Monday, January 10, 2005

Damn Junk Mail

This about sums up my opion of all the GD junk mail that I tend to receive on a daily basis. I hate these e-mails stating to Pls forward or send to 7 people or you will have an eternity of bad luck....well i'll take the risk thanks! Please stop the madness people do not send these damn things on and in light of this situation please read on (enjoy)

Good Bye to 2004!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your chain letters over the past year. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid
number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will
turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me and St Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
(Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

Thanks to you I have demonstrated that I am a no good un-caring person
because I didn't forward an e-mail message within 5 seconds to 100 people.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital(for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

Also, have no fear for my well being because I have friends in Liberia,
South Africa and Palistine who are the personal secretaries of some deceased
high official who is in charge of smuggling 150,000,000 out of their country
and will share 60% of it with me because I gave them my bank account number.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I
will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I hope I am one of those people who receive it back. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin twice removed.

Have a Happy New Year!!!! And for the love of GOD please stop sending me these stupid e-mails :)

2 comments:

Kleokatra said...

I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you. I am going to post this on my site if that is ok with you, I aggree with it all- Thank you!! hehehe

flea said...

Kleokatra, I don't mind you using this on your site one bit - anything to spread the word out there to EVERYONE. These e-mails are pointless, stupid and just plain irritating. I'm glad you had a good laugh as I did too and I had to post it here.