I'm not dead!

I know morbid as hell! but really i'm not and I have no excuse what-so-ever of neglecting my beloved blog site. once upon a time I would come here daily, and then maybe weekly and then maybe once every few months and then suddenly...gasp...NEVER! I actually completely forgot about this place and it just randomly popped into my head driving the other day (where I do all my thinking/check lists) that hey I wonder how so and so is doing from my blog-o-sphere universe. and I missed it. terribly.

not to say that I will be back fully and whole heartedly as it just isn't the same. my life is 350 degrees different than it was but it is still a piece of me and a part of me. I can't let it go and I don't want to start anew.

so where does that leave me? well alive i guess is a good place to start. Miss Lily Rose is turning 4 (yes, 4!!!!!) in 2 weeks which equals MIND BLOWN. where the eff does time go? like really? I see her baby pic on here and think of the girl in front of me today...sigh it goes much to fast. and before you even think or ask if baby #2 is a possibility or in the works the answer is ....not right now. i'm so on the fence on that topic and hate, HATE when people ask me when the next one is coming. honestly if I knew I would make a t-shirt or bulletin board or something. frig people back the heck off and mind your own P's & Q's. geesh for all you know I maybe can't have any more children and it could be a really akward conversation if I was. maybe next time I will start crying when someone asks me....

and i'm taped out for tonight and lost me thinks and thoughts. hoping I will be back. it feels good to write it all out.

Holy Fucking Time Warp Batman!

ok, ok I realize I now suck at blogging, I get it but i've been a tad busy with this other thing called the life of a mom (whose little baby bundle of joy of yesterday is no more...sob..she's freakin 2 1/2 soon to be 3!!! OMFG!!) and also throw in on top of being a new "mommy" (I still can't get used to that idea..) I've been on a whirlwind journey of being a (gasp) student again!

I know, excuses, excuses but with homework and all life's other crap, time as a way of well creeping by and before you know it your 2 year course/run is almost up (only roughly 4 months left starting in Sept). pretty freakin scary if you ask me.

When I think back to first starting out I'm amazed by how far I have come and how much I have grown and changed as a person. And I am this close to fullfill my corny dream of becoming a nurse.

Like. Whoa.

I'm not one to dream big, set goals, all that positive outlook crap but I must say i'm pretty proud of myself (yes i'm tooting my own horn a bit).

Pretty freakin cool.

ok enough of that crap.

what else is new in my world you may ask. Well we sadly, had to put one of our German Shepards down back in April (I think, again time is funny and I can't keep shit straight). It was very hard to say goodbye to our Zoey girl and I still miss her. They truly become a part of your life and a member of the family and it leaves such a big empty hole in my heart. and now i'm all teary and crying. ok guess it's time to sign off considering i've been up now for roughly 17 hrs straight. Did I mention I started working a few 12 hr shifts! man are they ever rough!....

ok, over and out

pps. I still love to read my regular reads (WC, MJ, Beth to name a few...love you guys!)

to blog or not to blog

that is the question?

what has happend to the blogging world? is it the same for everyone else as it is for me?

just don't have the time or energy

or is blogging being pushed out by facebook and twitter (which I can say I don't do)

I can say that I do miss blogging and my few friends that I have made on here I do still read, I just don't comment

I can also say that I cannot possibly delete or remove this site as I have so many near and dear memories and some great posts on here that I can't part with. perhaps someday (if I get time) I will transfer them somewhere other than here so I can keep them to look back on

or better yet perhaps I will get the blogging bug again now that i'm on summer break from school?

who knows

I sure as hell don't

I have missed you

life is good, i'm happy, doing well in school, little miss is growing up before my eyes, time moving much to fast

life moves along

and so are the days of our lives

untitled

sometimes,

I sit and think and wonder

I can feel invincible and on top of the world one day

other times

I feel so alone, scared and vulnerable

we are part of such a vast and mighty universe it frightens me sometimes

sometimes,

I could sit and sob and cry

other times

I could laugh out loud and smile all day

sometimes,

I sit and think of you, an unknown you who may be thinking of me too

I wonder if i'm on the right path

have I chosen right?

Is everything pre-planned ahead of time?

sometimes,

my imgination runs wild

and i'm far away from here, having chosen that other path

would things be any different?

sometimes, I miss my old life

I miss blogging

and sleep

would I change it if I could

no

but sometimes, I just wonder and imagine

busy busy flea flea

I haven't forgotten you my dear old blog, i've just been, well, umm busy to say the least. Since I started school back in January (which seems like a lifetime ago), life has become an utter whirlwind. My life consists of school, homework, more school, spending time with my daughter whom I can't help but feel that i'm also neglecting - its that hardcore. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary and it will be worth it in the end but it is exhausting.

