things I am thankful for

seeings how this is our (Canadian) thanksgiving i've been reflecting a lot (probably due to me feeling melancholy) and I'm just so thankful for so many things. ok that came out or is coming across really corny but honestly I am so greatful to be alive, healthy, mostly happy and I have an amazing, beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who loves me for me. can't get any better than that really.

so why am stewing about things that are beyond my control? why do I fret and worry when everything should be perfect? why can't I go to sleep when i'm so exhausted...?

the list goes on

but frankly i'm tired and at a loss for words. I just wish that I could turn my brain off sometimes as I think about things way, WAY too much

and no, nothing major or bad has happend its just me being me, worrying about silly things (mostly leaving lily to go to work, finances, etc), needing to plan a birthday party for little miss also needs to become top priority as it is fastly approaching (eeek!) and i'm rambling and the words are starting to blur together. must stop typing

so what i'm trying to say I guess is

thanks

thanks for making me "me"
thanks for giving me lily and my husband
thanks for giving me kind, caring, wonderful, loving parents who would do anything for me

that is all

emotional baggage

for some reason the last few days i'm extremely emotional (well honestly mostly tonight after watching undercover boss and bawling my eyes out about the story of the mom who lost her 9 year old daughter in a car accident) I mean like I just can't imagine how awful that would be if I was to lose my little miss, I just would die

it could be several things really. the on set of fall usually triggers me into a downward spiral of depression, the days get shorter, you wake up in the dark and its dark after supper time (what can be more depressing than that), the weather gets cooler and then finally bitterly cold, I could go on but frankly that is really starting to depress me and I'm not quite there (yet)

it could also be how much has changed in just the past year. this time last year I was restlessly awaiting the arrival of my baby, bored out of my mind as I was put off work. I would read, watch t.v. surf the net endlessly and sleep (god how I miss those naps) and now she's ten (yes 10) months old almost a year (already!) and I know i've gone on and on before but its just so amazing (i'll leave it at that)

but mostly its probably the knowing in the back of my mind that in the next month I'll have to get back to work and then in January (possibly) back to school. I've become pretty accustomed to being at home which is weird as I never thought that I would be that way. I was always work, work work and thought I would want to jump right back in after having a baby. well, don't ever assume to know anything, if we were well off financially I would never go back. but like most families today, that's just not feasible. sure some days it can really get to you and you really think you are going to lose your shit but you manage and somehow i've adapted and I don't want it to change

but it has too

that's just life

i'm rambling and probably not making any sense but somehow typing it out makes me face it and perhaps maybe come to terms with it

enough of that crap

so we did go on our little adventure to see my sissy in Kingston it was so nice to see her and spend time with her (even though it was exhausting) it was nice to get away but even nicer to come back home. their is honestly no place like home. Lily did very well overall on the plane and only had one minor (teeny tiny) melt down in Toronto coming back home as we were delayed. so I fretted and worried over nothing

and that's a wrap - need to go to bed

a big ole RANT FEST!

ugh! ARGH! sometimes you just have got to let it out and this one has been pent up for days

DAYS!

perhaps it is the lack of sleep (more than likely)

little miss is teething again in a big way (the two upper teeth) and is not sleeping at night too well and is a fussy pants too boot. very tiring, stressful and hard to keep my patience some days which makes me feel like a bad mother at times

or the bloatedness...

have I mentioned that I still have not had a menstrual period yet. yeah. you read it right. no red tide, monthly gift, whatever in well over a year (I don't count the messy after birth crap), turns out (after a Dr appt for me and miss) that the pill i'm on acts the same as the dreaded needle and hence no periods (which I don't believe is healthy or normal), why I never googled and researched it months ago is beyond me (oh, wait I've been busy and pre-occupied and never have time for anything!). so I have to wait another month (as I just started another month of the pill i've been on..) before I can switch to my old pill that I was on prior to pregnancy.

ugh!

and then after that same dr. appt I finally (i've been putting this off for awhile too..) wanted to get a perscription cream for lily's exzema as the over the counter stuff just wasn't clearing it up. and take a guess as to how much that little tube of cream cost?

you may say oh $20

try higher than that

add on another $80 to that $20 and while I'm no math genius that gives you 100.

