when i grow up

my first recollection of ever even thinking about what i wanted to be when i grew up was probably in elementary school, and i wanted nothing more than to be a nurse (RN) just like my mom

well, that didn't last long

by junior high i was destined to be an author, or at least that was my dream. i was hooked on Christopher Pike's young adult books and, Stephen King wasn't far behind. i was sold, this is what i wanted to do

i also went thru a phase where i wanted to be Angela Bowers from "who's the Boss" anyone remember this show? she was an advertising executive or someting and i thought that was just the coolest thing ever getting to wear business suits, go to big fancy meetings, travel, ah yes this was my ticket to success

and then high school hit

i sort of hit a brick wall and i still haven't awakened from my coma as i still have no clue as to what i want or desire to be when i grow up.

and what's even scarier is that i am now considered, GASP! a grown up

i've always envied those people that knew from early on as to what they wanted to be, they knew what college to go to, what sort of job they would be doing, they had it made. and well there i sat in my high school class siging up for my college "prep" classes and not having the sweetest clue, and 7 years later i still don't

there are times when i wish i would've stuck with the writing, i loved to write at one time, i almost feel that if i would've been in a larger, city/school i may have pursued this but coming from a very small community and an even smaller school i wasn't able to expand my horizons, or perhaps i just liked the "idea" of it all, actually writing a book or coming up with an original story now a days is, well, all most impossible. i've contemplated becomming a journalist, but seeing how everyone is so obsessed (including me) with celebrities, i think that's a no go as i feel they have a right to their own privacay and there are some things that not everyone needs to know

i even went back to my early roots and really considered nursing again, but lacking the drive, motovation and "math" skills, i quickly backed out of that option

watching CSI every week also intrigues me, how i would love to be able to assess a crime scene and get the bad guy. they mystery of it all, very much appeals to me. or even being a police dectective solving crimes, putting the bad guy behind bars would be really cool and up my alley, but again, me being from a small community, this is sort of a no go. mind you i shouldn't be restricting myself as to where i live, i think i'm just making excuses as i have no drive or ambition to do anything

mind u nothing is as it is on t.v. or in the movies but one can dream

my current job is just "ok" and i have it pretty good by any means, my supervisor, boss and everyone here is great but 10 years ago this is the last place or thing i would have envisioned myself doing. which is sort of sad. where did i go wrong? or better yet why am i settling for this mediocre crap? some days i'm happy and other days, well , not so much. i just feel like my life is pointless and that it's going no where fast, and i don't really know what to do to change it. i. just. don't. know. and some days this really gets me down as i don't feel that i'm living my life to it's fullest, to what purpose do i serve?

sigh

to many fucking questions that are un-answered that i'm sure someone up above (man i hope so) is testing me for, i'll leave it at that

pease out :P