapped in some way is that normal? or that he/she will be ugly and I know that comes across as being very vain but what if I have the kid with the big ears or nose?

i think i bit off more than I could chew...

say what

2009-04-28T12:31:00.004-04:00

what the hell was the U.S gov't thinking when the decided that creating a "photo op" of a plane near the statue of liberty??? like really was this such a great idea. do they not realize that seeing a plane that low and near buildings and landmarks that people would freak out (reasonably so). TOTALLY STUPID people, like beyond DUH

the swine flu - i'm terrified and think the end of the world is coming. seriously

the weather in my neck of the woods has been so beautiful and warm the last few days. spring is finally, FINALLY here, in fact it is almost humid/muggy here today. LOVE IT

had the privilege of watching the "birthing video" last night in prenatal class and really it's you know shocking but what got me the most was the ladies vajayjay hair. OMG it was so long and bushy you could braid it. so gross. and how embarrassing. i will NOT let it get that bad in fact I informed my husband that once i'm to the point that I cannot see it anymore he will have to trim it for me. sure I get the fact that when i'm that far gone in labour i probably won't give a damn but ewwww I don't want long bushy hair down there EVER. i just vomited in my mouth thinking about it, can you imagine how it would smell (shudders)

moving on

I also finally got my shrieky eyebrows waxed the other day and they look so much better, also got my hair did and while it is a little on the short side i'm sure it will grow in like a day. i may or may not take a pic and post it here

Idol is on tonite!!

Lost 100th episode is tomorrow night can't wait to see what happens

yes my life revovles around t.v

sad isn't it

ho hum

2009-04-17T19:13:00.003-04:00

I've been sort of "blue" or "down in the dumps" as they say, not exactly sure why just feel shitty. sure it's probably hormones or some other pregnancy related thing but why can't it just go away. aren't pregnant woman supposed to be happy and glowey?

n'ways

I'm sick of working, more precisely i'm sick of working like every freakin weekend. not that I even do anything on weekends anymore, but still nothing irks me more than seeing someone write on crackbook "TGIF" well it isn't for me you f*@%!

I'm also sick of being bloated, like wtf? and on a sadder note I can no longer button my one and only pair of jeans and have thus resorted to wearing jogging pants 24/7. the only plus to this is that I never leave me house so thank god nobody sees me

I thought April is supposed to be warm and springy. well it isn't. i'm frickin freezing ALL the time, and on Easter it snowed here

I miss my sissy

how awsome is the show Fringe? and better yet, how freakin HOT is Joshua Jackson??? you must watch this show if you haven't and if you are into a show half Grey's/CSI cuz it's a combination of something like that but with a kick of the X-files too. so good

i need a hobby - anyone got anything that I could take up?

and that's about it, or at least all I got for now

peace out :P

i'm noticing

2009-04-08T17:29:00.002-04:00

an increase in my breast size. like holy TITTIES. I've never had much in the boob department and to finally, FINALLY have cleavage after all these years to say it is impressive is an understatement. it almost brings me to tears. mind u i could do without the tenderness and sometimes sore nipples but it's soooo worth it (at least right now)

my waist has thickened some already and I'm already having to unbutton my one pair of jeans when I sit down (this is not so cool)

nausea - check

thank god no vomiting (yet)

and lastly, this may be gross to some people but I smell different you know down "there" and yes there is even stuff coming out. i could do without this too

enough on that subject

moving on

I totally need a new do and I am counting down the days until I have an appt with my hairdresser but everyone keeps saying pregnant women SHOULD NOT CUT THERE HAIR well at least not a short drastic cut but I need to do something, I mean I am hating my hair, it just feels nasty. It's dried out (i've deep conditioned it so many times I've lost count) and just feels so gross and nasty. part of me wants a cute chin length bob and the other part knows I should/need layers and keep my current length. I wish I could go tomorrow and have it done. guess i'll just have to suffer for another 2 weeks

and lastly I just have to bring up American Idol for a moment

I like Adam quite a bit, but really why all the hype about him? He's not that good/great and frankly I much prefer Allison over him. i. don't. get. it.

