Thursday, December 31, 2009

a quick look back at 2009

well this is a first for me, typing a post at 4:00 am but when you are wide awake and have an urge to write, well you go with it.

while I love New Year's Eve (there is just so much anticipation/excitement in the air), I hate New Year's Resolutions. in fact i don't think i've ever made one. people never keep to them, so why bother?

however, I do enjoy reflecting and taking a look back at the year, even when frankly you don't remember much as it went by in a pregnant blur, but it's still nice to look back a few years from now and think gee how could I be so (insert whatever word fits here) dumb, naive, vague...

so 2009 for me was a good year (I guess), normally (and I know this will sound stupid) the odd year numbers are not good ones for me but again I don't know if it was because I was distracted or perhaps the jinx has been broken but all in all it's been a pretty good year.

I didn't break any bones, or get deathly sick

I didn't lose a job (at least not this year)

I didn't go bankrupt

or lose my mind

on the other hand

I did manage to pack on 50 pounds of excess fat

but I had an excuse

cuz I spent nine (ahem ten) months out of the 12 of the calendar preggers

man what a long, LONG pregnancy that was

of course finding out almost the instant of conception didn't help either (a tip to anyone else that gets pregnant - don't tell anyone when you are 3/4 weeks pregnant that you are indeed pregnant, because then everyone will keep asking how far along you are and will point out constantly how much further/longer you have, this is truly agonizing and painful and will just save you from becoming the smiling, nodding robot)

so let's see what I can recall from 2009

umm ok here we go..

January - March - snow, snow and umm more snow. we were battered with snow storms last year. I was working quite frequently as I started my temp part time job in February and this was the lucky month that I got knocked up in. what can i say we had winter cabin fever and had nothing better to do! also had a death in the family, well not my family but my 2nd family and he was sort of a neighbor, well he lived down the street....anyways a good man died in March (right around the time that I found out for sure that I was pregnant, about 4 wks along) so that was rough as he died way to young

April - June - still working a lot, had my 1st ultrasound done in April also started our prenatal classes in April as I had the bright idea to do it while the husband was off work, well he only went to a couple classes and then started work in May so I don't know why I didn't just wait until the fall as I totally forgot everything that they taught us or talked about by the time November rolled around...May is a blur I don't really remember anything standing out in this month...June came along and we had the arrival of miz jilly's sweet little bundle of joy at the end of the Month and a nice visit with my auntie Sharol

July - September - Had my 2nd ultrasound done in July and found out that it was A GIRL! July also had to have been the crappiest month ever, it rained practically every day, but when it didn't rain I was at my parents and in there pool (a godsend and my most favorite place to be on a hot day). spent a lot of time here through the summer, in fact I was never more grateful to only work 2 days a week than I was this summer. my sissy was also home for a stint in July, so that was nice. August I got nothing but memories of the pool, bbq's and being ridiculously hot and sweaty. September rolled around rather quickly and I had my 3D ultrasound done and was able to see and bond with lil baby flea. I was also put off of work early on in the month of September due to my SVT

October - December - October was a very long, painful excruciating month for me, time literally stalled and did not pick up until after lil flea was born into this world. I would literally go insane trying to think of things to do to kill time, why I couldn't or didn't sleep is beyond me and believe me I tried to sleep but I just couldn't turn my mind off. nothing really exciting happened, oh wait I did have my baby shower in October that was fun/nice. then the waiting began, it was a long haul until November and even longer until the 24th but she finally arrived and the wait was over. then I hit a brick wall or what I refer to as the black pit. time doesn't exist beyond that point it all just sort of blends together. my hospital stay was hell on earth, rooming with a crazy biatch on crack, finding out the day after my c-section that I almost bleed to death (ok that is a bit dramatic probably but still I hemorrhaged and that's pretty serious..) coming to terms with the fact that I, (me who never ever thought) HAD A FREAKIN BABY!