ONE HUNDRED FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR A SMALL TUBE OF STEROID CREAM

un-freakin believe able and if she hadn't needed it so badly I probably would have thrown it at the cashier's face which I really wanted to do anyways as I had to wait an HOUR (shoppers drug mart you suck ASS) with a fussy/tired baby for the stoopid dumb ass pharmacist to stick a label on. just typing this here makes me so angry all over again

and for weeks I have been fretting worrying about this appt with employment insurance today about seeing if they would help me go back to school and frankly after meeting with him today I don't know anymore than I did before hand and I have to wait another 2-3 weeks before I know that I am approved....

sigh

and I was all happy and giddy thinking that the new season of GLEE was starting tonight and turns out I was wrong as it is NEXT week so now i'm sitting here watching the finale of last season all teary eyed..

on a lighter happier note this is my 500th post! crazy! something that started as a fad six years ago is still going strong (although not as strong) been quite the ride and I don't plan on getting off anytime soon

over and out

i should so be asleep right now

ugh. why is it when you are so beyond tired that you can't sleep.

I was sleepy two hours ago and now not so much

and i'm so needing sleep right now. lily hasn't been sleeping so well at night time the last few weeks so i'm up at night with her and then up also with my insomnia. not fun. I can't seem to turn my brain off, I try to invision closing blinds (suggested by a friend), that didn't work, I try pretending that i'm going down an elevator and level by level i am supposed to get sleepier, that doesn't work. I also tried subtracting 9 from 100 on down and well frankly I suck at math so I don't get to far and just get mad

so yeah sleep would be nice

you know what else would be nice

smaller boobs!

i never, NEVER would have or could have imagined myself saying that but there it is. i'm so sick of these GINORMUS honking boobs, please tell me that they will shrink a little after breastfeeding? they are massive, and heavy and ugh. i want my b cups back

trip is all booked and set to go to go and see my sissy! yay!!!! count down is on, 2 weeks. hope that lily will be alright on the plane (in fact i'm having severe anxiety about this...I get anxiety while flying anyways and then to have a baby involved...eek!) so n'ways it will be nice to see my sis and spend some time together

and yes I did watch the red carpet of the emmy's and i had intentions to post and talk about the gowns but I think little miss was a tad cranky and up all night that night so it got sheleved (sorry!)

and that's all I got, my little bubble of energy has just been evaporated.

think I will go listen to the husband snore and count sheep

or something...

who are you?

I cannot possibly believe that I have been away from the blogging world for so long. I am totally out of the loop.

I also can't believe how summer is practically over. and wow what a great summer it has been! the weather has been amazing and I have been soaking it all up. so lucky to be able to enjoy that and my baby girl (although she is rapidly becoming a non-baby). She has changed soooo much just in the last couple of months, it is astonishing and amazing to see. sometimes I look at her with such wonder (like how could I have partaked in creating her?) and I get all teary eyed and have a moment

times moves way to fast for my liking

what else is new

so I did get accepted into school (yay! but yet scary at the same time) and would start in January of next year taking nursing (licensed practical nurse), it runs for 2 years and i've been hearing rumours that some day they may except this program at the college level and that I could eventually get my BN (bachelor or nursing) should I so choose to do so....

but all of this is sort of up in the air as i'm waiting to find out if un-employment will help pay for me to go back, because if I can't get help then I likely can't afford to go back on my own. so cross your fingers and pray for me!

I guess what will be will be and if it is ment to be then it will be. seeings how I have applied to this program several times before it just sort of seems like it is....but will see.

so that's my big news of the summer

i'm also trying to work out a visit with my sister in ontario as I haven't seen her in months and its a perfect opportunity to do so as I am home/off work right now and I know she is just dying to see little miss so I hope we can work it out

and that's about it I guess. i'm loving my new laptop and just enjoying life to the fullest that I possibly can

time to catch up with you all

quickie

no i have not been sucked into a black hole just been really busy and without my own computer...