and I know it is really mean to make fun of handicapped people but I can't help but laugh a little while watching ________ (i so just forgot his name) umm the blind guy. last night was so akward and bad, i really think it's his night to go home

and that's all she wrote for another day

peace out

early stages yet

2009-04-02T10:08:00.002-04:00

I'm only 6 wks along and already feel like it has been forever!

this has kicked my anxiety up another 5 levels and my mind will just not stop racing

1st there was the possibility that I may have a tubal pregnancy, which thankfully they don't think I have as the pregnancy hormone has increased a lot (all I can say is thank god I don't mind having blood work done), but I was having a lot of pain in my lower right side the week previous to when I found "out" and i'm grateful to have this behind me but still it was an extra stress and worry for me

2nd I have experienced spotting, not a lot but it scared me and I can't help but feel that this just isn't meant to be and that i am going to lose the baby. is that weird? I mean me as a mom, ohmygod!

and lastly I tripped and fell at work last week and it was weird, like for the first time it's not just about me anymore

this is a lot to take in and deal with

the books
the online websites
the terrifying fear of *gasp* labour
the changes in my body (already)

and it goes on and on

and on top of all that the neighbors from hell are moving out (long story short, they were renting to own or 2nd house, but have decided to back out and buy a different house), which i'm glad for it's been nothing but bad from the get go, but it's an extra stress that I just don't need right now.

I think i'll crawl back in bed and not come out for awhile

late breaking news

2009-03-31T15:02:00.002-04:00

time for your 5 o'clock news update people and we miz flea flea's representatives have some sizzling new news to inform you of.

while we apologize for her recent lack of posts (again) she at least has a reasonable excuse this time (I wouldn't let her get away with it to often)

and no it doesn't have to do with Brad or Angelina or Jen and washisname myer or any celeb at all but it is life altering for her, in fact it is so huge she still hasn't come to terms with it all and thus left it to us to tell you.....

she's

PREGNANT!!

which explains A LOT

no wonder she's been so moody and grouchy and eating us out of house and home (HAHA)

poor flea flea doesn't know to be excited or if she wants to cry (in fact I think I hear her crying in the other room must be an "emotional" day). and honestly we only told a few people and already the whole county knows so we thought, well why not share it with our few blogger friends that we have left. Now don't go be telling her either that we told you, she's afraid that by everyone knowing that she will somehow magically lose the baby as soon as everyone knows (which would be awful) but whatev. what will be will be

so get prepared ya'll cuz i'm sure the next oh 9 months are going to be very interesting on here

peace out

miz flea flea's pps

another chapter closes..

2009-03-20T20:42:00.002-04:00

yet another chapter of my life has closed

as (gasp) 30 approaches I cannot deny the fact that I'm getting older (even though I don't feel or act it at times). so today I decided to finally remove my belly button ring that I have had for over 10 years because really who am I kidding? i sure as heck am not 20 nor do I have the appropriate figure to display it to the world (it has been hidden for the last oh 5+ years)

you may ask why the hell I didn't take it out long ago and the reason is this, I was terrified and scared like a baby. frankly it hurt like a mofo and then on top of that it was infected for weeks which hurt even more if that is possible. so I left that baby in there and it wasn't coming out. until today

and truly it wasn't that bad coming out

OK, perhaps it was

it took me at least 10 minutes to gather the courage in the 1st place, another 5 to let the hubs actually "touch" it, there may have been some squealing involved and maybe a little whimpering and whining but it came out

I'm a little sad about this really

this symbolised my teenage hood, my rebellious wild side and all I have now is increasing fat rolls and sagging breasts

life is so cruel

crabby pants

2009-03-18T12:38:00.005-04:00

so i don't know what my problem is lately but i've been somewhat of a crabby pants lately...

remember Shrieky from the Care Bears (at least I think that's what she's from..)

this has been me lately (sadly I think my eyebrows are the same as hers right now too, as i've neglected them, amongst other things)

just the littlest things set me off

the dogs - annoy me they bark, they track in the mud from my mud pit of a yard (i'll have to take pics so u see what I mean...), they just plain annoy the hell out of me

the cat - Charlie particularly, he is an "outdoor" cat most of the time but lately he just won't go out, so he goes around meowing and just plain annoying the hell out of me and i think he totally is doing it on purpose

dishes, laundry, toilets, i dispise them all

what up with that

is it PMS? is i just being tired?

