Monday, March 08, 2010

mid life crisis?

so i've been in sort of a funk, or more like anxiety ridden, depressed, out of sorts and I can't really figure out why

ok, no that isn't true I can pinpoint what it is

I had a baby

and while I love her more than my life it's totally spun me in new directions. I mean I knew it would change my life but yet I don't think I really grasped it until it happened.

everything and I mean everything is different

I'm late for everything now, I never in my life was ever late for anything. no matter how organized I try to be (mind you it is getting better/easier with practice) i'm at least 10-15 minutes late

I can't just pick up and leave anymore I have to have a game plan

when I hear bad news about other small children either being sick, injured, hurt or killed I cry (example the children in Haiti) and am heartbroken and sick to my stomach at the thought of anything happening to her

I am not number one anymore, hunger, the need to pee, shower, whatever can wait until she is happy and or asleep

i'm just having a time of it all and can't quite comprehend that i'm a mother

add in on top of that i'm going to be the big 3 0 this year and you can say mid life crisis - hello!


and I also didn't get into 1 of the programs for school in the fall (still waiting on the other but i'm thinking it doesn't look good either).

so i'm bummed out

and I have no clue what my plan is for the fall

as of right now I don't want to work at all, I would be happy/content to just stay home with her but financially we can't do that

i'm freaking out here


CanuckFan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wandering Coyote said...

OK...30 is hardly "mid-life" for one thing!

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, Flea. I can only imagine that this is part of the normal roller coaster of new motherhood. I suspect this is part of the transition for you...You are still so new at this, Flea!

(Sorry...that 1st comment was mine...Different user name...)

flea said...

wc - i know 30 isn't hardly old at all, but yet it feels old at least to me, esp. since I still feel mentally like i'm 24...I just don't know where life is going, it's all happening way to fast...

and I don't want to sound like I hate motherhood at all, because I don't hate it i'm just coming to terms with it all

MJ said...

Oh, sweetie,

I'm so where you're at. I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't, really. I'm still late to everything (when you throw a husband into the mix it's even WORSE), I now shower every other day if I'm lucky, and I hate the fact that I have to work..

29 was my worst birthday. I had just gotten married, just gotten pregnant, just had a baby, and moved 3 times in my 28th year, and the thought that I was entering my last year as a twenty-something just about killed me. 30 wasn't so bad.

Maybe throw a party for yourself? I think it worked for me.

Oh, and when I was pregnant with my first, I naively thought I would be back to my workaholic self when he was born, that the only thing holding me back was being pregnant. Yeah, like I could willingly just leave my baby and work 60+ hours a week. Now I work the bare minimum that I can get away with.