thankfully one has been ordered so future posts are well overdue

just know that all is well and will catch up soon

tick tock tick tock

ugh! in less than one month and in 25 days I will turn 30

3 0

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

i initially didn't care (denial) about this birthday, but as it is ever vastly approaching I am starting to hyperventilate just a teency tiny bit

I mean as a kid I used to think 30 was old

house, married, kid, dogs, check. all I can say is thank god I don't have a mini van because that would complete my mental image of a 30 year old back when I was in my early 20's. and while I have most of those things I don't feel any older (ok, who am I kidding some days I feel it). and it leaves me wondering what the hell have I done or accomplished in the last 10 years? career wise, I have gone absolutely no where, I am still with the same man so that is something...and I have a beautiful daughter so life is good. but holy hell times flies! i'm going to blink and I'll be 40!! eek.

can I become peter pan? I just want to stay in this now

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

in other news:

I need to go on a serious diet but to lazy to even try it (haha that rhymes)

BIG BROTHER!

Lily is doing so well and i'm savoring and enjoying every day with her and dreading the thought of even looking for work/going back to work. but i'm trying to not think about it or dwell on it and just enjoy the summer, which is turning out weather wise to be fab! and super hot, even fabber! she's still not crawling yet (i'm actually sort of dreading her moving, I like her staying in one spot) but it won't be long, i'll probably shed a tear when she does get a moving

I just can't believe it is July already, and the month is half gone! summer is way to short

hello sunshine my old friend

well now you know that I'm not dead at least. geesh.

I have been a bad, bad, very bad blogger

or just to busy and caught up into other stuff I guess. but I have missed you, somehow I don't think you have missed me quite so much....

so what the hell have I been doing you may be asking (or not), living each day to the fullest and savoring every moment (blah blah blah). ok I have my good days and then the occasionally bad one too. baby girl is getting so BIG! it just makes me want to cry as she is growing up so fast. she now has TWO teeth (teething = stressful mommy) and the hair, is well still not so much there but it is growing (just very slowly..)

I still have 20 pounds to lose...nothing new there (can you say lazy!)

it is officially SUMMER!!!!! ah bring on the sun, bbq's, pool time, god life doesn't get any sweeter

we celebrate Alexander's 1st birthday tomorrow (27th), that is just so crazy and mindblowing to believe, I remember waiting up all night just waiting to hear the call that he was born safe and sound...miss lily was still just a small peanut in my belly.....just unbelieveable. so happy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY little manny!!!

word up

another month gone by and I honestly don't know where time is going or what I do in a run of a day but I blink and they go by.

this month Lily has seemed to just grow right before my eyes, one day she was little and now she's eating baby food, rice cereal and showing her first tooth. her poops have changed along with everything else and let me tell you oh how I miss the breast milk poops! sure they were a bit more messy but at least they didn't smell...ugh these new ones smell unlike anything I have ever smelled before!

what else has happened? well we purchased a new truck (new to us, it is a 2005) at the start of the month so that was sort of exciting. been walking a lot as the weather is still very nice & warm for this time of year. and that's about it really for may.

I leave you with a couple of my recent fav pics

laughing at mommy cuz she is funny!

6 months old!

see, I can sit up! well almost...

weird

it's weird how when I do get a moment (usually when little one is asleep) I don't know quite what to do with myself. it is just go, go and go all day long. and according to one friend it just gets worse the bigger and busier they get. so i'm trying to enjoy the moment of her not crawling although i'm sure I will just blink and off she'll go

I also take back all the harsh words and criticism I used to give to stay at home mothers, this by far is the hardest thing I have ever done. at the end of the day you sit and try to think where the hell the day went? you're exhausted, hair not combed (yet again), no makeup, same clothes pretty much as the day before (clean underwear, check), and somehow you manage to shrug it off, smile crawl in bed and get up and do it all again

day

after day

after day

I don't know what the hell I did before. god when I think back, I think wow you were really, really lazy. but at the same time, oh what I would give just to lay in bed all day and curl up with a good book. those were the days

and may i just bring up for a moment, becuase i'm sure it will leave me just as fast if I don't but holy hell my breasts are HUGE. none of my previous shirts from before will ever fit me again, I swear. who would've ever thought my small little "B" cups would become such mammoths. and not only are they mammoths but they are starting to droop and sag. ugh. so grose. I miss my "B" cup.