or it could be the fact that I finally weighed myself the other day and well i'm now offically the heaviest i've ever been in my life. can you say depressing! frig that really didn't help matters

so i think i'll take shrieky and just go back to my cave and not come out for awhile

mumblings

2009-03-10T14:46:00.004-04:00

latest happenings...

not a whole lot really, I'm just coming off working the last 4 days and I am EXHAUSTED! I don't know how these people can do 7 yes SEVEN day stretches of these! omg after shift 3 I was done in then I got a call yesterday and just couldn't say no, so I worked another 3-11

one word

brutal

i was almost crying at the end of the shift, never been so physically tired

thankfully it's over and i'm feeling it today, still extremely beat and it's now almost 4 in the afternoon and i'm still in my pj's and have not brushed my hair or even looked in a mirror (don't think I want to it may scare me)

so on war and upwards as they say

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

my fav auntie Sharol (aka 2nd mommy) is coming home for 2 weeks and is arriving home tomorrow nite!! YAY! cannot wait to see her as it's been 2 1/2 months since she was last home. and oh how I miss her!!

is anyone else sick of hearing about RiRi and Chris Brown? so tired of hearing this, and even more sickening is the fact that she went back and that he will probably get out of this without losing anything. either way i'm so tired of hearing about it all

also sick of Octo mom, surely she has had her 15 minute already....although the Jimmy Kimmel joke that other night was freaking hilarious

does anyone still watch Desperate Housewives?? I came across it the other night at work and I was like "this is still on??" haven't watched it since season 2...

daylight savings time can kiss my ass

although I do enjoy the extra hour of light at the end of the day...

why am I always hungry?

think I'll watch me some YouTube..

peace out :)

Winter Wonderland

2009-02-27T15:57:00.014-05:00

We had a major snowstorm on Feb 23rd, where we were hit with a foot and a half of snow, this was the hubs and I (and the dogs of course) 1st snowshoe adventure out, after the storm on the 25th. I wanted to get a few pics of the snowbanks and of the dogs. The one above is the hubs getting his gear on and the dogs playing and tearing around the yard. This is the backside of our house and as you can see the snow is piled pretty high

Zoey girl waiting patiently for us to get going

Snow banks and trees looking very pretty covered in snow in our back yard

The one and only pic of Riley, he never sits still this one, always on the go, unfortunately it didn't come out too well....

Zoey taking a break and rollin in the snow to get cooled off

The unbroken trail before us. This was really tough going and we had to stop every 10 minutes or so to take a break, really, really hard on the legs

The trail that we left behind us...

another pic of the trail ahead (un-broken)

the hubs and I (i'm on the left)

Zoey again, pretty tired out at this point (I was too)

and lastly the stretch right before our house, I call this the "magical forest", so pretty and peaceful

another door closes...hopefully another will open

2009-02-26T14:08:00.002-05:00

sigh

you know how when you find a perfect job, you apply and you have high hopes that you will get this said job, but you try not to get too excited or worked up about it, brushing it all off as "if it's meant to be" and all that jazz but yet deep down knowing that you will get this job. it's perfect for you. You even have a family friend on the inside that has agreed to "put in a good word" for you.

well today, I received a letter stating that I was not qualified for this said "job" and thus out of the running. case closed.

to say that this was a blow to the gut is an understatement. it's sort of put things in perspective that I have been ignoring for months, and thus sent me into a tail spin.

i'm angry, upset, disappointed in myself

I feel like a failure

and sure, it would have been nice to have a full time job again but I know deep down that I will not be happy in an admin position. sure I could do it and after six months I would just be miserable again. and this stupid job in question was only for 1 year with possibility of renewal (i've been there done that and it didn't work out), so it's probably best in the long run but still...

which leads me back to - well what do I want to do for a living?

I DON'T KNOW!

