Monday, October 23, 2006

when i grow up

my first recollection of ever even thinking about what i wanted to be when i grew up was probably in elementary school, and i wanted nothing more than to be a nurse (RN) just like my mom

well, that didn't last long

by junior high i was destined to be an author, or at least that was my dream. i was hooked on Christopher Pike's young adult books and, Stephen King wasn't far behind. i was sold, this is what i wanted to do

i also went thru a phase where i wanted to be Angela Bowers from "who's the Boss" anyone remember this show? she was an advertising executive or someting and i thought that was just the coolest thing ever getting to wear business suits, go to big fancy meetings, travel, ah yes this was my ticket to success

and then high school hit

i sort of hit a brick wall and i still haven't awakened from my coma as i still have no clue as to what i want or desire to be when i grow up.

and what's even scarier is that i am now considered, GASP! a grown up

i've always envied those people that knew from early on as to what they wanted to be, they knew what college to go to, what sort of job they would be doing, they had it made. and well there i sat in my high school class siging up for my college "prep" classes and not having the sweetest clue, and 7 years later i still don't

there are times when i wish i would've stuck with the writing, i loved to write at one time, i almost feel that if i would've been in a larger, city/school i may have pursued this but coming from a very small community and an even smaller school i wasn't able to expand my horizons, or perhaps i just liked the "idea" of it all, actually writing a book or coming up with an original story now a days is, well, all most impossible. i've contemplated becomming a journalist, but seeing how everyone is so obsessed (including me) with celebrities, i think that's a no go as i feel they have a right to their own privacay and there are some things that not everyone needs to know

i even went back to my early roots and really considered nursing again, but lacking the drive, motovation and "math" skills, i quickly backed out of that option

watching CSI every week also intrigues me, how i would love to be able to assess a crime scene and get the bad guy. they mystery of it all, very much appeals to me. or even being a police dectective solving crimes, putting the bad guy behind bars would be really cool and up my alley, but again, me being from a small community, this is sort of a no go. mind you i shouldn't be restricting myself as to where i live, i think i'm just making excuses as i have no drive or ambition to do anything

mind u nothing is as it is on t.v. or in the movies but one can dream

my current job is just "ok" and i have it pretty good by any means, my supervisor, boss and everyone here is great but 10 years ago this is the last place or thing i would have envisioned myself doing. which is sort of sad. where did i go wrong? or better yet why am i settling for this mediocre crap? some days i'm happy and other days, well , not so much. i just feel like my life is pointless and that it's going no where fast, and i don't really know what to do to change it. i. just. don't. know. and some days this really gets me down as i don't feel that i'm living my life to it's fullest, to what purpose do i serve?

sigh

to many fucking questions that are un-answered that i'm sure someone up above (man i hope so) is testing me for, i'll leave it at that

pease out :P

17 comments:

mcBlogger said...

You are soo not alone in your thinking. At the ripe age of 32, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be totally grown up. chin up dear!

Brony said...

I'm still trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up, and I'm 29. Mother of two.

Know that you are not alone. In life, we can be many things.

Miss 1999 said...

You know, it's so crazy how much we're alike! I LOVE to write- as a matter of fact, you can see some of my writing on my blog- go to the link under "Live in a Fantasy" titled Chloe' Gardner, she's my character that went hand in hand with Bobby Goren from Law and Order: CI, anyway, I'm still trying to grow up, and don't know what the hell I want to be, just don't give up! :0)

flea said...

mcb - he he, me either!

brony - true words of wisdom my dear, thanks for sharing!

miss1999 - i'll be sure to check that link out! i hope i don't give up, i'm so very close though and it's hard not too....i'm just so glad i'm not the only one that feels this way

luckysevn said...

I LOVED Christopher Pike!!! I can't believe you even brought that up... I was so addicted to those books... R.L. Stine before that...

Cool.

Nancy Drew said...

ummm I'm 54 and not grown up.

and am hearing the Beach Boys singing "When I Grow Up To Be A Man" while reading this excellent post....loved it Flea!!And did like Angela Bower!!

Now like A. Milano in Charmed tho

Blazer1234 said...

Right there with you! I think the biggest thing is that there are so many options out there, and life is too short to stick with just one thing, right? That's my excuse anyway.

flea said...

luckysevn - SHUT up!! i was going to marry him at one point, i swear! and you know the wurst is that i have been seriouisly considering selling my collection on ebay but i just can't bring myself to actually do it.....i also read R.L. Stine too but he just wasn't as up there as mr. pike...i wonder if he's still writing books today.....hmmm

oh just curious as to which was your favorite book of his

nd - you are always way to kind, but i luv it! and am basking in your glory......hee!!!! who says we ever have to grow up anyways , i say to hell with that theory

blazer1234 - i agree there are way, way to many options available and i've heard or read somewhere that people today (ahem mid 20 - 30 somethings) will change careers like 4-5 times throughout there lives! scary!!!

Molicious said...

Angela was in marketing? I always thought she was a lawyer. Weird.

luckysevn said...

Ha!!! You crack me up!!! I think Remember Me was my favorite...

He has a book called "Falling" coming out in March of '07 (I just Googled him!)... I'm SO going to have to check that out!!!

Nancy Drew said...

Flea--wow I got glory??? Holy cow I thought that was hot flashes tee hee hee!!! Thanks sweetie!!!

flea said...

molicious - yup, trust me i'm a total t.v. junkie and these sort of things stick in my brain

lucky - remember me was one of my fav's too (i had all 3 at one time but #1 has gone missing...), i also enjoyed the last vampire series and immortal was another fav......actually they all were! i too was going to google him but haven't had the chance so thanks for the update and will have to so check out that book.....have you ever read the Season's passage (i think that's what it's called) his "adult novel" it's a really, really good book and if you haven't read it do so!

nd - lmao, man you crack me up

Jenni said...

You can do whatever you want to do. I know it sounds so "Cheezy" but it's true!

Dawn said...

I think you would be surprised at how many adults don't know what they want to be when they grow up. I think it helps if you get out of your head and into the experince of life. Perhaps we spend too much time thinking about things we don't have answers to, rather than getting off our butts and taking a few steps at a time. I don't claim to have the answers, but I do believe that everything is sweetened by risk.
oxox

Sadie Lou said...

I wanted to be an actress when I grew up. Good thing I'm much wiser now and you couldn't pay me enough money to trade my life for Katie Holmes's life.
I can't believe she's going all the way with that sham of a relationship.

Barry said...

OK - I KNOW I already commented here...or did I? Anyways - you pretty much can be what you want - it is a little late to start on that gymnast thing though.

Miss 1999 said...

Where ya been girl? I miss ya! :0(