another door closes...hopefully another will open

sigh

you know how when you find a perfect job, you apply and you have high hopes that you will get this said job, but you try not to get too excited or worked up about it, brushing it all off as "if it's meant to be" and all that jazz but yet deep down knowing that you will get this job. it's perfect for you. You even have a family friend on the inside that has agreed to "put in a good word" for you.

well today, I received a letter stating that I was not qualified for this said "job" and thus out of the running. case closed.

to say that this was a blow to the gut is an understatement. it's sort of put things in perspective that I have been ignoring for months, and thus sent me into a tail spin.

i'm angry, upset, disappointed in myself

I feel like a failure

and sure, it would have been nice to have a full time job again but I know deep down that I will not be happy in an admin position. sure I could do it and after six months I would just be miserable again. and this stupid job in question was only for 1 year with possibility of renewal (i've been there done that and it didn't work out), so it's probably best in the long run but still...

which leads me back to - well what do I want to do for a living?

I DON'T KNOW!

I've never known

which just makes me even more frustrated

I can't seem to muster an ounce of motivation to do anything. I'm supposed to be studying and learning medical terminology which could possibly land me a job at the hospital. But do you think I have picked the book up at all?

the answer is no, why i'm not sure, i'm just so confused, angry and bitter right now I don't seem to want to do anything and I have been this way for months. I can't seem to snap out of it.

maybe this kick to the stomach will get me going (I doubt it)

but I need to do something, I just wish I could have someone tell me what I need to do, of course that would be to easy.

and on top of all that i'm super emotional lately, I could just cry and cry and that's pretty much all i've done since I read that stupid letter this morning. which is probably my hormones, cuz yes, I finally went off the birth control pill. not that I want to get pregnant right now but I may in 4-6 months, who knows and I've been on the pill for at least 10 years and seeings how heavy my last period was it makes me wonder how natural it is for us to take that in the 1st place. On the pill I did well to bleed maybe 1 or 1 1/2 days, off the pill I went 7 and then some. I was sort of freaked out by how much I bled. So I wanted to get it out of my system, stupid probably and I may just go back on it. I don't know!

i have so many thoughts running through my head right now I can't keep it all straight

just another day in my ho hum life