I've never known

which just makes me even more frustrated

I can't seem to muster an ounce of motivation to do anything. I'm supposed to be studying and learning medical terminology which could possibly land me a job at the hospital. But do you think I have picked the book up at all?

the answer is no, why i'm not sure, i'm just so confused, angry and bitter right now I don't seem to want to do anything and I have been this way for months. I can't seem to snap out of it.

maybe this kick to the stomach will get me going (I doubt it)

but I need to do something, I just wish I could have someone tell me what I need to do, of course that would be to easy.

and on top of all that i'm super emotional lately, I could just cry and cry and that's pretty much all i've done since I read that stupid letter this morning. which is probably my hormones, cuz yes, I finally went off the birth control pill. not that I want to get pregnant right now but I may in 4-6 months, who knows and I've been on the pill for at least 10 years and seeings how heavy my last period was it makes me wonder how natural it is for us to take that in the 1st place. On the pill I did well to bleed maybe 1 or 1 1/2 days, off the pill I went 7 and then some. I was sort of freaked out by how much I bled. So I wanted to get it out of my system, stupid probably and I may just go back on it. I don't know!

i have so many thoughts running through my head right now I can't keep it all straight

just another day in my ho hum life

81st Academy Awards - Red Carpet Rundown - "The Bad"

2009-02-23T15:58:00.008-05:00

ok, so I'm a bit rusty and I didn't actually watch any of the awards (I have an excuse I was working) but I just can't help but go through my pics of the nights worst and best dressed. so here are a few of the bad

not sure where to begin with this...I mean I hate to diss her she's a legend and all but comon! This is so something straight from the early 80's. When I watched the video back of her presenting I thought she had on sparkly gloves but it's apparently sleeves as obviously seen here, and the puffy cloud mess at the bottom is horrendous! and the color looks like baby puke, not that I've seen much baby puke but that's what it is. awful just awful. but hell if I look as good as her at her age...gotta give her some credit

oh Amy Adams, I love red but somehow when I look at you I think of spiderman? perhaps it's the weird black webbing around your bosom? not exactly sure but that's what comes to mind. Love the necklace but again not with this dress! there is just too much going on with the webbing and the piece that is pulled up and pinned to your breasts! do you have small chest syndrome like me? I have no other reason why a designer would do this to you

this is Amanda something or other, who stared in Mama Mia! this girl is as cute as a button, but this dress makes her look like a Christmas present. not. a. good. thing. bad shoes, bad necklace and BIG bow. yuck!

I think this is Melissa George (dunno who or what she has been in), and the only reason I put this here is because I cannot stand mermaid gowns! and why do they always appear? every year like a bad habit. all tight and snug fitting up top and then a big pile of fluff at the bottom, it just doesn't look right to me

and lastly we have Justin Timberlake's GF Jessica Biel. I've filed this under the category of What the Hell! again I think the designer didn't know quite what to do with the extra bit of fabric. Should I go over the shoulder...or no why not make a big half lumpy bow and run it down the front of the dress....geesh! what a sloppy pile of goods that is. messy hair, messy dress and yes I hate her a bit for nabbing the love of my life (he just doesn't know it)

UPDATE - Honorable Mentions go to:

Miley Cyrus

Tilda Swinton

Whoppi Goldberg

bad, bad blogger

2009-02-16T13:35:00.002-05:00

yes, i've forgotten about you again dear old blog. but I have a good excuse. I've been working a lot and actually have good news. I obtained a temp part-time position which guarantees me at least 2 days a week and gasp - a schedule. which I have missed dearly. being on a "call basis" sucked cuz you never knew if and when they would call. I can pick up as many days as I want in between, if I don't feel or want to work I don't have too. and right now i'm so tired and played out I don't want to, i'm not booked again until the weekend so I may just veg all week.

i had intended to blog about the grammy's but obviously that never happened. and who else is so sick and tired of hearing about Chris Brown and Ri Ri?? God. enough already! I will say this though, I think he should be punished, especially where this is so public, whether it be jail time (prob not but he will pay a hefty fee i'm sure to get out of it) and he can probably say good bye to his career.

oh, and enough about octo mom to please!!! this girl is soooooo whacked and messed up. should not be allowed to have her kids.