i'm sure they weigh in at about 5 pounds

another 10 pounds sits around my middle, in the deflated tire that i'm sure I will have for the rest of my life. and yah I could probably lose it if I did sit ups or crunches but i'm too tired and can't seem to fit it in anywhere. I have been walking a lot though, not much good that does to lose the poundage but it is good to get out in the fresh air, the weather here has been pretty good the last few weeks

i'm excited and sad about the LOST finale on Sunday. i'm sure I will bawl my eyes out

missing survivor already too

baby girl will be 6 months old on Monday! 6 months, that's half a year gone already. jeebus. now that makes me want to cry.

what day is it today? like seriousily

holy shitballs, I feel like I haven't been here in a long, long time

I can't believe we are half way through May already. May people! jebus I still feel like it is February or March at least as our nice warm weather has gone right out the window. it is FREEZING, well, at least today it is. I can't seem to get warm...

i'm off topic

what's new people? I so need to catch up with you all

there is a lot going on

were on the countdown for the final episode of LOST, Survivor, Supernatural and my guilty pleasure The Vampire Diaries. i'm so giddy and excited for them all but yet sad at the same time as we all know summertime t.v. blows. god I watch way to much t.v.

but hey at least I admit it!

loved Betty White on SNL ~ awesomeness

rumors are swirling that another crackbook group has formed to get her on Glee, now that would be hilarious!

in other news baby girl is growing and changing every stinking day, it is just so amazing to see, I know I have talked about it before, but it is just, wow. speechless.

i'm still dwelling/stewing about what I am going to do job wise in the fall (the dreaded fall...), and I keep trying to tell myself to not sweat it or to worry, but I can't help having that little nugget of info in the back of my brain, and it's driving me insane

I also think I have insomnia

I'm dead tired as baby girl is usually up at 5:30/6 am every day and I go, and go all day until her bedtime at 8/8:30 p.m. but do you think I can go to sleep when it comes my bedtime. hell no. probably cuz I can't turn my brain off, it just will not stop. little bits of things to do just keep popping up out of no where

i'm serious about the insane thing too by the way

ok, ok i'm not insane

just a typical overtired, mommy

and that's all I got - over and out

quick ramblings

another month gone by, crazy. except this month seemed really long for some reason.

anyways, we had our first easter celebration with baby girl. she's also growing like a weed, she is now 13 pounds, 26 inches long. and she is finally starting to get some hair, although you still can't really see it as it is really, really blond. we have started her on rice cereal and she doesn't quite know what to make of that, but is gradually starting to taste it more and more each time we do it. she is growing up right before my eyes and it is so amazing to see and be a part of...

what else has happend this month, well not a whole hell of a lot.

I had a much needed hair appointment but yet I still hate my hair. I think the pregnancy changed my hair or something, it isn't quite the same

I had a potential job prospect which terrified me, but I went for the testing and I think I bombed it but whatev I am so not ready to go back to work yet anyways

the weather has continued to be above normal here, and everything is turning green and coming out early. the trees are even starting to bud, and I have flowers in my flower bed that usually don't bloom until June but they are out!

on to t.v. land stuff

omg I am so glad that GLEE is back on, oh how I love that show

survivor was freakin AWSOME last week and can't wait for tonights episode

newest guilty pleasure is abc's shows modern family & cougar town. seriousily funny. like laugh out loud funny

and I know I had more on my brain at one point to talk about but now it's gone

and I would like to shout out a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my hubby on May 1st

over and out

happy Earth day!

well, ok it's almost over (2 hrs left and counting..) but better late than never

I've never really been a big recycle freak, but I try to do my part. we don't leave lights on, un-plug stuff that we don't use, try not to waste water, yadda yadda. the simple stuff you know. but today Oprah's show really hit me, like I had my ah-HA moment. perhaps it didn't help that I recently watched the movie 2012 and I'm now certain that the end is near, or better yet it's the "mommy" syndrome setting in and i'm thinking of her future. and the rate we are going I don't think its looking good.