I have no clue what i'm running on anymore - i'm that tired

but strangely i'm happy

this is what i'm meant to do, it feels so right

just wish I would've done it years ago when I thought of it and was just to chicken to do it. would have still been hard i'm sure but at least it would've been number one priority where as now that is my daughter. not saying that I wish I hadn't had her (never in a million years would I take that back) but just sayin. ya know?

probably not making much sense, again, i'm sleep deprived people cut me some slack

just thought I would post a quick update for anyone out there that still reads or cares - i am still alive, and doing alright :P

2010 wrap up

well goodbye 2010! really, honestly I don't know where the last few months have gone but one word fits best and that is "blur". not sure what has kept me busy I guess just life. some days are good along with a few bad. but mostly good. I love watching little miss, I love hearing her laugh and seeing her changing and learning every day

Christmas was ok, I think I had hyped it up to much or I dunno you look forward to something for so long and then its never what you expected. but it was nice to spend time with the family and a good turkey dinner

i've been doing a few shifts at work, nice to get back and felt like I had never even left at times but then at other times I was like I was gone for 14 months and there was a lot of people changing shifts and lots of new people/faces so it was sort of weird too. I did well leaving lily and only almost cried once! I think she is loving the time with her daddy and they have really bonded

getting nervous and a little anxious as I start school again next Tuesday (lots of nail biting going one) but I hope it will be a positive and good thing.

so bring it on 2011! i'm ready for you

happy new year y'all

Christmas!

ho ho holy FACK!!

this month is going way to fast for my liking

and why is it you have a couple of "up" days and you just think wow i'm almost feeling pretty good and back to normal (whatever normal is) and then you discover or find something that just sets you into a total tailspin. yeah that just happened and it sucks! now i'm in full blown panic mode and my brain will just not quit spinning.

sigh

nothing changes

in other news, I went back to work and did two shifts last weekend and I survived and actually sort of enjoyed myself. baby girl did well too I still hate leaving her but what can you do....

tree is up and decorated and i'm actually channelling the Christmas spirit this year (well I was) only 2 more weeks!

less than a month before I start school (eek!), i'm terrified and excited and nervous as hell. just hope that I like it and that it will all work out

so much to do before then and I'm dreading buying school supplies (uck)

and that's really all that is new

busy busy busy

tis the season

a year ago today...

I was laying in a hospital bed awaiting your arrival. nervous, scared, excited and hopeful. I just wanted to see you and to hold you. and at 3:30 am (roughly) you came out into the world screaming and you were the best thing that I have ever laid my eyes on (all red and covered in goo you were perfect). how awkward that first attempt at breast feeding was, the sleepless nights, worrying if you were to cold, to hot, not breathing..and just coming to terms with it all

I cannot believe it has been a year already

i'm quite weepy about this really

its going too fast, my baby isn't really a "baby" any more. well not a helpless little baby anyways, she'll always be my baby in my heart

Happy 1st Birthday baby girl

guilty pleasures

while I should be more focused on many things (like getting ready for school in January, Christmas shopping, finances, etc, etc) I tend to get distracted by little things and while most of my day is spent entertaining a 11 1/2 month old or watching cartoons a girl does need her me time and these are a few of mine

T.V shows:

#1 Dexter - god I love this show and cannot stop watching and wish it wasn't on only once a week. have even resorted to watching it online now so I can see season 5 which has special guest star Julia Stiles! whom I also like from way back when she was in 10 things I hate about you (love that movie)

#2 Vampire Diaries - two words people Ian Somerhalder!!!! freakin hot and he steals the show

#3 Glee - sometimes this show is a bit too much for me so I tune in and out of the vocals but it usually makes me smile, cry and laugh out loud within one episode

#4 Raising Hope - this show has caught me by surprise and only happend on it by chance (its on right after Glee) and let me tell you it is hilarous!! pee your pants funny

#5 The Walking Dead - happend on this by chance as well, read about it online and had to watch it and now i'm hooked. again watching online. think I may start watching most shows this way as I can watch after little one is to bed and its just more convenient or seems to be

Music

#1 Pink - Raise your glasses - great anthem, party song, makes me happy and catchy as hell

#2 Katy Perry - Firework - wow, two songs in a row from Katy Perry that I love (also heart teenage dream still), great message in this song and very moving

#3 Shawn Desman - A night like this - I was going to youtube the vid to here but changed my mind, great dance sequence, catchy, makes me feel like a young school girl again (haha)

