Monday, March 08, 2010

mid life crisis?

so i've been in sort of a funk, or more like anxiety ridden, depressed, out of sorts and I can't really figure out why

ok, no that isn't true I can pinpoint what it is

I had a baby

and while I love her more than my life it's totally spun me in new directions. I mean I knew it would change my life but yet I don't think I really grasped it until it happened.

everything and I mean everything is different

I'm late for everything now, I never in my life was ever late for anything. no matter how organized I try to be (mind you it is getting better/easier with practice) i'm at least 10-15 minutes late

I can't just pick up and leave anymore I have to have a game plan

when I hear bad news about other small children either being sick, injured, hurt or killed I cry (example the children in Haiti) and am heartbroken and sick to my stomach at the thought of anything happening to her

I am not number one anymore, hunger, the need to pee, shower, whatever can wait until she is happy and or asleep

i'm just having a time of it all and can't quite comprehend that i'm a mother

add in on top of that i'm going to be the big 3 0 this year and you can say mid life crisis - hello!

oh

and I also didn't get into 1 of the programs for school in the fall (still waiting on the other but i'm thinking it doesn't look good either).

so i'm bummed out

and I have no clue what my plan is for the fall

as of right now I don't want to work at all, I would be happy/content to just stay home with her but financially we can't do that

i'm freaking out here

4 comments:

CanuckFan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wandering Coyote said...

OK...30 is hardly "mid-life" for one thing!

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, Flea. I can only imagine that this is part of the normal roller coaster of new motherhood. I suspect this is part of the transition for you...You are still so new at this, Flea!

(Sorry...that 1st comment was mine...Different user name...)

flea said...

wc - i know 30 isn't hardly old at all, but yet it feels old at least to me, esp. since I still feel mentally like i'm 24...I just don't know where life is going, it's all happening way to fast...

and I don't want to sound like I hate motherhood at all, because I don't hate it i'm just coming to terms with it all

MJ said...

Oh, sweetie,

I'm so where you're at. I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't, really. I'm still late to everything (when you throw a husband into the mix it's even WORSE), I now shower every other day if I'm lucky, and I hate the fact that I have to work..

29 was my worst birthday. I had just gotten married, just gotten pregnant, just had a baby, and moved 3 times in my 28th year, and the thought that I was entering my last year as a twenty-something just about killed me. 30 wasn't so bad.

Maybe throw a party for yourself? I think it worked for me.

Oh, and when I was pregnant with my first, I naively thought I would be back to my workaholic self when he was born, that the only thing holding me back was being pregnant. Yeah, like I could willingly just leave my baby and work 60+ hours a week. Now I work the bare minimum that I can get away with.