Friday, December 03, 2004

just call me Mrs. Worry Wort

yup, that should be my new name. I constantly fret and worry just about everything but my main worry (which causes the most anxiety for me) is about money. Who doesn't think about money, but I seem to take it to a whole new level. For instance this is the week that our lovely mortgage comes out (which happens every two weeks oppisite my pay week, all the better eh) and it also happens to fall on/around the first of the month. I don't know why but it seems like everything comes out at the first of each month and no matter what you do you never have the funds there to pay everything, which I totally hate. Not having control nor having no money. thank god for overdraft is all I can say. I never like being there mind you but it's nice to know that it's there for you when you need it.

Whenever this happens my mind shifts into over drive. I do all of my banking on line which I love, so easy & fast and it's fab. but when I'm there I get to see how much we have on credit....not so great. Then I get this heavy feeling in my chest and I feel like the world is going to cave in on me if I don't pay all this crap off like NOW. A few deep breaths later and i'm not doing so well. Did we really put all that on our line of credit and what the hell were we thinking!! Oh MY GOD this is horrible what the hell are we gonna do, calm down Heather it will be OK just try to put aside $50 to $100 every pay and it will all be good. But then you realize that this or that needs to come out and the money is never there, so you just keep paying interest out your ass. Nice huh.

Yeah I know I do this every month, no wonder I have to take something for my anxiety.

I saw something on-line (msn I think) awhile ago that there are like thousands of Canadians that suffer from anxiety. Everyone is always embaressed (I used to be, but I know I'm not alone THANK GOD)and i'm not sure why, there are more of us out there than most people realize. Mine isn't so much the depression side of it, I suffer from panic/anxiety attacks. It is a horrible awful feeling that I wouldn't turn on anyone. Most time it's weird things that trigger me off. Sometimes it may be someone's perfume or colgne, or I feel something that I thought I had control over going out of my hands and not going that great for me. Most of the time it's control related though, I am a total control freak. If i'm not in control I'm a can be a total mess. Again it's not all the time, it just hits once and a while. Like BOOM here I am again thought you got rid of me but I guess not huh! Time for another ride on the Panic express.

It helps to talk about it though, here & with my friends. To know that you aren't the only one who has it. My anxiey is pretty moderate compared to some of my friends. I have this one friend who smoked who thought she was dying of cancer, she used to get so bad that she couldn't breathe and she thought she was dying of a heart attack because her heart was racing so fast. Her parents would constantly run her to the hospital, only to find out that it was a panic attack. There's not a whole lot that you can do either besides get on some form of medication (i'm on effexor, and yes that's probably not spelled right) and try to do mind over matter which is easier said than done.

well enough about that. Update on Canterbury life. Not a whole lot, I am off on a vacation break (from one job anyways - my full time position I still have to do shifts this weekend for my part time retail position how fun - not) so i'm on my parents old crappy slower than death computer. Dad just left to go 4 wheeling with my hubbie and some friends so I'm all alone today (for now) I will be going to my aunt Lois's this afternoon to visit & help her back some stuff for the church. Did you guys know that they raised like $1,900 in gram's name. Pretty amazing she would be very pleased with that I'm sure. Other than that nothing is new or exciting, which is not surprizing for Canterbury. Take care all and I'll talk to you soon.


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