#4 Rhianna - only girl in the world - i've had mixed reviews from other people on this one but I have loved it since the first time I heard it and usually pick lily up and dance around with her too it (she loves it too), catchy as hell and cannot get it out of my head once it is there

#5 Enrique Ingelsis ft Nicole was her name from the PCD - heart beat - love the piano in this one and the music vid is pretty cool until they get into the hallway of mirrors. great song

and that's that

in other news i'm a bit down this dreaded 10th day of November due to it being the anniversary of a good friends death. hate this day. cannot believe its been 9 years. sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago (cuz it was) and other times just like yesterday. I can't help but wonder where she would be today, what she would be doing, would we even still be friends? all the what ifs. guess you can't live like that but sometimes you just can't help but wonder....

I miss her

uck

its November and I can cry if I want too....

ok well i'm not really crying but frig I hate november. so dark, gloomy, rainy and depressing and cold!

boo on you november

and man October was a long month but did it ever just fly by, like blink and it was over....

20 days pps until baby girls birthday! I can't believe it, very surreal to think that 2 years ago she wasn't even a thought in my mind, then a year ago I was not so patiently awaiting her arrival and now she's babbling, teething and standing (with help) and even a few steps!

i'm so going to hate leaving her and changing up my (our) routine but as it is fastly approaching i'm almost sort of glad to be getting back out and about and back to work (very faintly), more on the social level of things I think. actually talking to other people would be nice!

trying to start weaning little one off the boob, some days are better than others and the days where I do cut corner the next day she just wants it a lot. not sure the teething of some new teeth is helping either as its a comfort thing...i'm sad about this as well. who knew that I would enjoy breastfeeding so much? weird. always thought that I would hate it beforehand and its been the best thing for both me and her. sure the first few months were hell but I think I had a bit of PPD going on too on top of the exhaustion and for a bit you feel that's ALL you do but I can't imagine measuring out or preparing formula (I wouldn't even know how to do it, never done it) and i'm glad I don't have to as I suck at math and calculations, measuring and with the lack of sleep my brain isn't at full capacity so in a nutshell I (personally) was much better off. and never had latch problems and lily is a trooper

how did I get talking about boobs and breastfeeding....

honestly

i'm sure you all care about that now don't you!

and i'm rambling, time to call it in
over and out :P

no sleepy for me

i've often joked about having insomnia/lack of sleep but for reals I think I am suffering from it. and you know that you are really tired when even just 30 min of sleep feels like 3 hours of sleep.

all jokes aside though i'm getting very little sleep lately. little one has been going to bed later and later the last few weeks so now I put her down to bed at 11 pm, then that leaves me no time to down low and unwind thus i'm up until past midnight/1 am, and some nights little one is up at 4 am (teething, ugh) thankfully she usually goes back to sleep (most times) until 9 am and I doze but that's not a "deep" sleep. god. I can't even remember the last time I had a deep sleep

its just very frustrating as I want so badly to sleep once she is asleep that I just can't is mind boggling. you would think I would just hit the pillow and be out. well, not that easy

why can't things be easy?

in other news i'm so needing to go on a diet but finding it extremely difficult due to a)Halloween candy (which I so didn't even need to buy as we get no kids way out here in the boonies) and b)my severe tiredness aka laziness. and today i'm so freaking bloated I just feel nasty and FAT

blah

did I mention that a tired me = one cranky biatch, well not all the time it comes in waves and you never know when they will hit. my poor husband never knows what he will come home too....

wide awake and I don't know what to do with myself, quiet house = me having to be as quiet as a mouse. I can't take a bath as that would make noise and I really don't want to lay in bed and listen to my husband snore...so what does one do to make themselves sleepy. clearly its not being on the computer as that seems to make me more awake/alert. tips advice are needed here i'm desperate people

a few pictures of my princess

lily and her best friend "kitty" (I swear she can almost say kitty)

so you had a bad day

well how bout a bad week? geesh what next

first of all baby girl is sick with a bad cold and this is only the 2-3 time shes been sick. not fun. its exhausting enough trying to deal with just the day to day stuff but throw in being sick and you have one cranky, clingy baby who wants her mommy, thus making it impossible to do anything else (ie; housework and making that important phone call that i've been meaning to do since Tuesday). that first night she was up all night - meaning I was up all night. I can't believe how a person can still function after being up for 24 hrs but amazingly it is possible. mind you I wouldn't have me perform surgery or ask me tough questions cuz I was not exactly all there but I managed. still managing actually on only about 6 hrs sleep within the last 48 + hours

