I'm not dead!

I know morbid as hell! but really i'm not and I have no excuse what-so-ever of neglecting my beloved blog site. once upon a time I would come here daily, and then maybe weekly and then maybe once every few months and then suddenly...gasp...NEVER! I actually completely forgot about this place and it just randomly popped into my head driving the other day (where I do all my thinking/check lists) that hey I wonder how so and so is doing from my blog-o-sphere universe. and I missed it. terribly.

not to say that I will be back fully and whole heartedly as it just isn't the same. my life is 350 degrees different than it was but it is still a piece of me and a part of me. I can't let it go and I don't want to start anew.

so where does that leave me? well alive i guess is a good place to start. Miss Lily Rose is turning 4 (yes, 4!!!!!) in 2 weeks which equals MIND BLOWN. where the eff does time go? like really? I see her baby pic on here and think of the girl in front of me today...sigh it goes much to fast. and before you even think or ask if baby #2 is a possibility or in the works the answer is ....not right now. i'm so on the fence on that topic and hate, HATE when people ask me when the next one is coming. honestly if I knew I would make a t-shirt or bulletin board or something. frig people back the heck off and mind your own P's & Q's. geesh for all you know I maybe can't have any more children and it could be a really akward conversation if I was. maybe next time I will start crying when someone asks me....

and i'm taped out for tonight and lost me thinks and thoughts. hoping I will be back. it feels good to write it all out.

Holy Fucking Time Warp Batman!

ok, ok I realize I now suck at blogging, I get it but i've been a tad busy with this other thing called the life of a mom (whose little baby bundle of joy of yesterday is no more...sob..she's freakin 2 1/2 soon to be 3!!! OMFG!!) and also throw in on top of being a new "mommy" (I still can't get used to that idea..) I've been on a whirlwind journey of being a (gasp) student again!

I know, excuses, excuses but with homework and all life's other crap, time as a way of well creeping by and before you know it your 2 year course/run is almost up (only roughly 4 months left starting in Sept). pretty freakin scary if you ask me.

When I think back to first starting out I'm amazed by how far I have come and how much I have grown and changed as a person. And I am this close to fullfill my corny dream of becoming a nurse.

Like. Whoa.

I'm not one to dream big, set goals, all that positive outlook crap but I must say i'm pretty proud of myself (yes i'm tooting my own horn a bit).

Pretty freakin cool.

ok enough of that crap.

what else is new in my world you may ask. Well we sadly, had to put one of our German Shepards down back in April (I think, again time is funny and I can't keep shit straight). It was very hard to say goodbye to our Zoey girl and I still miss her. They truly become a part of your life and a member of the family and it leaves such a big empty hole in my heart. and now i'm all teary and crying. ok guess it's time to sign off considering i've been up now for roughly 17 hrs straight. Did I mention I started working a few 12 hr shifts! man are they ever rough!....

ok, over and out

pps. I still love to read my regular reads (WC, MJ, Beth to name a few...love you guys!)

to blog or not to blog

that is the question?

what has happend to the blogging world? is it the same for everyone else as it is for me?

just don't have the time or energy

or is blogging being pushed out by facebook and twitter (which I can say I don't do)

I can say that I do miss blogging and my few friends that I have made on here I do still read, I just don't comment

I can also say that I cannot possibly delete or remove this site as I have so many near and dear memories and some great posts on here that I can't part with. perhaps someday (if I get time) I will transfer them somewhere other than here so I can keep them to look back on

or better yet perhaps I will get the blogging bug again now that i'm on summer break from school?

who knows

I sure as hell don't

I have missed you

life is good, i'm happy, doing well in school, little miss is growing up before my eyes, time moving much to fast

life moves along

and so are the days of our lives

untitled

sometimes,

I sit and think and wonder

I can feel invincible and on top of the world one day

other times

I feel so alone, scared and vulnerable

we are part of such a vast and mighty universe it frightens me sometimes

sometimes,

I could sit and sob and cry

other times

I could laugh out loud and smile all day

sometimes,

I sit and think of you, an unknown you who may be thinking of me too

I wonder if i'm on the right path

have I chosen right?

Is everything pre-planned ahead of time?

sometimes,

my imgination runs wild

and i'm far away from here, having chosen that other path

would things be any different?

sometimes, I miss my old life

I miss blogging

and sleep

would I change it if I could

no

but sometimes, I just wonder and imagine

busy busy flea flea

I haven't forgotten you my dear old blog, i've just been, well, umm busy to say the least. Since I started school back in January (which seems like a lifetime ago), life has become an utter whirlwind. My life consists of school, homework, more school, spending time with my daughter whom I can't help but feel that i'm also neglecting - its that hardcore. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary and it will be worth it in the end but it is exhausting.

I have no clue what i'm running on anymore - i'm that tired

but strangely i'm happy

this is what i'm meant to do, it feels so right

just wish I would've done it years ago when I thought of it and was just to chicken to do it. would have still been hard i'm sure but at least it would've been number one priority where as now that is my daughter. not saying that I wish I hadn't had her (never in a million years would I take that back) but just sayin. ya know?

probably not making much sense, again, i'm sleep deprived people cut me some slack

just thought I would post a quick update for anyone out there that still reads or cares - i am still alive, and doing alright :P

2010 wrap up

well goodbye 2010! really, honestly I don't know where the last few months have gone but one word fits best and that is "blur". not sure what has kept me busy I guess just life. some days are good along with a few bad. but mostly good. I love watching little miss, I love hearing her laugh and seeing her changing and learning every day

Christmas was ok, I think I had hyped it up to much or I dunno you look forward to something for so long and then its never what you expected. but it was nice to spend time with the family and a good turkey dinner

i've been doing a few shifts at work, nice to get back and felt like I had never even left at times but then at other times I was like I was gone for 14 months and there was a lot of people changing shifts and lots of new people/faces so it was sort of weird too. I did well leaving lily and only almost cried once! I think she is loving the time with her daddy and they have really bonded

getting nervous and a little anxious as I start school again next Tuesday (lots of nail biting going one) but I hope it will be a positive and good thing.

so bring it on 2011! i'm ready for you

happy new year y'all

Christmas!

ho ho holy FACK!!

this month is going way to fast for my liking

and why is it you have a couple of "up" days and you just think wow i'm almost feeling pretty good and back to normal (whatever normal is) and then you discover or find something that just sets you into a total tailspin. yeah that just happened and it sucks! now i'm in full blown panic mode and my brain will just not quit spinning.

sigh

nothing changes

in other news, I went back to work and did two shifts last weekend and I survived and actually sort of enjoyed myself. baby girl did well too I still hate leaving her but what can you do....

tree is up and decorated and i'm actually channelling the Christmas spirit this year (well I was) only 2 more weeks!

less than a month before I start school (eek!), i'm terrified and excited and nervous as hell. just hope that I like it and that it will all work out

so much to do before then and I'm dreading buying school supplies (uck)

and that's really all that is new

busy busy busy

tis the season