and that's all I got - for now

gotta catch up with you all

latest addiction

2009-02-03T12:54:00.003-05:00

i go through phases where i am totally addicted to something, usually it's a computer game (Sims), blogging was big for awhile but since i've been home, un-employed i've become totally addicted to YouTube. I spend hours on there (yes, I have no life)

there are soooo many things on there it is insane!!

old t.v. shows, commercials, figure skating, fat people dancing and sooo much more

and it's all there for me to watch!!

about a month ago I watched all 3 Anne of Green Gables movies on there which I hadn't seen since I was a kid

amazing

this has to be the best invention EVER

game day

2009-02-01T11:22:00.002-05:00

it's Superbowl Sunday!!

do I watch football

no

do I really care who wins

no

do I still tune in and watch (not all of it, but at least some)

yes, well mostly for the commercials but still

everybody talks about the Superbowl, why, not exactly sure but it's HUGE

so who do you think will win?

Steelers or Cardinals?? I think Cardinals

brrrr

2009-01-27T11:42:00.002-05:00

ok so i know I live in Atlantic Canada and that winter is usually cold and all but c'mon already!! it's been frickin freezing here for like the past 2 weeks. not fun.

you know it's pretty cold out when the inside of your nose freezes instantly...

but on the positive side we almost have January over and done with. Man I hate January it's almost up there with November what dreary loooong months they are.

finally got my EI today!! woot woot! which is good cuz my work has died down big time went from 3 days a week to 1 (shitty). but I take what I can get, cuz its nice to get out even if it's one day. i was getting cabin fever and uber down/depressed. i'm hoping something will open up soon in either admin or part time in housekeeping (keep your fingers crossed)

other than that it's same old same old in my neck of the woods

Friday Five

2009-01-23T10:21:00.002-05:00

haven't done one of these in ages either, and seeings how i'm trying to get back into the whole blogger routine, why not go with something old and faithful?

these are the five latest tunes that i'm digging right now

Beyonce - Diva

John Legend ft Andre 3000 - Green Light

Pussy Cat Dolls - I hate this part (this sticks in my head and will not get out! not so sure that's a good thing....)

Katy Perry - Thinking of you

All American Rejects - Give you hell

Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire (Live At V Festival)

2009-01-20T15:54:00.001-05:00

this is my new fav band and while I couldn't post the video (which you can appreciate his hotness even more in) that was made for this, I found a live version which is still AMAZING!

luv this song, luv the lead singer

~enjoy~

quick update

2009-01-17T20:41:00.002-05:00

gosh it's been a long time since i've been on here actually typing something, part of it is due to severe laziness other parts just because my life is very boring right now, sure I could write about horror stories of things that i've seen or cleaned at work but who wants to read about someone cleaning up some old persons shit? ya can thank me for that one later

just a whole lot of meh

i have no ambition to do much of anything, I work usually about 3 days out of a 7 day week and the rest of the time i just veg

*note ~ I still have not received my EI (fuckers), they probably think I make to much money

not to exciting

i have however discovered that I must have arthritis in my ankles and knees as some days after working a hard shift I can barely walk. not cool. I feel like i'm old, really old. not sure what is up with that and may have to make a trip to the wizard cuz i can't live like that forever

what else is new...?

I saw Marley and Me and cried my eyes out

skipped this years Golden Globes (not sure why)

and that's about it

ups and downs of 2008

2008-12-29T16:57:00.002-05:00

well Christmas is over for another year (thank god), oh how I love and loathe the holidays, but we got through them.

and one can't help but reflect back on the year as good ole new year's eve is right around the corner. and while I can't remember all that 2008 contained here are a few highs and low lights (i may ad/edit more later)

let's start with the lows to get them out of the way shall we

* the biggie was losing yet another job in late October early November, the business that I was employed at folded up and shut down for good, and while I had an idea that it was coming I still wasn't prepared for it

* spent majority of the year depressed, anxious and just not happy at this said job wanting to leave but not leaving and sea sawing on that decision until the doors shut in my face

* watching my favorite auntie and 2nd mum pack up and leave for the wild west (aka Fort McMurray) in late May