so on top of having no sleep and now me getting this stupid ass cold I had to deal with my dogs. now the last few months my relationship with my pets has been getting colder. I just don't have the time to deal with them. yah I love them but I don't love them. you know?? and frankly they drive me insane (perhaps the tiredness makes me even more cranky towards them...probably..) what with all the dog hair all over the place, they want in, they want out, they bark...and yadda yadda yadda I just can't stand them most of the time. anyways so I was trying to deal with fussy lily at like 3 am and they are whining and jumping up every time I moved (not so great when trying to get little one to sleep) and I just got so angry and I knew I shouldn't put them out as HELLO I live in the freakin hicks and yes there are skunks, bears, and everything else outside for them to get into and lo and behold one of them gets freakin sprayed by a skunk not even 5 minutes after being outside.

FACK

and holy stink bomb

god I can't stand that smell, makes me want to vomit even now....

so yah you can say i've had a bad few days, here's to hoping that tomorrow is better

things I am thankful for

seeings how this is our (Canadian) thanksgiving i've been reflecting a lot (probably due to me feeling melancholy) and I'm just so thankful for so many things. ok that came out or is coming across really corny but honestly I am so greatful to be alive, healthy, mostly happy and I have an amazing, beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who loves me for me. can't get any better than that really.

so why am stewing about things that are beyond my control? why do I fret and worry when everything should be perfect? why can't I go to sleep when i'm so exhausted...?

the list goes on

but frankly i'm tired and at a loss for words. I just wish that I could turn my brain off sometimes as I think about things way, WAY too much

and no, nothing major or bad has happend its just me being me, worrying about silly things (mostly leaving lily to go to work, finances, etc), needing to plan a birthday party for little miss also needs to become top priority as it is fastly approaching (eeek!) and i'm rambling and the words are starting to blur together. must stop typing

so what i'm trying to say I guess is

thanks

thanks for making me "me"
thanks for giving me lily and my husband
thanks for giving me kind, caring, wonderful, loving parents who would do anything for me

that is all

emotional baggage

for some reason the last few days i'm extremely emotional (well honestly mostly tonight after watching undercover boss and bawling my eyes out about the story of the mom who lost her 9 year old daughter in a car accident) I mean like I just can't imagine how awful that would be if I was to lose my little miss, I just would die

it could be several things really. the on set of fall usually triggers me into a downward spiral of depression, the days get shorter, you wake up in the dark and its dark after supper time (what can be more depressing than that), the weather gets cooler and then finally bitterly cold, I could go on but frankly that is really starting to depress me and I'm not quite there (yet)

it could also be how much has changed in just the past year. this time last year I was restlessly awaiting the arrival of my baby, bored out of my mind as I was put off work. I would read, watch t.v. surf the net endlessly and sleep (god how I miss those naps) and now she's ten (yes 10) months old almost a year (already!) and I know i've gone on and on before but its just so amazing (i'll leave it at that)

but mostly its probably the knowing in the back of my mind that in the next month I'll have to get back to work and then in January (possibly) back to school. I've become pretty accustomed to being at home which is weird as I never thought that I would be that way. I was always work, work work and thought I would want to jump right back in after having a baby. well, don't ever assume to know anything, if we were well off financially I would never go back. but like most families today, that's just not feasible. sure some days it can really get to you and you really think you are going to lose your shit but you manage and somehow i've adapted and I don't want it to change

but it has too

that's just life

i'm rambling and probably not making any sense but somehow typing it out makes me face it and perhaps maybe come to terms with it

enough of that crap

so we did go on our little adventure to see my sissy in Kingston it was so nice to see her and spend time with her (even though it was exhausting) it was nice to get away but even nicer to come back home. their is honestly no place like home. Lily did very well overall on the plane and only had one minor (teeny tiny) melt down in Toronto coming back home as we were delayed. so I fretted and worried over nothing

and that's a wrap - need to go to bed

a big ole RANT FEST!

ugh! ARGH! sometimes you just have got to let it out and this one has been pent up for days

DAYS!

perhaps it is the lack of sleep (more than likely)

little miss is teething again in a big way (the two upper teeth) and is not sleeping at night too well and is a fussy pants too boot. very tiring, stressful and hard to keep my patience some days which makes me feel like a bad mother at times

or the bloatedness...

have I mentioned that I still have not had a menstrual period yet. yeah. you read it right. no red tide, monthly gift, whatever in well over a year (I don't count the messy after birth crap), turns out (after a Dr appt for me and miss) that the pill i'm on acts the same as the dreaded needle and hence no periods (which I don't believe is healthy or normal), why I never googled and researched it months ago is beyond me (oh, wait I've been busy and pre-occupied and never have time for anything!). so I have to wait another month (as I just started another month of the pill i've been on..) before I can switch to my old pill that I was on prior to pregnancy.

ugh!

and then after that same dr. appt I finally (i've been putting this off for awhile too..) wanted to get a perscription cream for lily's exzema as the over the counter stuff just wasn't clearing it up. and take a guess as to how much that little tube of cream cost?

you may say oh $20

try higher than that

add on another $80 to that $20 and while I'm no math genius that gives you 100.