depressing as hell but so true

that ginormous pile of garbage in the pacific ocean is beyond horrible and it's all OUR fault

and the slaughtering of dolphins, shocking, horrifying beyond words (I cried)

how did we get this way?
why do we waste so much?

don't know

don't think will ever know but we need to stop

so i'm going to try just a little bit harder to go "green". I want to start a compost, in fact we are even going to plant our first garden this year. I want to start using chemical free products (mostly cleaning stuff as it is bad for the baby) and I just want to learn as much as I can about it all so that I can make a difference. I feel empowered and excited for the first time in a long time

blah, blah blah

I promised myself that I would do better with posting but finding it hard to come up with something that people would want to read or just something at all to write.

I'm sure none of you want to hear about me breast pumping my boobs and feeling like a jersey cow - MOO!

or how I have been peed on (FYI - cheap diapers SUCK and LEAK like a mofo) & puked on

or how I will just randomly babble in baby talk to myself even when miss lily is no where in sight

can you say mommy brain

ugh

and i'm also doing things that I swore up and down BEFORE I had a child that I would never do when I became a parent.

case in point: sleeping in the same bed

I watched/heard other people battle with their screaming child (toddler), in fact I think they probably still sleep with them but anyways, I swore I would never do this, that they had their own bed and blah blah blah. well, never say never because it is the simplest, most convenient thing to do and sometimes when you are breastfeeding and severely tired you just can't help dozing off for a few minutes and then next thing you know it's an hour later, your boob is still hanging out and the baby is zonked out cold and your like OMG WHERE THE HELL AM I!? and you wipe off the drool, scoop up the baby put her in her crib and fall back into a dead sleep and faguely remember doing all that the next day. and then other times it is the only, ONLY way they will go to sleep. and then there are other times that its just nice to have a cozy nap together in the afternoon. I am so going to have a screaming toddler aren't I? or am I over thinking all of this??

i'm sure I had more things listed in my head at one time but sadly they have left my one track brain (probably to never return) so I guess I am moving on to other topics.

I am missing Boston Rob BIG time from Survivor, in fact I even shed a tear when he was kicked off. boo. and it's just not the same any more.

YAY! for Glee finally being back on

and yes it is pathetic that my life revolves around t.v. in fact I think that is the only thing keeping me a little sane....

and alas i'm out of words. over and out

picture time

hope everyone had a happy and safe Easter holiday! will try to get a written post done up in the next day or two

march in review

wow it's the 31st of March already! I could almost do a happy dance as winter is almost (surely) behind us.

yet another month has gone by in a blur

what can I say about March of 2010 other than holy wow the weather was fantabulous! for almost 2 weeks I was out everyday with baby girl walking or snowshoeing. very warm/mild and more importantly sunny! I felt great these weeks like I was almost back to normal and then well the weather shifted and I feel like shit, ok, it's not that bad but it's totally the weather blues.

many visits this month with friends and family (so lots of road trips or running the roads as the hubs likes to call it)

a surprise visit from my favorite auntie on the 19th for a week was another bonus

changes in Lily this month:

- lots of laughs and giggles

- plenty of smiles

- talking (well in baby talk) lots of a-goos & razzing noises

- reaching and grasping at things (loves to pull mommy's hair)

- holding her head up better & stronger every day

her personality is starting to come out which is so fun. overall I couldn't ask for a better baby, she sleeps good, she eats good and hardly ever cries or fusses (for now). I am trying to just enjoy every minute and not fret and worry about my future work plans. I wish I could just hit pause sometimes and just stay in this moment as she totally worships me and her daddy right now, when she sees either one of us she just lights right up (makes my heart melt a little)

i promise to post pics soon

so long March!!!

another one bites the dust

quickie post coming up but at least it is a post...


so I didn't get into the 2nd course that I applied for either, which left me very upset. actually no, I was major upset and flew into a tail spin (aka hissy fit), I cried, I yelled and then I cried some more. I thought I didn't have my hopes up but I guess I sort of did...so now I don't really know what my future holds work wise and frankly i'm done worrying about it at least until summer is over.