like really

and it wasn't love at first sight for me, I wish i could say it was but I think it was quite possible that I was in shock from being strapped onto a table at a horrible/awkward angle and my neck was KILLING me being so very, very thirsty and shaking like a leaf (a reaction to the meds??) and wanting to vomit, my 1st thought was wow, she's really big and really red, and then i was back to thinking it want to vomit and get me off this fucking table. god i'm such a selfish bitch aren't I? like who doesn't love there child at first?

and i know i'm totally off the "reflecting back of 2009" topic but I need to vent

so not only are you exhausted, sore as hell from being cut open, bleeding out your va jay jay like a freaking tap but you have to deal with excess "fluid". god my poor feet, I thought they were bad pregnant well they had nothing on what they were like after. on top of all that, you have to deal with a baby, add in breastfeeding if you choose that option (which i am) and you've got a lot on your plate it's no wonder people get the blues and yes, you betcha I had the blues. quite bad really, almost wondered if I had PPD there for a bit. I would just cry, and cry for no reason AT ALL.

i can't explain it

you would think a person would be happy bringing a new baby into the world, but I wasn't, i just felt numb

I sort of still do feel numb

i'm doing better, feeling more like me and getting into a routine (thank god) but i'm having a time coming to terms with it all. I have a difficult time talking to lil flea as I feel awkward/weird. I don't like talking to her in "baby" talk as I feel like a tool, I do read to her and sing/hum but I just feel like all I am to her is food...does that make sense? and I worry about the stupidest things, like her not breathing or making weird nosies, and why is her poop green?


its just exhausting

in fact i'm tired so over and out for now


Swishy said...

OK, I haven't had a baby myself but lots and LOTS of my friends have and I think that is all TOTALLY NORMAL. Seriously. I mean, think about it, your whole life changed, of course it takes time. And ... OK, this might be a bad analogy, but when you go out with a guy, you don't fall in love with him right away, you have to get to know him first, so why should a baby be any different? Maybe that is a bad analogy but I think it is normal to have to get to know the baby a little before you start feeling all of those strong emotions.

And then the hormones ... just PMS is a nightmare, I cry over nothing! Let alone after you have a baby. And I think it is really common, especially for breastfeeding moms, to feel like your actual body doesn't even belong to you anymore.

Anyway. I think you are doing great and if you are still a little numb, it is OK, it is just such a huge change. She is beautiful, though, and I know in a few months it'll be easier ... hang in there, Miss Flea!

mabel said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


flea said...

swishy - THANK YOU for that, I totally get what you are saying and I know all of that deep down but it's still hard actually going through it all..and it IS getting better, every day and I am falling in love with her a bit every day (I personally love and get your analogy), and I haven't cried over nothing for a few weeks, so hopefully i'm over that hurdle too..thanks for cheering me up :)

mabel/lucy - thanks for reading, and for leaving your 1st comment! and welcome :)

i'll drop by your blog in the near future

Wandering Coyote said...

Hey Flea!

I agree with Swishy - these things take time! This is an enormous transition and there is so much to get used to and so much that is strange for you right now. It's completely natural to be overwhelmed and sad and confused. You know you love your baby and you know you are doing your very best to be the awesome mom I know you are capable of being! But please, make sure you reach out for help if you are feeling so weepy all the time!

Chin up, my friend!

Jenni said...

I think I would feel the exact same way you do. When the little one gets a little older is when the fun starts...All the "firsts" are right around the corner.

Happy New Year!

Bina said...

Honestly, I think most women feel the way you do. Of course, when I had my first baby my swelling went down and I could see my feet, ankles and knees again. I've never actually heard of someone swelling more AFTER the baby

And OH MY GOD. If my baby didn't cry after a few hours I was in there hoovering over him "just to make sure" he was breathing, and if he coughed or something I was in there "making sure" he was okay.

And right now, you are food AND comfort to her, and there will be one day when she looks at you and smiles, and closes her eyes to sleep while she is in your arms, and then you'll know. You will KNOW that she loves you.