ONE HUNDRED FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR A SMALL TUBE OF STEROID CREAM

un-freakin believe able and if she hadn't needed it so badly I probably would have thrown it at the cashier's face which I really wanted to do anyways as I had to wait an HOUR (shoppers drug mart you suck ASS) with a fussy/tired baby for the stoopid dumb ass pharmacist to stick a label on. just typing this here makes me so angry all over again

and for weeks I have been fretting worrying about this appt with employment insurance today about seeing if they would help me go back to school and frankly after meeting with him today I don't know anymore than I did before hand and I have to wait another 2-3 weeks before I know that I am approved....

sigh

and I was all happy and giddy thinking that the new season of GLEE was starting tonight and turns out I was wrong as it is NEXT week so now i'm sitting here watching the finale of last season all teary eyed..

on a lighter happier note this is my 500th post! crazy! something that started as a fad six years ago is still going strong (although not as strong) been quite the ride and I don't plan on getting off anytime soon

over and out

i should so be asleep right now

ugh. why is it when you are so beyond tired that you can't sleep.

I was sleepy two hours ago and now not so much

and i'm so needing sleep right now. lily hasn't been sleeping so well at night time the last few weeks so i'm up at night with her and then up also with my insomnia. not fun. I can't seem to turn my brain off, I try to invision closing blinds (suggested by a friend), that didn't work, I try pretending that i'm going down an elevator and level by level i am supposed to get sleepier, that doesn't work. I also tried subtracting 9 from 100 on down and well frankly I suck at math so I don't get to far and just get mad

so yeah sleep would be nice

you know what else would be nice

smaller boobs!

i never, NEVER would have or could have imagined myself saying that but there it is. i'm so sick of these GINORMUS honking boobs, please tell me that they will shrink a little after breastfeeding? they are massive, and heavy and ugh. i want my b cups back

trip is all booked and set to go to go and see my sissy! yay!!!! count down is on, 2 weeks. hope that lily will be alright on the plane (in fact i'm having severe anxiety about this...I get anxiety while flying anyways and then to have a baby involved...eek!) so n'ways it will be nice to see my sis and spend some time together

and yes I did watch the red carpet of the emmy's and i had intentions to post and talk about the gowns but I think little miss was a tad cranky and up all night that night so it got sheleved (sorry!)

and that's all I got, my little bubble of energy has just been evaporated.

think I will go listen to the husband snore and count sheep

or something...

who are you?

I cannot possibly believe that I have been away from the blogging world for so long. I am totally out of the loop.

I also can't believe how summer is practically over. and wow what a great summer it has been! the weather has been amazing and I have been soaking it all up. so lucky to be able to enjoy that and my baby girl (although she is rapidly becoming a non-baby). She has changed soooo much just in the last couple of months, it is astonishing and amazing to see. sometimes I look at her with such wonder (like how could I have partaked in creating her?) and I get all teary eyed and have a moment

times moves way to fast for my liking

what else is new

so I did get accepted into school (yay! but yet scary at the same time) and would start in January of next year taking nursing (licensed practical nurse), it runs for 2 years and i've been hearing rumours that some day they may except this program at the college level and that I could eventually get my BN (bachelor or nursing) should I so choose to do so....

but all of this is sort of up in the air as i'm waiting to find out if un-employment will help pay for me to go back, because if I can't get help then I likely can't afford to go back on my own. so cross your fingers and pray for me!

I guess what will be will be and if it is ment to be then it will be. seeings how I have applied to this program several times before it just sort of seems like it is....but will see.

so that's my big news of the summer

i'm also trying to work out a visit with my sister in ontario as I haven't seen her in months and its a perfect opportunity to do so as I am home/off work right now and I know she is just dying to see little miss so I hope we can work it out

and that's about it I guess. i'm loving my new laptop and just enjoying life to the fullest that I possibly can

time to catch up with you all

quickie

no i have not been sucked into a black hole just been really busy and without my own computer...

thankfully one has been ordered so future posts are well overdue

just know that all is well and will catch up soon