that is one thing I am very, very grateful for is that we have a one year mat leave option (even though the pay is paltry to say the least at least it is there)

sigh

i'm sort of feeling dim and low actually, perhaps it is the weather as it went from very warm/mild/sunny to bleak, cold and windy within a week

or perhaps i'm a tad bit depressed

there I said it

I shouldn't be at all but that blackness is there

la de da happy thoughts happy thoughts cannot let it in again

I need a girls day out

or hair therapy

or a $5000 shopping spree...wouldn't that be fun!

and i'm over and out for now, must sleep

another weekly update

umm nothing really new with me actually but I am setting a goal this year to at least try to post weekly and well it's been a week since my last rant. so here I am again. sadly though it seems like the few blogs that I have been reading haven't been updated, so where is everyone at? on vacay? or just not blogging?

boo on there not being a survivor episode this week, I look forward to my weekly dose of Boston Rob so shame on you CBS

and OMG lost, where to start? I feel like the last few shows have been a tad disappointing, they hype it up so much and then nothing! so next weeks show had better be good

I finally got a new camera so you will probably be bombarded with pictures of my precious one, so don't say I didn't warn you. or I may just not as i'm lazy when I do have a free minute

ah what else...

the weather has remained so far fantabulous for March, in fact it feels more like April and I have to constantly remind myself that indeed it is still March. craziness but I love it!

and I've been walking almost every day and feel a lot better a)knowing that I am at least making an effort to get in shape and b)getting outside in the fresh air

it's amazing how good you feel after

oh and surprize!

my auntie Sharol is home again! woot woot love the last minute, unplanned surprize trips, so she's home for 8 days

and that's a weekly wrap for ya!

over and out

still crabby abby

i'm still a bit crabby and irritable as ole hell but i'm trying but man oh man it's hard

went shopping today and wanted to cry/scream as the clothes just didn't look pretty, and therefore didn't make me feel pretty. it's weird as I feel almost back to normal size wise, other than the deflated tire that is my abdomen (aka baby harvester) and I really only need to lose about 15 pounds to be back to where I was pre-pregnancy and you honestly wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference but holy hell I guess it does!

ugh

and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself it has only been about 3 1/2 months and I can't just snap my fingers and be back to normal but man I wish

I just wish sometimes you know...

sigh

didn't watch the oscars, don't really care about them honestly so no fashion run down this year

don't give a rats ass either about Idol this year, it really, really needs to be the last year for this show. just not the same anymore and sadly I must admit that I do indeed miss paula a little. and while I normally love Ellen, she's coming across wrong or something I can't quite pinpoint it...nerves perhaps? dunno, don't care, not watching

two shows that I cannot miss are LOST and Survivor

highlights of my life

well other than miss lily

who is just utterly amazing and probably the only person I can't be a craby abby to, no matter how tired I am

over and out ~ shut eye time

mid life crisis?

so i've been in sort of a funk, or more like anxiety ridden, depressed, out of sorts and I can't really figure out why

ok, no that isn't true I can pinpoint what it is

I had a baby

and while I love her more than my life it's totally spun me in new directions. I mean I knew it would change my life but yet I don't think I really grasped it until it happened.

everything and I mean everything is different

I'm late for everything now, I never in my life was ever late for anything. no matter how organized I try to be (mind you it is getting better/easier with practice) i'm at least 10-15 minutes late

I can't just pick up and leave anymore I have to have a game plan

when I hear bad news about other small children either being sick, injured, hurt or killed I cry (example the children in Haiti) and am heartbroken and sick to my stomach at the thought of anything happening to her

I am not number one anymore, hunger, the need to pee, shower, whatever can wait until she is happy and or asleep

i'm just having a time of it all and can't quite comprehend that i'm a mother

add in on top of that i'm going to be the big 3 0 this year and you can say mid life crisis - hello!

oh

and I also didn't get into 1 of the programs for school in the fall (still waiting on the other but i'm thinking it doesn't look good either).

so i'm bummed out

and I have no clue what my plan is for the fall

as of right now I don't want to work at all, I would be happy/content to just stay home with her but financially we can't do that

i'm freaking out here