* suffered through one of the worst winter's our area has seen in a very long time, snow, snow and more snow it just never seemed to end

on the positive side

* got to see Cats in February with my mom, aunt, Jilly in Halifax - one word amazing

* Jilly & Mark's wedding in May in the Dominican Republic, one week in paradise and a wedding in the middle. tons of memories, Lot's of laughs, truly a remarkable experience

* celebrating my 28th birthday, this was one of the best birthday's in recent memory. all of my co-workers chipped in and bought a cake, we ordered in pizza for lunch, they sang happy birthday, then my hubby takes me out for dinner. a perfect day

* NKOTB in September need I say anything more?

* discovering that I am going to be an aunt come June as Jilly & Mark are expecting!!

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-22T15:16:00.001-05:00

this makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

a whole new world

2008-11-20T12:02:00.003-05:00

so I have found a job, well sort of

i'm becoming a casual employee at our local hospital, which is an on-call basis, they can't guarantee me hours and it's shift work, so my plan is to still file for my EI (which I probably won't get before Christmas, here's to hoping that i do..) and have the EI as backup in case I don't get a lot of hours, but my feeling or take from the guy that interviewed me it sounds like that won't be an issue

now as to what i'll be doing i'm not so keen on that, i'll be doing housekeeping, aka Janitorial work, which for me i've never done, it's hard honest work and while I don't have an issue doing the work i'm just concerned as to how i'm going to adapt. coming from all office experience and sitting at a desk for the past oh seven years it's going to be a challenge. and my family didn't nickname me flea if it didn't fit, i'm small, puny (or I was then, i've since gained a few pounds) and weak. honestly, i'm a lazy ass, no two ways about it.

but

i think I need this change. I just want to go work hard and come home and not have to stress about work stuff, and the pay is better than what I would be making should I go the whole office route again and the bigger AND is that it opens a lot of doors, once in as a casual I can apply for any openings available whether it be administration or another department to become full time. which is HUGE, this will open a BIG door (or I hope).

so it's a whole new world

i'm scared but I think it will be a good thing

i'm also sad as tomorrow will be my last day at my current (now old) job, which is so weird but yet i'm happy to finally have it all over and done with.

time to move on

i robot

2008-11-19T11:36:00.003-05:00

i feel like a robot

i'm just going through all the motions of life but I feel empty and numb

here is what my day consists of:

drag by butt ouf of bed (literally)
go to work in an empty office and process refunds all day
drive home
cook super for 1 (hubs is still working away all week)
play with dogs
get fire going
watch mindless t.v
maybe work on baby quilt for brother in law & wife's new son for x-mas (not likely)
go to bed around 11 wake up every morning around 2:30 -3 and then toss and turn until time to get up and do it all over again

sigh

i'm tired, achey and i know i'm depressed, i just can't seem to pick myself up or think of anything positive

no luck on the job front/hunt either

look like i'll be filing for EI which may take up to six weeks to get 1st payment

not good

esp when the hubs will be filing after next week also

needless to say that we will not be doing Christmas this year

fun times in the Maritimes

beat of my heart

2008-11-14T14:24:00.003-05:00

so i deleted my post about taking a break, who am i kidding i can't take a break from here, sure I can go a few weeks without posting but to leave that post on here was just sort of eating away at me, so it's gone and i'm moving on

my mental state of mind still isn't anywhere near 100% but i'm doing ok

i had a mini meltdown last week which I think helped a lot

still don't have another job lined up and only have 1 more week of work left before the whole business is closed for good. i'm still coming to terms with all of this and almost feel like i've had a death in the family as i'm truly going to miss my fellow co-workers and hurt for them as they are also going to be un-employed like me in a tough economy right now and hardly any jobs available in our area. it's just truly heartbreaking

but i am coming to terms with it all, being here with only 1 other admin and seeing the furniture being taken away, all the pictures off the walls it's just so empty, quiet but it's closure

which is something

as i sit here looking out my office window I can see the town crew getting ready for our annual yearly Victorian Christmas (at this point I don't even want to think of Christmas) and midnight madness which I feel they put on waaaay to early but that is a topic for another day

peace out