no sleepy for me

i've often joked about having insomnia/lack of sleep but for reals I think I am suffering from it. and you know that you are really tired when even just 30 min of sleep feels like 3 hours of sleep.

all jokes aside though i'm getting very little sleep lately. little one has been going to bed later and later the last few weeks so now I put her down to bed at 11 pm, then that leaves me no time to down low and unwind thus i'm up until past midnight/1 am, and some nights little one is up at 4 am (teething, ugh) thankfully she usually goes back to sleep (most times) until 9 am and I doze but that's not a "deep" sleep. god. I can't even remember the last time I had a deep sleep

its just very frustrating as I want so badly to sleep once she is asleep that I just can't is mind boggling. you would think I would just hit the pillow and be out. well, not that easy

why can't things be easy?

in other news i'm so needing to go on a diet but finding it extremely difficult due to a)Halloween candy (which I so didn't even need to buy as we get no kids way out here in the boonies) and b)my severe tiredness aka laziness. and today i'm so freaking bloated I just feel nasty and FAT

blah

did I mention that a tired me = one cranky biatch, well not all the time it comes in waves and you never know when they will hit. my poor husband never knows what he will come home too....

wide awake and I don't know what to do with myself, quiet house = me having to be as quiet as a mouse. I can't take a bath as that would make noise and I really don't want to lay in bed and listen to my husband snore...so what does one do to make themselves sleepy. clearly its not being on the computer as that seems to make me more awake/alert. tips advice are needed here i'm desperate people

a few pictures of my princess

lily and her best friend "kitty" (I swear she can almost say kitty)

so you had a bad day

well how bout a bad week? geesh what next

first of all baby girl is sick with a bad cold and this is only the 2-3 time shes been sick. not fun. its exhausting enough trying to deal with just the day to day stuff but throw in being sick and you have one cranky, clingy baby who wants her mommy, thus making it impossible to do anything else (ie; housework and making that important phone call that i've been meaning to do since Tuesday). that first night she was up all night - meaning I was up all night. I can't believe how a person can still function after being up for 24 hrs but amazingly it is possible. mind you I wouldn't have me perform surgery or ask me tough questions cuz I was not exactly all there but I managed. still managing actually on only about 6 hrs sleep within the last 48 + hours

so on top of having no sleep and now me getting this stupid ass cold I had to deal with my dogs. now the last few months my relationship with my pets has been getting colder. I just don't have the time to deal with them. yah I love them but I don't love them. you know?? and frankly they drive me insane (perhaps the tiredness makes me even more cranky towards them...probably..) what with all the dog hair all over the place, they want in, they want out, they bark...and yadda yadda yadda I just can't stand them most of the time. anyways so I was trying to deal with fussy lily at like 3 am and they are whining and jumping up every time I moved (not so great when trying to get little one to sleep) and I just got so angry and I knew I shouldn't put them out as HELLO I live in the freakin hicks and yes there are skunks, bears, and everything else outside for them to get into and lo and behold one of them gets freakin sprayed by a skunk not even 5 minutes after being outside.

FACK

and holy stink bomb

god I can't stand that smell, makes me want to vomit even now....

so yah you can say i've had a bad few days, here's to hoping that tomorrow is better

things I am thankful for

seeings how this is our (Canadian) thanksgiving i've been reflecting a lot (probably due to me feeling melancholy) and I'm just so thankful for so many things. ok that came out or is coming across really corny but honestly I am so greatful to be alive, healthy, mostly happy and I have an amazing, beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who loves me for me. can't get any better than that really.

so why am stewing about things that are beyond my control? why do I fret and worry when everything should be perfect? why can't I go to sleep when i'm so exhausted...?

the list goes on

but frankly i'm tired and at a loss for words. I just wish that I could turn my brain off sometimes as I think about things way, WAY too much

and no, nothing major or bad has happend its just me being me, worrying about silly things (mostly leaving lily to go to work, finances, etc), needing to plan a birthday party for little miss also needs to become top priority as it is fastly approaching (eeek!) and i'm rambling and the words are starting to blur together. must stop typing

so what i'm trying to say I guess is

thanks

thanks for making me "me"
thanks for giving me lily and my husband
thanks for giving me kind, caring, wonderful, loving parents who would do anything for me

that is all

emotional baggage

for some reason the last few days i'm extremely emotional (well honestly mostly tonight after watching undercover boss and bawling my eyes out about the story of the mom who lost her 9 year old daughter in a car accident) I mean like I just can't imagine how awful that would be if I was to lose my little miss, I just would die

it could be several things really. the on set of fall usually triggers me into a downward spiral of depression, the days get shorter, you wake up in the dark and its dark after supper time (what can be more depressing than that), the weather gets cooler and then finally bitterly cold, I could go on but frankly that is really starting to depress me and I'm not quite there (yet)

it could also be how much has changed in just the past year. this time last year I was restlessly awaiting the arrival of my baby, bored out of my mind as I was put off work. I would read, watch t.v. surf the net endlessly and sleep (god how I miss those naps) and now she's ten (yes 10) months old almost a year (already!) and I know i've gone on and on before but its just so amazing (i'll leave it at that)

but mostly its probably the knowing in the back of my mind that in the next month I'll have to get back to work and then in January (possibly) back to school. I've become pretty accustomed to being at home which is weird as I never thought that I would be that way. I was always work, work work and thought I would want to jump right back in after having a baby. well, don't ever assume to know anything, if we were well off financially I would never go back. but like most families today, that's just not feasible. sure some days it can really get to you and you really think you are going to lose your shit but you manage and somehow i've adapted and I don't want it to change

but it has too

that's just life

i'm rambling and probably not making any sense but somehow typing it out makes me face it and perhaps maybe come to terms with it

enough of that crap

so we did go on our little adventure to see my sissy in Kingston it was so nice to see her and spend time with her (even though it was exhausting) it was nice to get away but even nicer to come back home. their is honestly no place like home. Lily did very well overall on the plane and only had one minor (teeny tiny) melt down in Toronto coming back home as we were delayed. so I fretted and worried over nothing

and that's a wrap - need to go to bed